MM NC for 3 weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
MM NC for 3 weeks
24
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 1:18pm
Hey all:



I have been lurking for a while and decided to vent.

My MM did not call me for over 3 weeks..I was falling apart thinking that he was ending it between us with just by not calling anymore. I got a even better job that is national (pay is more than I have ever made..pays more than MM's job) and wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted to share that news with him first yet I cant always contact him so I had to share it with H (Yuk). I have been in a daze wondering how could he not want to hear my voice (as he always says). I wondered how could he "love" me so much yet not even take the time to call to see how I am. I felt soo low and uncared about. I felt like I was dying inside and I felt like such a fool to be here trying so hard to make things work so that I can get a divorce and move back to town he is in for us to be together. He claimed that he wanted that too and would leave his w as well.



Last week, I did call him at work just to see if he was alive. I called when I knew he ws not at office and he was out in field and I DID NOT leave a message. I wanted to see just when he would call me. I had to sit on my hands not to call him and track him down as I could have done.



What hurt the most was that the last time we spoke on his Birthday ..I told him that I was going thru a hard time with H and the fact that we were so many miles apart..I poured my heart out to him in a letter which he had in his hand as we spoke. He said such sweet things and I really thought we were on the same page....apparently not if he waited 3 weeks to call me.



Today, MM left me a VM saying he was sorry its been so long and he had been having hard time at work and home, and that he loved me and misses me and really hopes that I will call him back at 3pm....Well I did not call him. I figure if he is THAT busy he is too busy to keep our relationship going as well..I mean I was happy with a call or two a week but we have never gone 3 weeks without him calling. I am just rambling but I dont know what to do with him...I am so confused. I still love him of course yet I need for him "want" to call more. Over these past few weeks I have gained some strength in not calling him or taking his calls and he will have to just "wonder" for a while. Cheetah

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 9:41pm
I guess I don't have much to complain about. I have read some postings just like yours where there are 2, 3 or more weeks of NC. I get out of sorts because my MM has gone 5 days with NC. I do understand what you mean about the disappointment of not being able to get a hold of them when there is good/bad news. A few weeks ago, I had some devestating news and was not able to get a hold of him. The next day he called but he had a pretty serious "episode" with the W and we spent the majority of the day talking about it. Finally, two days later he asked me what was wrong because I seemed a little different and told him what had happened to me. He felt bad, etc. Then it was 5 days until I heard from him again. Needless to say I was more than p.o.'d.

I do know that it is hard not to be passive/agressive (not answering his calls so that he will know how it feels) but try not to get caught up one ups-manship. Face it for those of us who have been married or in serious relationships for a while know the outcome of that game.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 11:38am


Saaty:

Thanx so much for ur thoughts. I know what u mean about the games "oneupmanship" and all but what else can i do?? Cheetah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 12:33pm
Cheetah, I have been watching this post because I sometimes have the same problem. I was curious to see what others had to say about it.

I have never went three weeks with out contact with him, but sometimes he doesn't call me as much as I would like.

Everyone always says you have to communicate...but how do you say "call me more" without sounding clingy and whiny???

I am not a clingy person (at least I don't think I am). And I see this EMA as it is, but still it is hard sometimes to just let things happen as they may when you feel you need a little more. It is hard to be comfortable knowing they are in your thoughts 24/7 and wondering how or why they don't have that same need for more contact.

Usually during these periods I just end up calling him....ugh. I try not to play the game of "I called you last, it is your turn" but at the same time, it is nice to know he is thinking of me and WANTS to call me.

I think I am rambling, but just want you to know, I understand what you mean.

Nitro
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 2:45pm
It is really a lot more simple than ya'all make it out to be: if your MM is not calling you as much as you want, you CAN tell him that you would like to talk to him more without sounding clingy and needy. All you have to do is tell him ONCE: I feel bad when we go for X days without talking - I like to be in contact more often so that I can feel more connected to you. Then you LISTEN to what he has to say. Then, you OBSERVE his behavior. If he does not make you happy, then you do not continue in the relationship.

These MM's are not the LAST men on earth, ladies!! If they cannot or will not give you what you want, you CAN dump them and find other men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 7:53pm
Wow, that is the million dollar question. With my MM, it seemed that he would find any possilb moment to call me even on the weekends when it is more difficult for him to get away. But the fact that he made the effort to call me, even for two minutes, meant so much. When he went five days without calling, I told him that I was very upset, hurt and angry. He apologized, told me that there was not a justifiable excuse and that he was a jerk. I agreed with him. If he can't be there for you emotionally when you need him, maybe it is time for the two of you to address what your expectations are.

If you didn't answer the phone because you really did not feel like talking to him - perhaps you were still too angry and needed to sort out your feelings, then that is one thing, but if you did it to teach him a lesson - that is when it becomes a game. Believe me, I have thought about doing that a time or two but it is counter-productive to a positive relationship and is destructive to the communication between you two. Be honest with him about how you feel and how you have felt for the past three weeks. Don't worry about sounding like you are whining, just let him know you need to know where you stand so that you can temper your feelings about the relationship accordingly.

Hope this helps.

saatty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Sun, 09-14-2003 - 8:10pm
Yoga! I was thinking the same exact thing. And you are right, just tell him. He has to take some sort of responsibility in this EMA too if he expects it to continue.

Absolutely. And I tried dumping his arse once, I can do it again...and will in time, no doubt there.

:-)

Nitro
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 11:43am
I SO needed this thread right now. I'm going through the same thing. When this first started, MM called several times a day. Every morning, first thing when we got to work he'd call me. Then at some point he decided I should call him (even though I'm the only one of the two of us who is consistently at my desk at that time). So I started doing that and for a while it worked. But for the past couple of weeks he simply hasn't been at his desk. At all. I call every half hour or so all the way up 'til lunch and still he doesn't answer. I start feeling really pathetic after a while. But his job requires him to be up and about the office while my job requires me to be at my desk most of the day. Because we're in different areas, I never even know if he's here until I finally get in touch with him. One Monday I was so sad that it was 2:00 and still no sign of him, and then he popped up in my office. He said he had planned to take the whole day off, but ended up coming in just to see me. I've jokingly told him I'm tired of calling all the time, but he just says what difference does it make who calls as long as we talk. I just miss those days when he couldn't seem to get enough of me...when he'd call every half hour or so just to say hi. Then the rumors started and he seemed almost to avoid me altogether. How do I get back to that??? Is it just inevitable that the passion is going to die over time? If so, I'm not so sure I want this EMA. I'd rather go back to my simple life of just putting in my 8 hours and going home and living for the weekends... I still can't wonder if the rumors have something to do with it. That's around the time he stopped calling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 12:01pm
Hey, when you figure this out let me know too. My A is going through the same thing. We talked all day long off and on. For the last 2 weeks or so it has only been the morning call, then he will stop by the office and I usually don't hear from him again until almost time for me to leave or I am on my way home. I am just like you in trying to figure out how you can go from not being able to talk to me enough to not talking hardly at all. Would love to hear your opinions on this ladies or guys if we have any around. I am about to go crazy over this. It is just so unlike him. Is he trying to tell me something? If so, why not just come out and say it. We have always been honest and up front with each other about everything.

Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 12:36pm
In my A, we used to talk (online) all day long pretty well. That went on for months and months. Then gradually he pared it down to for an hour in the morning and another hour near the end of the day, then it got down to maybe once a day, sometimes missing days. We were still meeting almost every week though. Then it really got down to talking almost 2-3 times a week this summer, then NC started. I think he was winding me down. Do you think that might be happening to you too?
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 1:25pm
Dusty,

That is what my head is telling me, but I always thought, and he always said, when that time came, he would be honest with me and tell me. I have been in this A for almost 5 years now!! I know that is a long time for an A, but if he doesn't feel the same way about me why doesn't he just go on and tell me? Did your OM ever just "tell" you that is what he wanted to do?

Angel

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