my crazy situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2012
my crazy situation
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 8:06pm

Here is my situation…I feel like by writing about it I might gain a little clarity, as well as perhaps get some insight from everyone here.

“Bob” is a might-as-well-be-married man I got involved with three and a half years ago. Fourteen years with his girlfriend, two kids, the whole thing. They always had a pretty dysfunctional relationship, which is why they never married. Or at least, so I’m told. I think I got fed the same line every Other Woman does…he’s not in love…he’s staying for the kids…the time isn’t right to leave, but eventually he will…when he does leave it won’t be for me, it will be because he just needs to leave her.

I am head over heels in love with Bob. However, being that I figured he’d never leave his girlfriend and we weren’t “together” together, I always reserved the right to see other men. Bob knew about this. So, about two months ago I started seeing “Fred.” I still saw Bob too. My rationalization was, I committed nothing to either one of them. I owed neither one of them anything. I wanted to see how things went. You know, I figured, maybe I’d meet someone that would help me fall out of love with Bob.

Fred is a good guy and I genuinely care for him. Fred knows nothing about Bob. NOTHING. Fred and I haven’t officially had the “are we exclusive” talk yet, but I think at this point it’s assumed. So yeah, I’m hiding the Bob situation from him in a big way.

I’m selfish, but…I really thought Fred would be my ticket away from Bob.

In the meantime…well wouldn’t you believe it but Bob is splitting from his girlfriend and wants me to be with him when it’s all said and done. I even told him about Fred (well…in a kind of watered down way. He knows we’ve slept together but not the extent of how much time we’ve spent together, or that we’ve, for example, gone away for a few weekends together). And just like that, I got sucked back into an affair with Bob. Now, I’m not just the other woman, I’m a cheating girlfriend.

My heart says Bob. My head says Fred. I can’t keep playing both of them the way I am right now. I’m making promises to both that I can’t keep, and it’s all going to come crashing down on me.

What do I do? I am caught up in so many lies right now and I’ve got to get out of them.

My plan of action right now is to break it off with both of them and clear my head. I’m just going to have a hard time staying away from Bob. We slept together last night. I need strength, a good action plan, a good butt whipping? I don’t know.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 9:33pm

Well I'm no expert, but here are the things that came to my mind after reading your post...

Breaking it off with both of them like you stated

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 03-04-2012 - 9:35pm

Hmm...I guess the question is, what does splitting from her mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 12:52am
janejosie wrote:

Hmm...I guess the question is, what does splitting from her mean?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 7:17am
My question is Bob using the "I am leaving her, I want to be with you", because he fears loosing you? Has he already moved out? (I have a feeling, they will once again work it out, 14 a long time.) Loving Bob leaves little room for Fred and also leaves you living half a life, you have heard all the standard lines, even when I leave "it will be for me, not you" you are his safety net, you have always been there he relies on that, for himself, not so much you. Right now there is turmoil in his life, it is natural to reach for something safe and familiar. My fear for you is, Bob is not really going to leave. Even though he is not committed through marriage, he is committed to the history, the children and the known comfort of the dysfunctionality of the relationship. It also sounds like you like Fred, but that you would be ok letting him go? If that is the case, make a clean break from them both. Which is a heck of a lot easier said then done. Big hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 12:14pm

I have the same concern about Bob as everyone else. I don't think I would believe him until I saw him renting his own place and being there for a few months. It takes at least that to get over such a long relationship. And we all know that many couples start trying working things out after a separation. I was once with a guy who just split up from a difficult gfriend. We were together 2.5 months and they decided to try it again. He always told me that he was happy with me, missed me, not her, but still couldn't resist trying it again. And they didn't have kids. Things didn't work out between them and he started trying to get me back again.....

I think splitting up from both of them is a good idea, so you can figure things out for yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2012
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 2:27pm

Thank you all so much for your replies (and, I'm replying to shark447 but I'm speaking to all of you, LOL).

Many of the same questions about Bob popped into my head. I even told him, as far as splitting with her goes, I'll believe it when I see it. And that even if he does split with her for real, I

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2012
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 2:31pm

And some quick details on ages/kid situations:

I am 35 and Bob is 41. Fred is 27.

I have a five year old child (I've been divorced for four years).

Fred has a 5 month old baby (so he's just recently out of a pretty dramatic relationship).

Bob's kids are 5 and 7.

Again, thank you for taking the time to reply. Have a wonderful day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2005
Mon, 03-05-2012 - 2:50pm
If Fred is just out from a dramatic relationship, he might not be ready for a new relationship just yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2012
Wed, 03-07-2012 - 5:20pm
So a quick update: I ended it with Fred and it hurt him badly. I still talk to Bob and he's looking to move out of their house, but hasn't yet.

I feel so horrible. I think I'm regretting ending it with Fred but I could just be reacting to how hurt and angry he is with me.

I'm just venting and I'm in pain but I just feel so unworthy of love after what I've done. I almost want to be physically punished for it. Is that strange? I feel like if I never find love again that's my karmic justice. I'm just feeling so low right now. If I knew then what I know now I would have never gotten involved with Bob.

Thanks to all of you who replied, and thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. It's comforting to know I'm not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 03-08-2012 - 12:02pm
I know just how you feel...

When I chose my AP/BF over my husband, and the pain that I put that man through. Well lets just say it's something that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. However, it would have been FAR worse staying with my ex-h, being head over heels in love with AP. And by worse, I mean dishonest. Yes, the affair was that too, but compounding the situation did not seem to be the right thing to do. I feel as you do as well, if only I knew then what I know now...I might never have gotten involved with AP.

Hang in there and come vent here when you need's invaluable help when most needed.