my fantasy....
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| Sat, 01-10-2004 - 1:23pm |
I'm married and have a daughter - my husband is a great father and husband, I'm probably crazy for not being happily married - but, while I love my husband, I am just not in love with him right now. I once was but my story is really weird (but probably more common than I think). To make a long story short - I was married to a man who was somewhat verbally abusive and didn't give a crap about me - met another man, got the courage to divorce hubby one, started dating this other man and married him about one and half years after my divorce. Really kind of stupid I think but we've been married since and have a daughter now but I can't help but think we rushed into this marriage prematurely.
Anyway - for the past couple of years, our marriage was really crappy - he was all about work and I was more often than not left all alone. I ended up meeting this other guy that I developed this major crush on. He is just the best thing since sliced bread in my book and I love being around him. Well, I wrote about him in my diary and my hubby just so happened to read my diary because, as he said at the time, I was all closed off and he couldn't figure me out and the marriage counseling we were and still are in wasn't telling him anything - so he read all about my feelings for this guy - that was about four months ago and since then I've managed to lie my a#@ off and make him think I have no feelings for this guy and I hate him.
Reality - I cannot stop thinking about this guy and would do anything to be with him. He's so much what I want to a man and then some and we have some things in common. I see him occasionally - well, my hubby confronted him about our relationship and it scared him off, he didn't know what to do so he just stayed away from me - but all I want to do is be with him but I can't tell him. I've hinted of my attraction to him but either he hasn't gotten these hints or just doesn't feel anything for me, but I've always got the feeling there was some sort of attraction there by how he would act around me sometimes.
I don't know - I feel like such a loser - I fantasize about this man constantly and sometimes wish I weren't married or that my hubby would pass away so I could have a chance to see if I could be with him (how sick is that?!). This is really making kind of miserable, although when I dream about him I am very happy - just thinking about being with him and being able to give my love to him - what a thing that would be!
I'm sorry if I sound so weird - I feel like a lunatic!

I mean this in the most friendly terms, You should ge individual consuling with a professional in the mental health field , to determine why you go from one unsuitable man to another, there is no reason to think man #3 will work out any better then #1 or #2.
The ideas you have been accepting of your husband dieing to make room for #3 are scary.
Sorry to be hard on you but if you do nothing you could be on man #10 in a few years and no more happy then you are today.
Free