Is MM Self Sabotage?
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| Wed, 09-30-2009 - 8:33pm |
My EA ended due to MM having W move back and it was an amicable parting. I thought it was done so i did they crying, learning to live without hearing from him etc. I didnt want it over but he needed to give the M one last try and I understood that. Never was PA but i (we) said the L word.
Move on to 5 weeks later, i got messages from him and responded in a friendly reply but I have protected my heart this time knowing that until he gets a D, there is no more intimate talk. just work/home stuff you talk to neighbors about etc. I know he wants to keep me there as he cares and like me, he cant seem to let go.
He knows his wife scours the internet and his computer for evidence of porn, history, emails etc as she has always been jealous. He did a clean install on his hard drive to make sure there was no evidence. His W knows he uses one particular site and allows him the use. He only has a dozen friends and i am the only one she doesnt know if she were to look. Now he has started to post messages to me on the pages. They would be benign to the regular reader, but I know she would hit the roof as he doesnt send messages to anyone else.
My big $1 million question. Is he subconsciously/unconsciously trying to get caught? If he knows she looks, how can he explain messages like "I miss you" and "Are you pi$$ed, because i do care!" He wont leave her but has said if she leaves him then he wouldnt be the bad guy.
What do you guys think? Has your MM/OP ever done anything completely brazen that you thought it would be a miracle that D-day arrived?

AP and I have been together for 3 years. In the beginning
Hi Stb,
I think I agree with scarlet. Why would he do that especially if W keeps tabs on him like that. Some men are strange and confusing sometimes, so who knows. I would watch and see if he continues this pattern. Maybe he isnt happy with how things are going at home and is trying to find
Thanks for the feedback. Trying to work out what he is doing is maddening. He is top level for huge corp so he is not prone to slip ups like this. He is also an unemotional man so when EA ended, i was prepared to have the normal speech of "we'll be friends" and never hear from him again. The NC was broken with him emailling me once just saying hi, and hope i was doing well blah blah. Didnt get too worked up over that, but in the last 2 weeks, his contact has been increasing to phone calls, emails & notes on the site.
I am not discussing feelings just bland everyday short chat in reply (so NC is now out the window) He often uses work email and if intercepted, it is above board. He knows how i feel and he is not a gusher either so the familiarity with each others mannerisms and words I get that he misses me greatly. He does have personal email and uses that rarely but its because its not always open on work computer.
I was told to let him be miserable as he wanted to work out the M. So now W is there, he works longer, sleeps later and is contacting me. I do not respond on his social page- he is usually intensely private, so its is baffling that these friends/ex military people can see his messages to me. Even if he blocks them from his feeds, his W can see them on any link. I dont want to ask him in case it is a mistake on his part (seriously doubt it though- hes no dummy) and it makes me think he might want to get caught. I know the situation between him & W is tenderhooks right now so one part of me wants him to man up and just say he wants out of the M and the other part thinks hes a grown man and he handles it the way he sees fit. Either way, i havent lost as i am no worse than i was before. He still cares and i know it...now so does a few more people.
I have been given the ray of hope by this but am still not going to invest further until a clear decision on D is through. When he lived alone it was one thing to talk to the wee hours, but the sneaking messages now W is there is uncomfortable.
Hi SB,
I'm sorry he is doing this to you. Things get tough in his M and he starts back to contact with you. You know my opinion will be he is a cake eater. Wants his side dish to stay there.
If he gets caught he will do what he has probably always done and lie. He might even tell her that he wanted to test and see if she was checking the computer and that is why he posted. My xAP used that one on his then GF now xGF if she saw a questionable text or IM message. He would say he asked a friend to send it
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi SB,
I have been given the ray of hope by this but am still not going to invest further until a clear decision on D is through. This is definitely the best thing for you to do. I'm in total agreement. You are a smart cookie
Ap is being a little reckless, I dont get that. I'm sure he misses you. Just continue like you've been. I wouldnt ask him why he's doing what he's doing and I would let him be miserable and continue to respond to his messages the way you've been doing.
I hope things go the way you want. Be strong. Only time will tell how our situations will go. In any case it will all work out. Post when you need to and please keep updating. HUGS
Just an update. Had 2 messages since. One on social site one private. Private one was nothing just hi,how you going, miss you, blah blah. Public one was send me some pics (not rude).
I feel strange. I am already over the dreaming-of-togetherness stage. If it happens then i will be over the moon but i am prepared for reality. I am no longer caught up in the need to hear from him and i am now happy when i get the small notes. I resign myself to no future with him but i do not have a need for anyone right now. I can say i am content with myself single.
I wont move to EAS as i intend to read the notes as they arrive. I dont want to stop communicating with him and over there its definately frowned upon. So it seems you guys have me and my skewed views for a while :)
Hi SB,
I am already over the dreaming-of-togetherness stage. If it happens then i will be over the moon but i am prepared for reality. I am no longer caught up in the need to hear from him and i am now happy when i get the small notes. I resign myself to no future with him but i do not have a need for anyone right now. I can say i am content with myself single. This is the place I'm trying to get to mentally. Even though me and AP are together, I dont want to constantly feel the need to talk to him or see him or feel devastated when I cant. Some days I'm ok and other