My Dh's best friend.... need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
My Dh's best friend.... need help
2
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:49pm
hi,

I didnt know where to go with this, so this is where I am even though I havent cheated.


Anyway, my husband has been best friends with this fella "Jack" for years. We've always been good friends, and we've always trusted each other with priveledged info.


Anyway these days I find myself feeling very attracted to him, and I am constantly have dreams about him. He's always complimenting me in a suggestive way, and I have objected because we've been friends and its never gone farther than that. But I see him almost every day and some days I think my feelings have faded away but then they come back again.

The other thing worth mentioning is that this fella, Jack used to have an ongoing sexual relationship with another very good friends Girlfried. They werent married, but still it was secret execpt to me. Anyway she ended up pregnant, and Jack was worried that it was his baby, and when it turned out Not to be he cut ties with her and hasnt gone back. And I think he'll never do anything like that again.

I guess I am just wanting to know how to cope with this. I see Jack almost everyday and were good friends. What am I supposed to do?


Amy


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:31pm
hi Amy,

Have you ever heard writers use an expression something like, "If you can possibly it, do not become a writer. Only become a writer if you absolutely have to."

That sort of applies to affairs. If you have to think about it and in any way talk yourself into it, it's probably best you steer clear of the temptation. There's usually something good about it, but at least as many things complicated and difficult.

You post is absent of something a lot of people have here: complaints about unhappiness in your marriage. Are you really unhappy or are you just finding yourself smiling when "Jack" is around? A male friend who has made you feel special with priveleged information and suggestive compliments is a real temptation.

I have a couple of female friends like that. So I avoid them. Even now, when I'm already having an A and have moved out to live alone, I am absolutely conscious that if I allow those women to find out and they make any kind of overture, I'm just likely to do something stupid. And it would be stupid; I have enough problems with the two relationships I have. I'm only having an A because I honestly just felt myself dragged down by the passion, compatibility and intensity of this woman, not because some compliments made me heady. I really have trouble saying I couldn't help it, but that's very much the way I feel.

Temptation shows up as bad news in most religions for a reason: giving in can easily lead to unhappiness in the soul. If you can possibly avoid it, my advice is that you should. Especially if you're not really unhappy in your marriage.

Good Luck

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 2:48pm
Hi Amy,

I've been having an A with my husband's best friend for 3 months and to say that it's complicated would be an understatement! There are so many things to think about apart from what your feelings may or may not be for this guy. The main one being...what happens if something does occur between you and your H finds out? Is it worth not only hurting your marriage but destroying a friendship as well? It would devastate me if my H lost his friendship over this and I struggle with that everyday.

It would be so much easier if we weren't all friends (he's married as well). If something happens, can you deal with seeing him when you all get together and be able to hide that there's something going on? What will happen when it ends? (and it WILL end eventually!) You will still have to see each other. Will you be able to remain friends? Can you trust him not to tell ANYONE EVER?

It comes down to whether you're willing to risk everything to be with your friend in this way. And you have to ask yourself what is missing from your marriage to cause this attraction. Is there something that you and your H can fix to keep this from going any further?

I would just caution you to look at all the negatives before you take the next step. The reality is that sometimes it's more fun to just have the attraction and the flirtation without taking it to the next level.

I've obviously made my decision and so far, I'm very happy with it. It's taught me some important things about myself and my M and as of now, I don't regret a thing. But I do wish that I had taken some of these things into consideration before making the leap.

If you decide not to pursue it, I would suggest that you separate yourself as much as possible from him. If he's coming over, go shopping. If he calls, hand the phone to your H immediately. Do whatever you have to do to NOT put yourself in a compromising position.

Good luck to you!

Jess