my counselor's view of my MM and the EMA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
my counselor's view of my MM and the EMA
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:42pm
Today is the first time I talked to my counselor about my A. I have mentioned it in the past and we’ve briefly discussed it, but we mostly focus on me, my marriage, my H, etc. Today I asked that we stick to the topic of my affair. It took a little while to bring him up to date and provide good background. Several comments really struck me:

1. He said he understands why I got involved with MM considering what I was lacking at home and vice versa (why MM got involved with me, what he was lacking, etc)

2. He also stopped me at one point and said “this man seems very compatible with you”

3. As my session was ending he asked me where I was going to go from here and I told him “I know the best thing to do, what I SHOULD do, is end it with MM and concentrate on my M”. And he basically said…”I am not so sure that IS the best idea , knowing what I know about you, how you handle situations, and the relationship you have with others – your H in particular. It think it is very likely that you and MM will have a hard time parting considering what you’ve been providing each other”

I was SHOCKED. This is the same man who called my A “tragic” the first time I told him! Do you think that maybe that last comment means that he fears I might suffer some sort of separation anxiety if I broke up with MM and that THAT could possibly hinder the progress I’ve made personally and with H? Also, it floors me that both he AND my MOM said they thought I was more compatible with MM than with H, at least at this point in my life (and my Mom GUESSED I was having an A and then nailed it about who it is with!!)

Well, I’m not going to read too much into this. Whatever will be will be

(p.s. comment re: something babeslvr said earlier: “and for those of you who said (that you expect good) sex. well i dont expect it. i find it an added benefit.” I TOTALLY agree with that, too! Sex with MM is great sometimes, other times not so great. I EXPECT that that is a normal variance, don’t make a big deal out of it, don’t comment on it, and both MM and I have said we need to do a LOT more research before we become “experts” on each other LOL)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 3:51pm
That's very interesting. This is still so new to me and I am on the other end... The OW. But from what MM says about his W and what he says about me, I seem much more compatible with him. Though they go married so young (age 21) and so much has changed. You have a lot to think about. I've never been married but am really doubting the whole concept. I really try to base my decisions on my own happiness and hopefully everything else will fall in place. Good Luck with what you decide and keep us informed. I love hearing what therapist say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:19pm
Hmmm...FWB, do you mind my asking how often you see your counselor? Is it once a week? And, do you know him outside of a professional manner?

I don't consider it shocking that you & MM are more compatible than you & H or even MM & W. And of course, that's because MM & I feel we are more compatible with each other than our spouses. And that's because all four of us have changed from who we were when we married; but also we can accept each other, as is - we don't allow our shortcomings to interfere with each other. You know as well as I do that it doesn't mean we will be wearing white dresses, lol.

And it isn't shocking what your counselor said in regards to you & MM having a hard time parting from the physical - do you believe you will feel no pain when/if the physical ends? Do you think you would miss the physical with MM? I think "seperation anxiety" may be a bit drastic - it doesn't seem MM is your be all and end all? And, unless you are "caught", you will still have the friendship relationship.

By the way, FWB, if I was to choose an icon, I would have chosen the "balancing" or "juggling" one as well (since there is no cat, lol).

Meow =^..^=

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:31pm
Hey fwb,

Sometime ago now my MM was in counselling... he had been in both marriage and single counselling and this one was for himself. At the time, he was involved in another EMA with a SOW... his counsellor told him that she thought at the time that he needed both relationships to get him through the difficult time in his life. His wife to give what she could give to him and then also the affair, to actually help keep him together. She thought that breaking either one off could send him spiraling downwards.

I may have agreed to a sense... but as time passed and she put a lot of pressure on him to move on and away from his wife, which he was not prepared to do, it did a lot of damage to him as well.

I tend to feel the same with MM, that he just gets me through the worst of times... I am very compatable with him in many ways and we agree on so many things... but then I also wonder would we really get on living together. Something I may never have to worry about. While I may seem selfish... at the moment... I'm having my cake and eating it too... best of both worlds I guess, but it gets me through and I'm content.

Sorry... if I've rambled and don't make any sense... brain is slightly fizzled today as you may know.