MM not handling change well

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2013
MM not handling change well
5
Wed, 06-12-2013 - 11:28pm

How do I help my MM except and feel comfortable with up coming changes in my life ? We are in year 3 of our affair 5 of being best friends,  he has always been my rock & I his we were friends through my divorce from a abusive husband I honestly don't know where i'd be if he hadn't held my hand through everything the last 5 years. I have been his rock when he needs one also. When

 we moved from friends to having an affair we both agreed nothing could ever come between our friendship meaning ifone of us decided that we didn't want to be in the relationship we would remain friends. If his marriage ended it would be her choice , but highly unlikely where they both wanted the kids. Where he would go if she kicked him out. 

 So years in to this my life is changing my last child is moving across the country for college soon, so I have been easing him in my plan knowing he doesn't do well with change even if it's my life and wouldn't change anything between us. If it effects me it makes him worry about me. So I have slowly bringing up my plans to buy a smaller home that would easier for me both financially & to maintain with it only being me. Well he's not handling it very well all of a sudden I am finding out he asked for a transfer that would cause him 2 hours added to his commute but a lot closer to me, figured out what his child support would be. But that isn't what has me questioing things when giving up my simple way of life (selling my home) he panicked asking how long I could do it on my own, what I would need to keep it. More then a married man could afford.  When I brought up getting a second job for both keeping me from the empty nester blues & help me financially he went on and on about it would be to much on me to do. Saying something has to change his wife called which ended the conversation. 

 I don't know if he is worried about losing me with the changes or if he is upset I am not including him in the picture of my future more then heis now. Any ideas?  I don't even know how to bring it up to him to ask him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2013
Sat, 06-15-2013 - 8:51pm

We have have had the remarriage talk , in regards to friends and both agreed that is not something we want to do again. Not saying that will never change. 

I know thatif I could hold on to my home & way of for another 5 years would be the most financially sound thing to do, he knows that too. 

 The places I am looking into have a spare room that my youngest will stay in. His children are much younger then mine and would require 2 bedrooms just for them. I did give him my budget and where I wanted to be incase something came up that he hears of anything  to let me know. 

I do think he may beworried about out with the old & in with the new. It didn't really cross my mind that he maybe worried. Some part of me feels like he should know better but then again if we haven't talked about it how would he really know.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 06-15-2013 - 6:51pm

How about starting by telling him you recall him asking what you would need to keep your current home, and you've been wondering what he was getting at with those questions? From there steer the conversation to where he sees himself in your changes.

It does sound like a significant change of lifestyle for you, from a large home on open land to someplace small and requiring bars on the windows. You mentioned about his kids not being able to visit IF you and he ever officially get together, but what about when your kids want to visit? (where is your last kid going to stay on college breaks?) Maybe there's something in between, not so small, not so urban?

With such a drastic change planned, maybe he feels like you're getting rid of everything from your "old life" and is afraid he will be a casualty of that too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 06-15-2013 - 12:52pm

Well of course if he does ever decide to get divorced and then marry you, first it will take a lot of time for this all to happen and then it's not like you then couldn't decide to get a bigger place together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2013
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 10:43pm

 I know you're right I do need to come out & ask him.  My doing what is right for me right now is a tricky thing because it takes a lot of oppositions off the table and will be a very large change in the way of life style.  Going from a place no one locks there doors , you live off the land as much as you can to alarm systems & bars on the windows. But a larger part is going from a 5 bedroom house to a one bedroom house so that is closing a door on a large if the day ever comes I'd have enough room for his children to visit.

 l know heis worried about the emotional toll this will take on me, but I have started to wonder if it's more of me closing a chapter he already had planned for the future. But it'sbeen 3 years no promises made or progress of leaving his M. 

I guessin the end I worry if I ask that I will feel like I am pushing him to decide now and act now. And that is one thing I don't  want to push someone out of there marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-14-2013 - 11:56am

I don't really understand why your AP would be concerned with what you are doing as far as your house when it has nothing to do with him.  I could understand if you decided to move across the country and he couldn't see you but unless he is supporting you, what is it to him how you spend your own money?  And isn't it better for you to get a smaller less expensive house?  He should be concerned, as a friend, if you were going to get a house that he thought you couldn't afford but what you are doing seems pretty sensible, so where is the problem?  I guess the only way you will know is to ask him.