This is my first post
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| Tue, 03-30-2004 - 11:11am |
About 1 1/2 years ago the MM and I really began to carry our talk further. Not sexual things just sharing our lives with each other. I had no clue if he was happy in his marriage or not, we really didn't talk about it. But eventually we decided to meet. Nothing happened, we just talked. We did this for about a month, then decided to meet one night and take that next step. It was great. But comical in some ways, we ended up in a huge fight about what had just happened (guilt I guess), but agreed that we both wanted to be together so we laughed and went back to work the next day. The first 8 months of the affair we only me 3 times. Each time we met it was amazing. We had many discussions in between about the "why's" of what we were doing. We knew we were great friends and knew that we wanted to keep that friendship in tact and realize that if we get busted that is no longer an option. I told him up front, I am not looking for someone to sweep me off my feet............. I just enjoyed being with someone that I could have fun with and relax with. Before our second meeting he asked me if I thought I could fall in love with him. I told him I hadn't really thought about it at all...... but to me love is a feeling that two people can share without having a "forever" involved. We can love in many different ways, it doesn't have to include mortgages, kids or marriage. We realized that we had fun together even when there was no sex involved.
In the fall of this past year things really heated up for us. We had the opportunity to spend an entire night together and in his words...."it was the best ever". I have never felt this comfortable with my husband and we have been married 20 years. Over the next few months we were able to spend a lot of time together...seeing each other a couple times a week. During the holidays there were major problems at his house and I told him there is no way you can leave her right now, with two small children. That is unthinkable. There were times that we were together when he said that we would be so good together and that he would be gone in a heartbeat if it weren't for his kids. He always seems to be apologizing for that. I finally asked him one day, why do you apologize? I told you I will never ask you for anything. If he ever left I wanted it to be under his own steam, not because of me. I don't want the stress of that on this relationship. Somewhere along the way, I have fallen in love with him. I told him this in the fall, but I also told him that I see what happens to a marrige when an affair is discovered and he needs to be aware of the consequences. In my opinion he needs to be sure that he no longer wants to work things out with her, I know her, and I think she would make life miserable for him if she knew what he has done. It is my love and concern for him that has made me unwilling to overly express my feelings for him and also I am sure fear, from my own experiences in my marriage.
In the early part of Feb. I saw him and he made the statement "why couldn't we have ended up together?" I told him it would have been great, but we didn't but we are together now. Later the next week we went away for the night and again expressions on this kind were made by him.......... He has never said he loves me, I've only told him in a letter. His response to me that day was that as long as I meant what I wrote that was all that matters to him. No other discussion has ever been expressed about it.
Here is were the confusion comes in................ In Feb. I left my H because he had been physically abusing me. I only moved down the street to my parents house and was in constant contact with him. MM knew about this and was in agreement because he was afraid I would be hurt. There were many opportunities for us to see each other during this time, but he made excuses. We talked a lot but things just changed. I finally just pinned him on it and he again apologized for not leaving and I said I never asked you to, and he said that he puts the pressure on himself. His mom tells him to leave his wife, he knows he should but because of the two SMALL children he cannot do it. His wife is gone A LOT and he has the kids and that is perfect for him. Perfect situation. She makes lots of money and he has a hobby that requires that income. His situation is perfect and he knows it....I know it. That is not a complaint from me, I completely understand.
I have never tried to put pressure on him about anything....seeing me, expressing his feelings...leaving..../nothing. He agrees with that. He told me that he had some "issues" that he needed to deal with on a personal level and that he needed some time. I said that is ok, but if you want out of this all you have to do is say it. Don't be afraid, I will be heartbroken but I will survive (this comes from all I've been through)..........he tells me he doesn't want it to be over....that he cannot tell me that. We haven't seen each other in 6 weeks, other than work. We have talked constantly at work and home when opportunity arises. He got caught using a friends cell to call me (by his friend) and he says that there are times he's called my cell even in the middle of the night and the other day at 5 am. I wanted to ask why 5 am but didn't! We have had someone say that we are having affair and we both think this person has said something to his wife. I told him that if this means enough and there are enough feelings involved we can work through it, lay low, keep talking but see what happens....if we get busted or not. He agrees this is what he wants to do, he cannot say to me he wants it over. I asked him this Friday to his face...."can you NOT just look me in the face and say you don't want to do this anymore??" and he looked me right in the eyes and said NO, I cannot. I want this.
So my question goes out to all of you........ MM and I have neither one ever been involved with anything like this before. He told me altho he is on the road with hobby a lot he has never ever so much as touched another woman........ this is all new to both of us. Why does he distance himself from me after we have these amazing all nighters??? Is this common with affairs? IT leaves me sooo confused. During the last big talk he told me that he would love to spend time with me just doing things....not the sex, that is added bonus, but just to be together. He had to go about 4 hours away and pick something up the other day and he said he would love to take me with him, just to be company to each other, but knew that he couldn't cause he was meeting a friend and his wife would call MM's wife before we put the truck in park. I just am soooo confused.
I hate writing all of this, I know it bores, but just felt that first post should give some background.
I would appreciate anyone's honest opinion of my situation. There are so many more things that have taken place but this is a pretty good overview.

"Come what may, today will end, and tomorrow will bring a brighter day."
hi tomcat.
I'm sure you are right, he is just stepping back and looking at the situation...he did this a couple months ago too, went away from home to a friends a couple of days to just think....... he said no solution when he came back and A was just as intense as ever........
I don't have doubts about seeing him again. I know that we will be together and that we can talk then. I usually see him at work first thing in the morning but I have tried to stay in my "corner" for the remainder of the day. He still comes by and says hey, get a little hug and checks on me.....those are the best things for us right now.
Thanks again. tomcat
hi and vent as much as you want to right here.
I feel better with the postings. I am glad there is a place to vent. I actually had a great day yesterday and a great one has started today. Saw MM first thing, but we are testing this week so no time for talk. I have no idea what he is thinking but I miss being able to just have time for small talk...like you do with your friends. We are trying not to change our routine too much. Some that we work with are close to MM's W. We have to be careful....
Hope everyone has a great day.
Tomcat
MM is an only child that was so close to his father. He passed away right before this A began, I think it pushed him to make a move towards me. He has grieved so much. This past summer my father became ill and just yesterday we found out that he has lung cancer and his heart is too weak for any kind of treatment. He is old and feels he's lived long enough. I am heartbroken. I just went and told MM about it, he just looked at me and I could feel his pain for me. I would love to find comfort in those arms, and hope that someday we will have time to really talk about it.
Thanks for your support
Tomcat
I'm so sorry to hear about your father - my thoughts and prayers will be with him - and also with you. I hope you can get some comfort from your MM in this difficult time. It might not be appropriate to say, but to have him comfort you right now will help you a lot (been there, done that - not quite in the same situation, but the comfort was there). MM and I had that . . .attraction was there, but nothing was ever said, until, one day when we were alone and having a nice conversation about a vacation I was on in CT, he just asked a question and I never did get to answer it - he just leaned over and kissed me and the rest, my friend, is history :)) By the way, I'm older than MM too - 7 yrs - doesn't matter though. Talk to you soon - - -
Thank you so much for the prayers for my father. He is 79, I was born late in his life, and lives a few houses from me, this makes it easy to spend quality time with him.
Have a great day,
TOmcat
That is how I feel too, he's a big boy and can make his own decision about this - there's no hurry here - after 2 years, we'll still learning each other.
Talk to you again and take care of your dad - it's the only one you've got!!!!