A MM perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
A MM perspective
12
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 6:19pm

The more I read on this board and EAS, the more I see myself. And I'm not a knight in shining armor. My A has been going 3 plus years. She was my fantasy for more than 2 years before that. She was so out of reach I used to joke and call her my girlfriend to my wife. She is a neighbor who many refer to as Miss Perfect. My M has some real problems - 99% of them my fault. I never thought I could be with my AP. But guess what? We fell madly in love, best friends, hurt when we parted, excstacy when together. (My spelling sucks - sorry)

Now I tell myself - "Be careful what you wish for". The Talking Heads song - Burning down the house - Watch out, you might get what you're after.

Anyhow, my AP knows I love her and she has wanted to divorce her husband and me to divorce my wife. We have 5 kids between us under the age of 13. I love my AP, my wife??? - how can I love her if I do this to her? You F'n can't dude.

But I can't walk out on my wife and children. My AP says she can so my love is not as deep as hers. She respects my choice, but for the past 8 months (we both asked our spouses for a separation 8 months ago). I backed out. Then so did my AP - but only because I did. I can talk to my AP for hours and hours - there is never enough time for us, it always hurts deeply to say good bye, my wife - I time our cell phone calls - she doesn't know - they never go over 3 minutes. But my wife is a wonderful person, go figure but even our sex life is amazing - nearly every day even afer 10 plus years. My A is not about sex. Well, not just about sex. Even when my A ends, and it's rapidly going down the tubes, I believe I have done irrepairable harm to my marriage. Both our spouses are nearly certain we have been together. (But that's a different story.

I told my AP, among other reasons, that if I left my family for her, eventually my guilt would turn on us and it would never work. My AP is a dream come true to me. But my reality will never allow that dream to be my life. So I may love my AP, but we have no future.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 7:11pm

I understand perfectly where your'e coming from... this is a perfect example why starting an affair is never a good thing.


I am SW, dating a MM, and from my perspective - I want him to leave his marriage (not because of me, but because its what he wants), so that we dont' have to feel so guilty to be together and to stop the deception and secrets.


On the other hand, if he does leave his marriage - I think about 1)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 9:58pm

Perhaps sex with his AP is so electric, so intense, precisely because it is illicit, that it becomes addictive. very much like a drug.

Whereas sex with his W is loving, deep, a safe place.

Both kinds of intimacy are very compelling.

I think many people compartmentalize their two relationships - almost as if they have two different lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 10:11pm

Thanks for the reply. Having sex with 2 people at once? It's impossible to justify, but that is exactly what happens when a married person has an affair. My AP also has sex with her H. Our bedroom windows face each other. IT REALLY SUCKS. Hey AP - I see your lights went out at 8:30 last night. We don't say it, but we admit we notice.

Do you need to be in love to have sex?

I'm not between a rock and a hard place as you so kindly say. I'm a selfish "F" - as is she, who shouldn't be doing this. But it's an unhealthy addiction and neither of us seem to be able to finally make a clean break. We say "What would our lives be without each other". A lot less stressful, but without the joy.

But when she asks me to leave my wife, I don't feel nearly as selfish when I say no, because I know she has a family at home who loves her. If she was single and alone it would intolerably crush me to continue hurting her. I suck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 10:18pm
Not saying that my motivations are anything other than wrong, but I couldn't agree more with your "compartmentalized" My AP and I often say we feel we are living 2 completely separate lives. I wouldn't necessarily say it's loving vs illicit tho'. I feel my AP and I really make love - for hours. My wife and I "F" each others brains out, roll over and read. But yes - compartmentalized - you are 100% right. But you know what - it's both a lot of fun. Ugh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Tue, 07-07-2009 - 10:34pm

I don't know... I just find it so wrong and disgusting to have sex with two different people at the same time.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 9:38pm

I'm thinking a lot of BS (betrayed spouses) would be MORE upset to learn of an emotional connection - ie. "falling in love" - than a physical one. Any kind of A is still cheating. And a sure way to make your H or W suspicious is to suddenly stop intimacy w/ your spouse.

IMHO you can be in love with two people at once. And still want to be close to both of them.

I think the problem is that sex w/ an AP is heightened - more intensely experienced - which makes it very addictive. Even when you know you need to end it your body craves that intimacy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Thu, 07-09-2009 - 11:36pm
I agree with the heightened sexual feeling of being intimate, however, I still think it is gross having sex with two people. Being a betrayed spouse or not, I think any human being would be grossed out to find out "Hey I'm having sex with you after you just had sex with her half an hour ago" ewwww

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2009
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 12:40am
Lost- I normally really like your posts, but it seems you are holding this guy (men?) to a different standard. "ewwww"? How often do you say this to the other married women on this board? It isn't supportive and it is the reason I, being a man, will NEVER post my story on here. I do read this board for the great advice and I thank you, Lost, and others for helping me feel not so alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2008
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 8:34pm

I wouldn't assume that he is having sex within the same day with both - I agree I could never do that.

The only way I can stay sane is to separate my two lives/two loves.

My AP thinks of me in order to be aroused enough to have sex w/ his W and I am the opposite. I cannot bear to think of him at all when I am with my H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 07-10-2009 - 11:52pm

hi guy,


sw here, i agree that it is a bit of the pot calling the kettle black,


and in my younger days, i am mid 40's now, the idea of having sex


with more than 1 person did not seem so 'ewww' to me at that time.


nowadays, lol, there is more risk with that and is inherently part


of being involved in an a i suppose, but maybe it is my sw perspective


also, i dunno. i personally would have a problem with it, is why


i can't be involved in an a. past a experiences have led me to where i am


today. i just can't do it. it is not a moral judgement on my part in anyway


just a personal choice that would cross my personal boundries.







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