My AP's wife is in labor right now

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
My AP's wife is in labor right now
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 2:11pm

I've never talked to anyone about my A, but this morning I feel compelled to share... and found my way on to this forum. I suppose I just need to vent because I have a whole range of emotions today. I guess I'll start with the back story.

I've been married 4 years; have 2 kids with my H. 

He's a great guy on all accounts and most of my friends & family consider us an ideal couple.

Truthfully, my 'excuses' are pretty lame. What it boils down to is I just haven't felt connected to him or attracted to him for the past couple of years. I love him as a friend and co-parent, but I have no passion for him. He was my college sweetheart and he's really the only guy I've ever had a relationship with, but we've changed significantly in the past 7 years.

In early 2011 a friend came on to me and that led to a brief fling - we made out and messed around a few times but we never had sex. I ended it when his wife started to get suspicious because I had no interest in leaving my H, especially not for him.

Then early in 2012 I met my AP on a website. We were both upfront about our intentions but genuinely became friends (mostly through texts, as we only see each other 2x a week). But over the past few months we've broken all our rules and fallen in love... and now neither of us can imagine our lives without the other. If I were to build the guy I'd want to build a life with today, now that I'm older, it would be my AP. He feels the same way about me - we have a ton in common and are very attracted to each other. The obvious problem is that we're both married; and both married to good people who don't deserve to be hurt in this way.

He has 1 kid, and obviously based on my thread title, another one arriving in a matter of hours.

I have a million reasons to be content in my marriage, but the fact is, I am not. And I want to be with my AP. (Not today, but, eventually.) He says the same thing but I can't help but feel twinges of doubt simply because his divorce would be very messy given what I know about his wife. I believe he would leave his wife (perhaps in another year or two) but I struggle when thinking about how disruptive it would be to both of our kids' lives. I've met his toddler because we've met up with the kids at parks - and I can't help but have an affinity for his child and now baby simply because they're his kids. I daydream about years down the road having a blended family - but there are a thousand heartaches that would be required to get from here to there.

He hasn't talked a lot about the new baby - I don't even know the baby's name, and feel awkward about asking. It's awful and selfish but I can't help but wonder how it'll change our dynamic. I told him if this experience changes how he feels about me that's okay; he keeps insisting he loves me though and this won't change anything. 

Obviously today is an odd day for me. His wife has no idea and I can't help but feel a bit jealous because I know what an incredible experience having a child is in terms of bonding. I know he feels really conflicted because it adds an additional layer of complexity to the whole situation. Clearly he's excited to be a dad but this isn't an ideal situation given he eventually plans to leave his wife.

Yesterday I had a pity party by myself but thankfully got over it. I know I have no real 'right' to feel this way, but it's really hard because I can't talk about it with anyone... and I have a whole range of conflicted emotions to work through.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 10:58am

It's nice that he texted you in the midst of everything going on.  I, too, like your color analogy & can totally relate.  I had already left my M prior to meeting xAP, and I did it for reasons similar to what you're feeling.  The promise alone of the kind of R I still hope exists became enough at the end to overcome my doubts and fears about leaving.  It wasn't only for me.  I felt he deserved more, too.  

Aside from what may or may not happen with your AP, you have a lot to think about, and this is a great place to sort things out and hear different perspectives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:01am

I just wanted to say welcome, and that like everybody else, I understand how confusing it is.  It's crazy to feel that jealousy but also that sympathy for his W tinged with guilt.  The range of emotions stirred up by an A is so amazingly complex.  I think anytime that other person has those life-changing moments without us, it hurts, even when we totally understand that what we signed up for.  It just doesn't feel natural when you love somebody not to be there, being a part of it.  I hope you get through it OK, and they get through it OK, and you begin to come to terms with whatever will become of your M.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:55pm

Hi pleases32!

Just wanted to say that I "LIKE" your attitude! I wish my AP/BF would figure this one out for himself, as you have. I want it ALL with someone, just being content ~ or great co-parents, blah,'s nice, but not nearly enough. I WANT IT ALL too!

That would make a great tattoo :0)