Musings in the Morning
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| Sun, 03-21-2010 - 9:30am |
Last night I had sex with my H. We are regularly intimate (I only see AP twice a year so holding out for those times would be tricky). Plus I do still love my husband. Which does make me feel like crap sometimes, I mean I really do have two men in my heart. I thought we women weren't supposed to be able to do that? But I digress...
After IC my H and I are talking, he begins to lament that we haven't been able to have a real vacation or time away together. Money is a factor currently in addition to schedules. I suggested that we take a weekend, get a hotel room here in town and just not leave, spend a day or two enjoying each other. He laughed & said "Nobody does that, really. I mean maybe an hour or two. That's just something in movies." In my head all I could think is yes real people do that. I have done that (but of course can't tell him when or with whom)! And I would love to try it with my H, I really would. I try to communicate about what I want with my H in regards to romance and the bedroom. He hears- he's not callously ignoring, but its like he doesn't believe its possible to be playfully romantic with one another.
Above all- I DON'T want to be laughed at (even as jokey teasing) when I make an attempt to be sexy! Deep down I would love to be my husband's vixen, instead I hear over and over how "cute" (silly) I am.
I absolutely enjoy that my AP treats me like a woman, regards me as a sexy woman. And I feel like a valued treasure when I am with him. We do laugh and joke together, but during IC I feel like a woman, not like a cute housecat.
Hopefully this entry isn't a TMI- but woke up thinking about all this and nowhere but here to talk about it.

Well it isn't an arrangement I set out to create. AP and I were co-workers for a brief time 8 years ago, when I had a 5 month contract at his place of work. The usual story we had a great time together, hung out as friends, flirted. It wasn't until the day before I left the job he confessed he had feelings for me which I admitted I reciprocated. However then I was headed back to my home/husband; hence the LDA. We kept in contact and met up a few months later where we took the next step and made our EA a PA. Since then its been up and down and we have gone thru periods of NC.
Its not a just for sex thing, not that compartmentalized. We really do care for each other. We e-mail, txt, and occasionally call one another. We have never talked about leaving our spouses for one another, altho in the last couple of years AP has alluded to thinking maybe it would be best for him to end his marriage. I know he cares for me a lot; but I don't plan on leaving my hubby.
H and I do still have sex, I'm not sex starved between visits with AP. I can't explain it or why, but AP holds a place in my heart. It hasn't diminished with time or distance. He is special to me and I kno I am to him too; even tho we only get to see each other sporadically.
I did used to really worry when I hadn't heard from him or freak out that he didn't like me anymore. I went thru that whole up and down mess. But today where our R is now I sit comfortable knowing that he cares about me, that hasn't changed for me in 8 years and hasn't changed for him.
thank you for the honest and thorough reply. how far apart do you and the AP live from each other, and now how often do you see each other?
what do you mean you went thru that whole up and down thing. what does that mean? it must be different for everyone. what do you think is regular and practical communication when persuing/creating a situation such as you have?
i'm just trying to put it all together. my AP does not ever address his "feelings" about me -- just to write, or say that he misses touching each other. which is actually a lot for him to communicate. he's one of those emotionally injured types. but i can't help but wonder if he is really the best match for me, or if i should try a different scenario. but it would still have the obvious questions, distance problems, no regular
Well this arrangement didn't happen with discussion or "figuring" it out. It wasn't anything that coordinated.
AP doesn't really live super far away anymore. Only about 1100 miles at the current situation, but b/c I move and travel more it has been several thousand (even across the Atlantic) at times. His life (job, family, kids etc.) keeps him pretty stationary. I love seeing him, but at the same time I've refused to be the only one going to see him. So while perhaps I could have concocted more visits (and at times desperately want to) I choose not too.
At the moment I am happy/content with our R. I feel secure in AP's affection. I know while I may not have all the attention I want, it doesn't mean feelings have changed between us. But that is where I am today. But certainly I have been in less positive emotional space and been paranoid, anxious, nervous, sad, and feeling discarded. Currently I have accepted the relationship I can have with AP. Fortunately I do have a H who is attentive to me (albeit not someone I am passionate about), but I know he feeds my emotional meter too. That is where I currently am emotionally, but next week, month, or even tomorrow I could be on here venting about feeling lonely, anxious, sad, or neglected by AP.
Ultimately for me having him in my life was more important that not having him. He doesn't call as often as I'd like, or e-mail; but I know his feelings are genuine. I know I am more than just the "cookie" on the side. I may say more (in amount)but btwn the two of us he's the one whose been more directly expressing his feelings. For example he says he loves me. I actually have not said ILY (don't think I can mean it 100%).
I don't know if this entirely answers your questions. The circumstances of A's are different. AP and I haven't had full conversations hashing out all the details about our relationship, just times one or the other of us has drawn a line in the sand and said "I need this..." but mostly I've learned to be patient and go with the flow.