My AP's wife is in labor right now
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|Sat, 09-22-2012 - 2:11pm|
I've never talked to anyone about my A, but this morning I feel compelled to share... and found my way on to this forum. I suppose I just need to vent because I have a whole range of emotions today. I guess I'll start with the back story.
I've been married 4 years; have 2 kids with my H.
He's a great guy on all accounts and most of my friends & family consider us an ideal couple.
Truthfully, my 'excuses' are pretty lame. What it boils down to is I just haven't felt connected to him or attracted to him for the past couple of years. I love him as a friend and co-parent, but I have no passion for him. He was my college sweetheart and he's really the only guy I've ever had a relationship with, but we've changed significantly in the past 7 years.
In early 2011 a friend came on to me and that led to a brief fling - we made out and messed around a few times but we never had sex. I ended it when his wife started to get suspicious because I had no interest in leaving my H, especially not for him.
Then early in 2012 I met my AP on a website. We were both upfront about our intentions but genuinely became friends (mostly through texts, as we only see each other 2x a week). But over the past few months we've broken all our rules and fallen in love... and now neither of us can imagine our lives without the other. If I were to build the guy I'd want to build a life with today, now that I'm older, it would be my AP. He feels the same way about me - we have a ton in common and are very attracted to each other. The obvious problem is that we're both married; and both married to good people who don't deserve to be hurt in this way.
He has 1 kid, and obviously based on my thread title, another one arriving in a matter of hours.
I have a million reasons to be content in my marriage, but the fact is, I am not. And I want to be with my AP. (Not today, but, eventually.) He says the same thing but I can't help but feel twinges of doubt simply because his divorce would be very messy given what I know about his wife. I believe he would leave his wife (perhaps in another year or two) but I struggle when thinking about how disruptive it would be to both of our kids' lives. I've met his toddler because we've met up with the kids at parks - and I can't help but have an affinity for his child and now baby simply because they're his kids. I daydream about years down the road having a blended family - but there are a thousand heartaches that would be required to get from here to there.
He hasn't talked a lot about the new baby - I don't even know the baby's name, and feel awkward about asking. It's awful and selfish but I can't help but wonder how it'll change our dynamic. I told him if this experience changes how he feels about me that's okay; he keeps insisting he loves me though and this won't change anything.
Obviously today is an odd day for me. His wife has no idea and I can't help but feel a bit jealous because I know what an incredible experience having a child is in terms of bonding. I know he feels really conflicted because it adds an additional layer of complexity to the whole situation. Clearly he's excited to be a dad but this isn't an ideal situation given he eventually plans to leave his wife.
Yesterday I had a pity party by myself but thankfully got over it. I know I have no real 'right' to feel this way, but it's really hard because I can't talk about it with anyone... and I have a whole range of conflicted emotions to work through.