MW with OM please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
MW with OM please help
14
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 2:28pm
Hello,

I would like some friend to talk to who are in my situation. I'm married to H for 4 years now. Family is all very proud. H just brought me a brand new 1 1/2 carat $4,000.00 wedding ring. Aaarggghhh!

I've met someone online who lives about 30 minutes from he. He is absolutely AWESOME. We laugh all the time and have SO much in common. He's SOO good looking and has so many qualities I love. My H is very good looking and attentive to me as well, but there's no emotional connection. We have "burned a lot of bridges" and now we are just hangin on. H loves me more than I love him at this point. H is unmotivated and emotional immature. Also very smothering. Most women wouldn't mind, but I'm a free spirit and I'm very unhappy. I'm not selfish, but I know I would tell H how I feel before anything happened between me and OM just because my goal is NOT to have anyone get hurt.

I wouldn't leave my H for OM. I would leave my H because I want to, but OM is definately enough motivation. OM is divorced with two kids and old than I (more mature, not into the games). I know we are taking things slow, but I'm afraid when the day comes that things grow into more than "friendship".

I've tried talking to H before. He's wants to change, but not for the right reasons. he's also drinks too much and I don't like that. I'm a navy wife with NOT ONE single friend around here to hang out with, talk with, just have a girl's night out. Maybe someone needs to tell me to cool out. Maybe someone needs to tell me to go for it. I don't know what I should do.

Somebody, anybody, please help!!!

ps. OM knows I'm in relationship (unhappy) and he's very patient and understanding. That just makes me more attracted to him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-08-2003 - 9:09am
I have now been on both sides of this scene...married, cheating and decided to leave and now Im remarried, cheating and would never leave...one thing I can say that I have learned is that it was very easy to justify my doings in round 1 by bestowing blame on my EXH. Finding myself in another EMA with absolutely no intention of leaving my DH has made me take a very close look at myself and the reality of marriage.

When you are tempted by the another don't use the shortcomings of your H as your justification. Looking back I now realize that my EXH really wasn't the creep I made him out to be in my mind. Of course he had many things that made us incompatible but none of which justified my cheating on him, that was just something I did all on my own. I know this now because I am with a man who I am in love with, a man who adores me and possesses everything I could desire in a husband and again, Im cheating on him.

I think we all need to look at our decision as our own weakness opposed to transferring the blame on our Hs. You need to decide whether you want to be with him or not but anyone who's been married knows that it's never a cake walk. All I am saying is that if you are examining someone looking for faults you're destine to find them, let your EMA be what it is but keep it separate from your marriage best you can. The grass always looks greener on the otherside but in all reality is just a different shade of green...

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 1:47pm
I can agree with all these post and every bit of what each woman had to say. I can relate a lot in a lot of different areas.

H and I are currently undergoing a seperation. I see his faults as they are, because I know I'm far from perfect and he is a good man and a decent father. However, his drinking (yes, it's that bad)....is limiting and certainly helping me want to get out of this even more. I guess I'm still harboring a lot of resentment over that part to want to continue the relationship at this point.

OM on the other hand and I have a great time together. We are only friends at this point. We both discussed advancing to a sexual relationship...when we are ready and that comes naturally.

I'm so confused. I love my H, I am NOT in love with him and there are just so many other factors. I think secretly I may not be good enough for him. Is it weird that I'm desiring for him to meet other women? Not even have a sexual thing...but just to get him out of my hair? Let him see there's more to life than just this? Right now he's obsessed with our R and failing to realize the more he pushes me the more I run to arms of OM.

Comments?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 1:59pm
divine -- why do you feel you aren't "good enough" for your H? is it because you are attracted to another man??

since you are separated, obviously if your H meets other women and does some dating, it would distract him from your marital issues and you would feel more freedom to pursue a R with the OM.

relax a little bit. give yourself some time to adjust to being separated. explore your feelings for the OM and your H. if your M is truly over for you, stay on course with the separation. if you want to work on your M and OM is just a pleasant distraction, reunite with your H and work it out.

do what you must to make your life the way YOU want it.

take care of you,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 08-14-2003 - 2:52pm
Dear Divine: I followed this thread and just needed to jump in here. I saw some things in your posts that seem like a warning sign: your H is a military guy with depression and an anger management problem and he drinks!!!!! YIKES girl, you've got a walking time-bomb there! My H is an ex-military guy with an anger management problem and he's not a drinker but that combo is explosive enough! There's been some scattered abuse in our relationship and for many years I just put up with it, not even really realizing it was abuse. For some reason, it finally dawned on me what was going on and we separated. That's when I met OMM, but that's another long story. Honey, think about whether your H is THE ONE for you before you even think about OM. If you think you want out of the M, great, go for it. But if he has a serious anger management problem and he drinks and he's a macho military type, be very careful. Wishing you the best...

mo 7-18-10

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