My EA wants NC till I call a lawyer

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
My EA wants NC till I call a lawyer
8
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:38am

My emotional affair doesn't want me to call him until I have called a lawyer and planned a divorce. I can't blame him but miss him so much I feel physically ill. We have been in the EA for almost 4 years even though we have known each other for 15. I have been in a unhappy marriage for most of the entire 18 year marriage. I haven't been able to make myself file for divorce although I have talked about it to H. He cries and tells me I took vows etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 11:21am

Hi and I don' really have any advice to offer since I am S and never been M I

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 12:56pm
Dont leave 'for' your AP.Leave if your M is unhappy and that you want an out.I say this to say that if it doesnt work out with AP later ,then you would have lost a M that could have been turned around if tried a bit harder.
As for your AP,he is making a choice to be with you so dont carry the guilt that its your indecision,he deserves better ,etc.He is a big boy and understands where his emotional needs are being met and where he wants to be.
I am not married,never have been but do realize how difficult it is to D.Much easier said than done!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 5:04pm

I've never been married and some might look at me as being an awful person for having an A. I don't know if my advice will be helpful to you but I believe it's certainly food for the soul.


My parents have been married for 26 years as of yesterday. But they are not happy together. My father treats their anniversary as though its any other day. I want my parents to separate

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2009
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 5:39pm

sounds like your ap offered you an ultimatum. Now, it's up to you to take it or leave it. The choice is really yours. I must wonder if your h can "twists it to make it my fault" to make you feel like you could be doing something more, maybe you can. You've stayed in your marriage for a reason. Look within your self for that reason. Then, make your decision. If it's just the 2 of you, maybe you need to just walk away. Pack your things and leave. You also didn't say in your post what it is that is so bad about your marriage, or your h, only that you've been unhappy for 18 years. While I think that's odd (and you can expect other people to think the same) I was unhappy in my marriage for about 4 years, so I can see how the years might get away from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 6:09pm

Yeah, you are in a tough spot.. all those years in a marriage you do not want to be in.. i think your AP did the best thing.. I'd give you 1% chance (or less) that you'd leave your M, and your AP is smart and realized this. You may complain about your situation, but I think you are just venting. When it comes to it, you are OK with your M, but don't want to admit it and want to create this drama about how miserable your life is. Your AP saw through this and did the right thing by leaving you to your own fate that you made. My advice.. stop pretending that your life is miserable and accept that this is what you chose and will lead this life. If it truly was that bad, you'd have left your M a long time ago.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 7:31pm

"stop pretending that your life is miserable and accept that this is what you chose and will lead this life. If it truly was that bad, you'd have left your M a long time ago."

that statement is so untrue. it's not easy to get divorced and costs a lot of money. by the way i was married for 26 years, very unhappy before i filed.

MoonUnit

MoonUnit

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Fri, 03-05-2010 - 8:27pm
Hi Messed up (((hugs))))
I sort of can relate to you and hope I can help a little bit.
I have been married almost 30 years. About 15 years ago, I was at the end of my rope with H. He was partying every weekend, was verbally and emotionally abusive and I had had enough. I had a good friend who was an EA ( we were attracted and almost lovers) and with him around I finally felt the courage to say I'd had enough. it wasn't BECAUSE of him but his support helped me make a huge decision. I asked my husband to leave. He begged, pleaded, did everything in his power to make me feel bad but you know what? I didn't. I felt if he cared one bit he would have stopped his partying like I had asked for years, he would have treated me better and showed a little compassion and care. After 6 weeks, he came back because we were in counseling and he made an honest effort to change. Unfortunately I found out he had cheated before all this and I have cheated several times since although sadly he has changed and become a wonderful husband (I need to work on myself now). The point is, YOU deserve to be happy, you cannot stay with your husband because he guilt's you into it. If you t old me he was a wonderful husband and father and you didnt want to break up your marriage I could feel a bit more sympathy about you leaving but what do you owe him? NOTHING. Here's the thing. if he really truly loved you and cared he would have changed years ago. When I asked my husband to leave, I felt the biggest weight off my shoulders. I felt like I had finally stood up for myself and did something for me. You have stayed with him for 18 years and been miserable. It is now time for you to be happy and live your life. ultimately it is your decision but please do not allow your H to guilt you into staying in a marriage you are no longer happy in. I wish you much luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Sat, 03-06-2010 - 10:27am

Moonunit,


I totally agreee with you.