MM NC for 3 weeks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
MM NC for 3 weeks
24
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 1:18pm
Hey all:



I have been lurking for a while and decided to vent.

My MM did not call me for over 3 weeks..I was falling apart thinking that he was ending it between us with just by not calling anymore. I got a even better job that is national (pay is more than I have ever made..pays more than MM's job) and wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted to share that news with him first yet I cant always contact him so I had to share it with H (Yuk). I have been in a daze wondering how could he not want to hear my voice (as he always says). I wondered how could he "love" me so much yet not even take the time to call to see how I am. I felt soo low and uncared about. I felt like I was dying inside and I felt like such a fool to be here trying so hard to make things work so that I can get a divorce and move back to town he is in for us to be together. He claimed that he wanted that too and would leave his w as well.



Last week, I did call him at work just to see if he was alive. I called when I knew he ws not at office and he was out in field and I DID NOT leave a message. I wanted to see just when he would call me. I had to sit on my hands not to call him and track him down as I could have done.



What hurt the most was that the last time we spoke on his Birthday ..I told him that I was going thru a hard time with H and the fact that we were so many miles apart..I poured my heart out to him in a letter which he had in his hand as we spoke. He said such sweet things and I really thought we were on the same page....apparently not if he waited 3 weeks to call me.



Today, MM left me a VM saying he was sorry its been so long and he had been having hard time at work and home, and that he loved me and misses me and really hopes that I will call him back at 3pm....Well I did not call him. I figure if he is THAT busy he is too busy to keep our relationship going as well..I mean I was happy with a call or two a week but we have never gone 3 weeks without him calling. I am just rambling but I dont know what to do with him...I am so confused. I still love him of course yet I need for him "want" to call more. Over these past few weeks I have gained some strength in not calling him or taking his calls and he will have to just "wonder" for a while. Cheetah

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 2:34pm
I asked MM about it when I saw him this morning. He said he's been really busy and I said it's funny that this busy time happened in the past month or so and before that, he wasn't that busy. I asked if he even goes by his office in the morning, and he said not really. I don't know...he seemed same as always. I've been trying to pull back lately, but I'm not getting that from him, aside from the morning call being missing. Red angel, I don't know if it's so much that we're being wound down as that we're being taken for granted. Kinda like marriage, where it starts out so new and exciting... I know in my case, MM told me a while ago that for the first couple of months this was going on, he let his work suffer and he felt like people were catching on (especially once the rumors started up). He said a few weeks ago he was going to have to put more effort into his job for a while, and that's what he's been doing. Maybe that's what's happening with you. Still, it couldn't hurt to mention it to him, tell him you'd like to talk more. I don't know if that would work... You know how men are. I think they just don't feel quite the same urgency as women do in these things. I don't know the answers...I know I had the same problems when I was single, dating single men. They just always seemed to have so much to do besides seeing me and I'd end up revolving my life around them. Mistake, but it happened. Now, because I'm stuck at work and my job is at a desk, it's hard because I can't NOT sit by the phone. I try getting up and socializing, but if I do that too much my work won't get done. So it LOOKS like I'm sitting by the phone when I'm actually just working!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 2:36pm
Hi Angel. My MM always said he wanted this to go on for a long time. Our affair lasted 2 years. After 1 year, he said he thought he should concentrate on his marriage and we could still be friends. But he only lasted about a week and he was back to seeing me. So it was totally unexpected for me, when he stopped talking/emailing me altogether. Because the last message I got from him was that he wanted to get together the next week. Then I never heard from him again. It hurts, that he couldn't say goodbye. Because after that first time, I told him, if you want to end it just let me know and I will accept that. So I don't know why he didn't even say goodbye this time. Maybe your guy is just really busy. But he should tell you if that's the reason. I just think you know in your heart when things are winding down a bit. I think I knew.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 4:17pm
I thought I knew, but then he said his feelings didn't change, the guilt had just gotten to him and he was trying to work on his M. When you're balancing out two separate lives, it's not easy. Things could be going better at home, where he's not quite as focused on the EMA. Each situation is different, so it's hard to say. But I do agree that over the long haul, you know in your heart when things aren't going so well. It's just hard to know for sure what most men are thinking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 09-15-2003 - 7:27pm


Hey All:

I so appreciate the responses from my post. Thnax so much..this is such a hard time for me now and this helped me sooo much. ((HUGS)) to all.

Nitro: I do feel that I would come across as being "needy and Clingy" if I told him that I want to hear from him more.

Yoga: of course you are right they are not the last men on earth. But for me I thought he was "it" for me and you know love clouds one's judgement..well mine anyway.

Saaty: Yes, I did not accept his call b/c of anger and I wanted to sort out my feelings an thoughts before I speak with him. I have yelled and cussed him out in past about things and I felt really bad and embrassed for him seing that side of me and I feel that being out of control emotionally will only make things worse. Also, I don't understand "why" I should "tell" him to contact me more..shouldnt this just be automatic?? His "actions" are speaking louder than any "words" that he can say.

In general...I do not feel that "Being busy" is an excuse either...if he is that "busy" he is too busy for our relationship and I will tell him that when I feel ready to talk to him. I am considering just not ever talking to him again and just "not say goodbye"..I dont feel I need closure this is not a "normal" relationship anyways. My heartaches so much and I will have to cut my losses and lick my "own" wounds.

Lilah: Me and my MM used to work together and rumors started and he spent so much time in my office etc that his work did start to suffer as well. He did that "turnaround" on me by less contact at work etc. I felt hurt as you do...I took it personally yet I saw that once I left where he is now working his attention got back focused on me.

And you are soo right..how can u tell what a man is thinking. I feel that my MM will say whatever he thinks I want to hear to not be mad at him. I heard a saying that

"Women fake orgasms..Men fake entire relationships" I fear this so much.

Dusty: I am so sorry what ur MM did to you. The wind down and then no contact. I really wondered if this is what my MM ws doing to me before he called. I still wonder now though b/c he has downplayed us being together as we had planned saying "Things on his end are not going as he planned and we have to wait a bit longer before we can be together..and then the 3 wks and NC what else could i think.

~Cheetah~




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 9:05am
Goodmorning Lilah. My MM also said he was trying to work on his marriage. And that he didn't try hard enough with the W because of the times he spent with me. But then he would say he was happy with how we were going along. So that confuses me, although maybe he was feeling some guilt? He said not, but that may have changed. I didn't feel guilty, I was filling a void (sex) from my marriage, so was he. But when you don't hear from them for a few days, then they said they were "busy at work", well excuse me, but you always had the time before to just send a little note saying "hi" at least. I don't think I would do this again. It hurts too much when it appears to be over.

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 10:57am
Maybe you should try a compromise...not cut off contact with him completely, but just back away from the relationship for a while. Try to wind yourself down and see if you can live without him. It could be when he senses you backing off, he'll come forward...although don't do it for that reason. Do it for you, to get your head together and give yourself time to get over him gradually. Quitting cold turkey may be best, who knows? I've never tried to "quit" an EMA before! But I know for me personally, when MM started backing away from me I started distancing myself emotionally and it really helped. As for these men not being the only fish in the sea, I'm sure many of us can't imagine going out and looking for another MM/OM. Where would one even find such a man? I didn't look for this EMA and while sometimes it feels like it would help the pain to just go out and find someone else, I know in the end that's only going to compound the problem. I want this MM or no one at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 11:10am
You bring up an interesting point. I'm sure others on here will agree that men in these circumstances often contradict themselves. We probably contradict ourselves too -- I know I can't possibly be the only one who's so mixed up in the head, I don't make sense when I talk about this! One second I'm ready to toss my entire life out the window and run off with MM; the next I'm ready to just jump his bones and get it overwith, then go on with my life; the next I'm ready to stop speaking to him altogether just to get my sanity back. We all go back and forth between feelings of guilt and absolute love and the various stages in-between, as do the men. Compounding it is the fact that men aren't exactly great at expressing their feelings anyway! I wouldn't take anything any MM/OM says seriously because chances are, if you ask later, they'll probably not even realize what they said. It's just a very complex, difficult situation we're all in and if your MM/OM is feeling a certain way one day, chances are if you wait a few more days, he'll be feeling something else entirely. Plus, consider the ever-changing nature of any marriage -- my MM was acting horrid toward me one day and when I finally dug the truth out of him, turned out his W had surprised him with candlelight and sexy lingerie the previous evening. Who knows what possessed her to do that, but at that moment he was about 75% or more in his marriage, so how could I expect his full attention? Point is, you never know what's going on in their lives that make them act that way, but the only way to find out is to ask. Maybe they'll even tell you the truth...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 11:45am
I've been watching this post for a while and I have to admit it makes me feel a bit better knowing I am not alone in feeling confused when I don't hear from him (and that it seems like most of these MM seem to have no problem with NC from time to time). Quite often I don't hear from him for a few days and I hate it - and like the posts before this, I too wonder if something is wrong when I don't hear from him. I try not to worry as much as I used to - I've pretty much come to accept that this A can end at any moment and I have to be prepared for it. I also think HE will be the one to end it - I don't see myself ending it anytime soon. And the problem is I can't ask him. I know in reality I can, but the truth is that he most likely wouldn't have an answer for me anyway. There are no answers in these relationships and no 'label' we can put on them. It's fruitless to try to put a label on it, as in "this is what we are" "or this is what will be." I think many of us just need to accept there are no definite answers and we have no control over what will happen. Maybe in realizing this, some of us can find a little more peace while being involved in it all.

Oh well, hope I made some sense or may have helped the discussion along a bit.

C

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:22pm
I agree with what you said about them (and us) contradicting themselves. Because my MM has shown a little guilt in what he says sometimes, like we make plans and then he tells me he can't get together that day, its the W's birthday. Well, he knew that before he arranged to meet me that day. So what's up with that? Still, I think about our relationship and that I will never get that same treatment at home. And he knows he won't either. I wonder if he misses it as much as I do. Guess I'll never know (sigh).
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 12:45pm
dusty, i had to respond to your post about the plans on his W's birthday.

a few months ago, i saw my MM one morning for a few hours and then went onto work. while i was traveling to my office, he called my cell and told me that day was his anniversary and they both forgot! jeez, what does that say about their M?

i'm having tons of issues at home. and being with MM is all that's keeping me sane at the moment. just talking with him puts some of those issues into a better perspective -- he sees them from his man view and that is sooo helpful sometimes.

anyway, take care!

gurl