My crazy life
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| Mon, 12-01-2008 - 10:55pm |
So here is my crazy life.
I was married in 2002 to a great woman but right in the beginning I felt that there was something wrong. I believe both of us were not ready for marriage, maybe she more than I. Two days before our wedding she lost her job and decided to completely change her career. Needless to say the career she changed to she was not making much money, this hurt the marriage immediately. Knowing this I decided to pay all the bills, hers and mine but I didn't realize that she was about $15,000 in debt and I had about $2,000 of my own. The strain this put on the relationship was horrible. We had fight after fight about money and bills but after awhile I started to resent her for not trying to pay her bills but kept putting more money on her credit cards. The relationship kept getting worse and worse and as a result of trying to pay her and my bills I started to rack up big balances on my credit cards. I the middle of the second year of our marriage I started to have an emotional affair with a woman from work. As time went on it became physical, physical to the point that we would have some version of sex anywhere. At work, in a car at a hotel you name it we did it. The guilty and frustration eat away at me for about a year. We both knew that we should stop and tried numerous times but always got back together. Being with my wife became impossible because although we had our problems she is not a bad person, in fact she's amazingly nice and caring and that makes this whole thing even harder. Never being able to stop the affair and never saying anything to her the guilty got to the point that I had to move out and did. Two years now I am living by myself but I live very close to the woman I am still having an affair with. For as long as I've known this woman I have been happy. We are compatible in so many ways and I am more comfortable with her than I was ever with my wife. This woman and I are also extremely sexual, having sex almost every weekend for the last two years. You name it, we've done it. I want to be with this woman and not have to hide or look over my shoulder at who is looking. I worry every time we go anywhere and dread the day we might see my still wife or someone from work. My parents and family do not know what is going on but I believe they have their suspicions. The dilemma I am having is I am still in so much debt from my marriage I can't afford a divorce. So I linger in this odd area of not being able to get divorced and not being able to really be with the woman I want to be with. This is hurting my still wife, the woman I want to be with, my family and myself. So on I go, lingering in nowhere land. Obviously this story is more complicated and has some more twists and turns but this is where I am beginning. If anybody has any advice, comments or questions let me know. Thank you for reading about my crazy life.

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I don't really have a financial advice as I've never been in your shoes and never had any financial troubles.
But if you love this OW that much, why don't you file a bankruptcy...then file for divorce...and move on with your life? Your W could be very nice but you moved out already, so what's the deal?
Sorry, could not resist it...there are too many frustrated women on these boards (and I am one of them), who are being loved truly and deeply by their AP's...who'd do nothing real or significant to change the situation...really sad...WTH with that?
(((Hugs)))
Very Hurt Vivacious
I have a finical adviser who said that filing for bankruptcy is not a solution to fix my finical problems. But I am in a finical program that is paying my debt down but that won't be done for three more years. My wife is a great person but I believe we are not meant for each other and I actually feel like she might agree. I honestly do want to make this right the best I can at this point. Getting a divorce to me is the answer and everyone involved including myself can move on with our lives. I feel like this whole situation is frozen because of me.
Hi Platty & welcome to the board!
I'm a bit confused about this sentence you wrote, "This is hurting my still wife, the woman I want to be with, my family and myself. "
So do you want to actually BE with the Wife or OW?
Also, if you have lived separately for 2 yrs from your W, how is she hadeling the separation?
I guess I don't really understand why just because you have debt, you are unable to divorce. That really makes no sense. In reality, the debts are half yours and half hers, right? So you can figure all of it out in your divorce settlement. Others have, you can too. For heaven's sake, don't let debt keep you from living your best life.
I'm sure your wife is a nice woman. From the sounds of it, that's not really the issue here. You can't not divorce someone just because they're nice. That's just stupid. And I don't say that frivilously, as I'm sure you've agonized a great deal over it. But when you really think about it, it really doesn't seem like a good reason to stay.
Thanks lost...
I do not want to be with my wife but i don't hate her but I know what I have done is hurting her. Basically as a person I like her and how she is but if she ever found out about what has happened she will be devastated. She is handling the separation the best she can, but I know she is having a hard time getting her life on track. This might be easier if she was the biggest bitch I ever met but she's not, she's sweet as pie. I hurts to know that I am hurting her, my family and the woman I want to be with.
As for dating, I feel since I am still married, the topic of dating would be odd. Do you think that it would be a good idea to bring that up?
Hmmm personally speaking, and I am sorry if I come out straightforward and I may not give the best advice... but being that I am the OW and my AP is lying to me about being married... I don't know your OW but I can tell you that it is PAINFUL to love someone and watch them keep you at a distance (by hiding you).
FINALLY a man w/ the Huevos to leave for the woman that he really wants to be w/!!!!!! My God I should have picked you as my AP instead of Mr. Smooth!
As far as I am concerned you left the marital house. That should free you up to date. You should NOT talk to your W about dating, that will only serve to hurt her more, TRUST ME!
And I am sorry I have to do it. I would be me if I didn't, but you do realize that the majority of your financial problems are your fault. You should taken a stand a long time ago, and told you W "Hey Hunny, I don't have rubber band banks in my pockets, you've got to chill w/ the shopping!" You should also as a union, have pooled your money together despite how little she makes. That would have given her some form of accountability. If it was also her money that she was spending it would have more than likely made her more hesitant to spend it than she would be if it were just your money. She was probably thinking "Well, he never said anything before about my shopping, and he's paying the bills alone. He must have it like that." I mean how else was she suppose to know. It doesn't sound like you two had much communication. That's the number one problem in a marriage.
As far as money goes, I would ad her name to that financial program that your in, and let let her make some sort of contribution. The bills are half her responsibility too. Now, I know your guilty may make you feel like you should just give her everything, but that's not realistic. If you could afford it, I would say, hey leave her as comfortable as possible, but that's not your situation.
I'm curious, is OW married? If she isn't then I don't see why you have to hide. You have already entered into this relationship w/ her, and she deserves to not be a dirty secret. Good Luck, and hang around like somebody else said we love the male opinion around here!
WOW! Thank you all for your straight forward comments and suggestions. This feedback is valuable to me.
To summarize a reply to all your postings I would like to say the following.
-Since the day I moved out 2 years ago I have stopped paying her bills. The only way we are still connected is through my health insurance from work. Other than that we have no connections.
-As for my finical situation, I feel like I created this and I will be responsible for correcting it. I do not want any contribution from her, besides she has her own problems.
-As for getting a divorce with being in the finical situation I'm in, basically I live pay check to pay check with very little if any money left over. So does one afford a divorce in this kind of situation?
-As for the OW, I love her dearly. She has been amazing to me through this all and no she is not married. Yes we have had our moments where frustration gets the best of us but I feel it's because of the situation we are in. We both want to be open about it but feel we can't. Part of the issue is she comes from a very strict family and this would not be acceptable if they found out. Somehow we want this to be in the open and accepted by people we love and care about.
Needless to say I've never been through a divorce or even really understand the first step to take. Does anybody have any suggestions?
Thank you all again.
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
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