My decision for NOW
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My decision for NOW
| Mon, 09-08-2003 - 12:31pm |
If you've read any of my other posts I had a BAD day yesterday because I am trying to end my platonic affair with my MM who's also my best friend. We met at work and I would never have guessed I would've fallen in love with a MM with 2 kids. My father had numerous affairs and I vowed I'd never be "one of those sluts". My MM and I have never had sex...but we do express our love for one another and he lets me know I am a joy in his life. He also acknowledges my pain when I have to let him go home after we spend time together. When we first admitted we loved each other he wanted to leave--at least he said so. But after only a few weeks I sat him down and asked him to HONESTLY tell me if he would and he said probably not because the thought of not seeing his 2 boys grow up made him sick. He also has doubt over leaving his wife because even though he knows he'd be happier with me, she has not done anything wrong to deserve being left. SO I KNOW for now he will not be leaving. We are trying SO hard to keep a friendship and we have promised not to cross the physical line as he says it would only make it harder to be apart and he says IF we do end up together down the road I will know I can trust him from that aspect.
I have tried breaking it off but I just want SO bad to be able to have him in my life. He says we should come up with some rules or guidelines on how things should progress. I love this man dearly and if he showed up tomorrow at my doorstep I would let him in....BUT I also now the probability is NIL for that. So, since we haven't been physical is it possible to have a healthy friendship-style affair? Does anyone think once love has been stated you can survive this stuff?
I need positive input on how to do this....

Maybe it'll help to know what happened to me in a little more detail because I've been where you're headed. My MM and I had been friends and co-workers for a while, both lost weight around the same time, and then a few months ago my appearance suddenly changed. Call it a makeover, whatever, but I walked into his office one day and it was as if he was seeing me for the same time. I'd noticed him for the first time a week or so earlier looking good because he'd been working out and his face had started getting that chiseled look. Anyway, we started a routine of talking on the phone first thing in the morning and then visiting each other twice a day (me in his office once, him in my office the second time). He fell hard and fast and let me know it -- seems he likes being honest. He was always telling me how beautiful I was and how he couldn't stop thinking about me and soon I was lured in. Then he started feeling guilty. We are both married, after all, and this was way wrong. He started pushing me away...sure I was just in this for my ego to be boosted when he was actually falling in love. It hurt, but I never thought this would be a cakewalk. But then he came back around for a while and things were really, really good...
Then we started kissing -- just platonic, friendly kisses, but they started feeling more intimate. They were still pecks, but something about the way we came together got heavier. Then next thing I know, we're kissing longer and... Well, we shared about four deep kisses over the space of a week before he totally flipped. What flipped him was the day he brought his daughter to work and he snuck away while she was visiting with a co-worker to come kiss me. He realized then how much he was losing his heart to me and totally freaked out. The following Monday he started trying to push me away and things have been rocky ever since.
The biggest mistake I made was in kissing him. Before that we were just "flirting friends" and we hadn't really ventured over into A. We never have said we love each other, he just points to his heart and insinuates it. I do too, but not nearly as often. Before the kiss, there were days when it seemed like he was going crazy not being able to see me. He'd call every hour or so, sneak away to see me every chance he could get. Now it's as if he's avoiding me most days. It's Monday at almost 1:00 and I don't even know if he's here or not. Very depressing and hard to deal with. Chances are he had something come up and he couldn't get away to call me, but I never know anymore. I could be being avoided...or not. Another complication is that people were starting to talk and it got back to him. He's terrified his wife is going to hear he's having an A, and he doesn't want to risk losing his daughter. I'm almost prepared to let him go completely because, to be honest with you, I'm just so tired of the pain. SO, SO tired of crying all the time. I'm on the verge of tears practically all the time and although I love him, I just don't know if the highs of being with him are worth the lows of not knowing where he is (physically or emotionally). Please avoid taking it to the "guilt" level. Once you've gotten physical, it'll hit him what he's doing and there will be no going back. If you do try to go back, as we are right now, you'll always have that desire there because you'll know what he tastes like, what it's like to feel his arms around you. Trust me...stay "flirting friends" as long as you possibly can. Have a verbal affair if you want, but just don't take it physical. I'll help you be strong if you'd like! I'd really like someone to help me be strong as well. I'm going to rely on this board for that if he ever starts trying to kiss again...