MW reunited w/old BF-Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
MW reunited w/old BF-Help!
8
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 3:01pm
Hi I'm new here and new to this whole thing. I never thought I'd be here, as I'm sure most of you here wouldn't have either. I have been married 10 years, w/Dh for 12 this year. We have 2 kids. Things aren't horrible, but they have been going downhill for years. He works all the time (which is respectable) but even when he is home, he's not with me. He's outside working or relaxing. I'm lonely.
I recently found an old bf online and we started texting. He is divorced. Well one thing led to another and I ended up going over to his house to meet him. The flames are alive and well! I know it was not just me that felt them either. There was no IC, just very nice conversation, hugging, snuggling and a ton of smiling.
SG has some reservations about me because his w left him for another m. He does not want to be the OM. I don't know though if he wants to have an R or just fun. Thing is, I'd leave DH (although I'd need financial help) but I don't know where I'd go anyway. OM says he doesn't want to break up my M but he is not the cause of the distress anyway. IDK what to do! SG calls and texts me what he wants to do to me in the bedroom. He's very suggestive and says he'd date me if I was single. The sparks were flying!
I know my first message here is probably confusing, sorry. I am just so confused. On top of everything, SG has not been in as much touch lately (after a weekend of calling and very explicitly telling me what he wants to do to me). Which has me even more confused! Help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 3:07pm

Sorry, I am re-reading this and realized just how confusing my message is.

I guess I'm just not sure how to proceed here. SG is a very quiet person and not the kind I can ask too many questions of. Every time I do ask his reply is "you're married". That is his reason for not seeing me again (so far) or making any sort of plans with me. I understand that, but at the same time get the feeling he wants more. I just don't know how to find out what it is he wants. I also have to keep in mind that even if I am single, I do have 2 kids that I will take with me wherever I go. When I brought that up in text his reply was a simple "Haha". So, I can't tell if that is something he wants or not.

I know I probably just have to hang in there and let it work itself out, but damn is that hard!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 3:44pm

IMO I think what he's saying is that he doesn't want to get involved unless you leave your H, and he probably doesn't want to be the CAUSE of your break-up (that puts a lot of pressure on him if you think about it) so he's distancing himself right now. Or the fact that the two of you got a little bit physical made him feel guilty so he's pulling away. I dunno, I think you have to ask him what he's feeling, and ask yourself what you're feeling also. If you leave your H, it should be for you and not for anything else. Then if an R with SG doesn't work out, you're still in a better place, if you've left for YOU.

Keep us updated on what's going on! Maybe someone else here has better advice. :-)

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 3:46pm

You are in thick of it so just cant see but its clear like hell as to what your SG wants !

Read again what you wrote :

" SG calls and texts me what he wants to do to me in the bedroom. He's very suggestive.
very explicitly telling me what he wants to do to me."

He wants to have sex with you- thats all,hon.

He doesnt have any answers for any of your questions because he is not thinking on those lines !! All he wants is to have sex.Period.He has made it very clear and you heard it as well .

He isnt contacting because he has planted the idea in your head and is now playing hard to get just to make you want him sexually ,break barriers and fulfill his desire.You will end up feeling used so dont do it.Sex with emotions and feelings is at its best ,nothing can compare to that but he doesnt want any more than that!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 4:01pm

Thanks for the replies. Keep them coming.

I hear what you're saying about him just wanting sex and I can't say for sure that isn't his motivation. Thing is, if that's all he wanted he had the chance and didn't take it. There are deeper feelings there. I just don't know if that scares him or what the case is. He's been single for 5 years and I imagine that he's more used to being alone and a r might sorta scare him. He has a lot of guilt for his past d. I also know he has dated but he is still single so I suppose he just hasn't found the right one yet.

As far as me leaving h for myself-i know that's the right thing to do. I just don't know how to do it. I have no problem getting my own place and being a single mom. The thing is, I don't have the means to support myself and 2 kids alone and I have no family or friends that would have room for us. So, I stay. I'm working on paying off some things now so hopefully I can support myself within the next 6 months, but its just not possible for me at this moment.
Thanks for the advice and support. I'm totally freaking out and don't know which way to turn!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2010
Fri, 03-19-2010 - 4:53pm

My advice is DON'T DO IT....an A is a hard road to travel even in the best of circumstances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 9:06pm

I was in a similar situation that lasted 5 weeks. My ex who is MM stepped back into my life and it was innocent at first it was just a call for an update of how I’ve been after 3 years since we broke up. I was surprised that he was M and he was shocked I was a SG. I have been S for a reason and its because I haven’t

x Cardbury x
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2006
Sat, 03-20-2010 - 9:23pm

I don’t know if this is relevant to mention but he said to me that he got M out of convenience.. If he was to get a D he would really cope it financially and I feel that’s not a good reason. If you really are unhappy you need to do it for yourself. Plus I hear its best to be on ur own after a D and you can try to find urself. Find that which makes you happy. Now SG may be there for you genuinely or he couldn’t considering what he himself went through. Its tough..

x Cardbury x
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2010
Mon, 03-22-2010 - 12:06pm

Thank you for your honesty. This is the hardest decision of my entire life and I appreciate you all being honest with me and letting me hear your stories.

It's been quiet this weekend with SG, but the times we did talk were really nice. I'm learning I need to give him space to just be, which I'm ok with. I mean he has a lot more to consider if he decides to take me on that I do him. I am the one who is still M and has 2 kids which come with me.

In any case, I really do feel as though I need to leave my M. We have not done counseling but I'm not sure I want to. I almost feel as if I have already checked out. I just have not figured out how to leave. I know people say that you can do it, there are no excuses, but in real life there are. I have no financial means to go. Even if DH was super nice and willing to help pay for things, we still couldn't afford for me to pay rent somewhere. So, for now I'm working on paying off bills in hopes of going.

As for SG, he wants to take this to another level but respectably so far won't as I am still M. As much as I hate that, I do respect it and in fact think it's a show of what kind of person he really is. Of course in my fantasy world, we will be happy ever after once I leave, but even if we don't end up that way I know that being by myself will be ok. Hard, but ok.

I'll keep updating and again, if anyone has any advice or support, I sure could use it. Thanks!