This is my first post

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
This is my first post
10
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 11:11am
This is my first post to this website. I have been reading for a couple of days and have struggled with the thought of telling my story. I have decided this seems to be a very safe place to get some objective opinions. I am a MW having affair with a MM that I work with. We have known each other for a very long time. About 4 years ago, events led me to discover that my H had been involved in serveral affairs. At least 2 were long term, 5 years each. I was really having a difficult time because I had not been happy in my marriage for a very long time. I had feelings of anger steming from the fact that I had denied my gut feelings of unhappiness and been doing what I believe was the "right thing" and all along my H was chasing his desires, not worrying about me or our children. I live in a very small community and one of the affairs was with someone that every HATED, so when the affair surfaced it was common knowledge all over town. This is where MM started coming by my room each day, checking to see how I was doing and telling me to just smile that pretty smile. We would talk some, have duty together and he actually was teaching one of my children. This went on for about 2 1/2 years. I had begun going out some on the weekends with my sister and would tell MM about all the fun we had. He would tease me about being jealous, stuff like that. I had thought of leaving my H but because of financial stress and 3 children, I didn't. I tried for about 2 years to work it out, thinking that finally we had the bad stuff out in the open and we could get on with our lives and repair all the things that had gone wrong. Well, two have to be willing to do that, I learned this the hard way. H wanted the marriage but thought just because he wasn't cheating any longer I should just forgive him and forget it and move on with our lives. It wasn't that easy. He had put me through so much emotional abuse before during and after the affairs that I wasn't so easy to just say it was ok, let's get on with it. I thought we needed serious counseling, he wasn't willing.

About 1 1/2 years ago the MM and I really began to carry our talk further. Not sexual things just sharing our lives with each other. I had no clue if he was happy in his marriage or not, we really didn't talk about it. But eventually we decided to meet. Nothing happened, we just talked. We did this for about a month, then decided to meet one night and take that next step. It was great. But comical in some ways, we ended up in a huge fight about what had just happened (guilt I guess), but agreed that we both wanted to be together so we laughed and went back to work the next day. The first 8 months of the affair we only me 3 times. Each time we met it was amazing. We had many discussions in between about the "why's" of what we were doing. We knew we were great friends and knew that we wanted to keep that friendship in tact and realize that if we get busted that is no longer an option. I told him up front, I am not looking for someone to sweep me off my feet............. I just enjoyed being with someone that I could have fun with and relax with. Before our second meeting he asked me if I thought I could fall in love with him. I told him I hadn't really thought about it at all...... but to me love is a feeling that two people can share without having a "forever" involved. We can love in many different ways, it doesn't have to include mortgages, kids or marriage. We realized that we had fun together even when there was no sex involved.

In the fall of this past year things really heated up for us. We had the opportunity to spend an entire night together and in his words...."it was the best ever". I have never felt this comfortable with my husband and we have been married 20 years. Over the next few months we were able to spend a lot of time together...seeing each other a couple times a week. During the holidays there were major problems at his house and I told him there is no way you can leave her right now, with two small children. That is unthinkable. There were times that we were together when he said that we would be so good together and that he would be gone in a heartbeat if it weren't for his kids. He always seems to be apologizing for that. I finally asked him one day, why do you apologize? I told you I will never ask you for anything. If he ever left I wanted it to be under his own steam, not because of me. I don't want the stress of that on this relationship. Somewhere along the way, I have fallen in love with him. I told him this in the fall, but I also told him that I see what happens to a marrige when an affair is discovered and he needs to be aware of the consequences. In my opinion he needs to be sure that he no longer wants to work things out with her, I know her, and I think she would make life miserable for him if she knew what he has done. It is my love and concern for him that has made me unwilling to overly express my feelings for him and also I am sure fear, from my own experiences in my marriage.

In the early part of Feb. I saw him and he made the statement "why couldn't we have ended up together?" I told him it would have been great, but we didn't but we are together now. Later the next week we went away for the night and again expressions on this kind were made by him.......... He has never said he loves me, I've only told him in a letter. His response to me that day was that as long as I meant what I wrote that was all that matters to him. No other discussion has ever been expressed about it.

Here is were the confusion comes in................ In Feb. I left my H because he had been physically abusing me. I only moved down the street to my parents house and was in constant contact with him. MM knew about this and was in agreement because he was afraid I would be hurt. There were many opportunities for us to see each other during this time, but he made excuses. We talked a lot but things just changed. I finally just pinned him on it and he again apologized for not leaving and I said I never asked you to, and he said that he puts the pressure on himself. His mom tells him to leave his wife, he knows he should but because of the two SMALL children he cannot do it. His wife is gone A LOT and he has the kids and that is perfect for him. Perfect situation. She makes lots of money and he has a hobby that requires that income. His situation is perfect and he knows it....I know it. That is not a complaint from me, I completely understand.

I have never tried to put pressure on him about anything....seeing me, expressing his feelings...leaving..../nothing. He agrees with that. He told me that he had some "issues" that he needed to deal with on a personal level and that he needed some time. I said that is ok, but if you want out of this all you have to do is say it. Don't be afraid, I will be heartbroken but I will survive (this comes from all I've been through)..........he tells me he doesn't want it to be over....that he cannot tell me that. We haven't seen each other in 6 weeks, other than work. We have talked constantly at work and home when opportunity arises. He got caught using a friends cell to call me (by his friend) and he says that there are times he's called my cell even in the middle of the night and the other day at 5 am. I wanted to ask why 5 am but didn't! We have had someone say that we are having affair and we both think this person has said something to his wife. I told him that if this means enough and there are enough feelings involved we can work through it, lay low, keep talking but see what happens....if we get busted or not. He agrees this is what he wants to do, he cannot say to me he wants it over. I asked him this Friday to his face...."can you NOT just look me in the face and say you don't want to do this anymore??" and he looked me right in the eyes and said NO, I cannot. I want this.

So my question goes out to all of you........ MM and I have neither one ever been involved with anything like this before. He told me altho he is on the road with hobby a lot he has never ever so much as touched another woman........ this is all new to both of us. Why does he distance himself from me after we have these amazing all nighters??? Is this common with affairs? IT leaves me sooo confused. During the last big talk he told me that he would love to spend time with me just doing things....not the sex, that is added bonus, but just to be together. He had to go about 4 hours away and pick something up the other day and he said he would love to take me with him, just to be company to each other, but knew that he couldn't cause he was meeting a friend and his wife would call MM's wife before we put the truck in park. I just am soooo confused.

I hate writing all of this, I know it bores, but just felt that first post should give some background.

I would appreciate anyone's honest opinion of my situation. There are so many more things that have taken place but this is a pretty good overview.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:00pm
Hi there. I don't have any words of wisdom to pass on to you but I just wanted you to know that I read your post. Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

"Come what may, today will end, and tomorrow will bring a brighter day."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 1:58pm

hi tomcat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 3:07pm
Thanks for the replies. I hate these hang ups I have that carry over from the terrible M. I stress out sometimes because I don't want MM being with me unless he wants to be and then when we do have these "breaks" it feels like rejection. He has told me in the past that he doesn't ever intend to put this distance between us and I think that it makes it so much worse because we do work together. He has made the comment before that he wishes we didn't because he wants to come to my room all the time, that it's hard for him to stay away. It makes it difficult for both of us I know. Anytime there has been talk of ending it, I'll admit it's been me. I'm just afraid of the end result. I don't want to lose the friendship I have with him. He is one of those people that is very friendly with everyone, but not close to many. I just know that true friendships are rare and I feel I have a TRUE friend in him. I know that he will never leave his wife. I don't expect him too. The night he told me that he had issues he asked me what I expected of this relationship.... I told him that it was nice to have someone to be with that wasn't critical or griping at you at every move you made (or didn't) and I laughed...he said "that's not funny, it's the truth". I know his wife through mutual friends and I know that she is very unhappy with the relationship...she just tolerates him that is all. She even told me that if it weren't for fear of some other woman having control over her kids, she would not think twice if he walked out the door..... I wonder how we all end up in such miserable situations sometimes. IT STINKS!!!! I have told OM that I want to just have fun, yes I am sure there will be feelings and this is great....but in the end I know that we will both remain where we are. Neither can leave the marriages we are in. He tells me I make this very hard for him......when I asked him what he means by that comment he just says, you make it hard..... I guess he means staying in the marriage, I don't know. I sometimes feel I don't ask enough questions because I don't want to dig into the feelings thing very deep right now....... I just want to have fun and be together.....that is why I cannot understand the disappearing act.........IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, I WANT TO HAVE FUN!!!!! so where is he?????? What a roller coaster of emotion. If only we could just be non commital and relax and not even have to deal with the emotional aspects.....

I'm sure you are right, he is just stepping back and looking at the situation...he did this a couple months ago too, went away from home to a friends a couple of days to just think....... he said no solution when he came back and A was just as intense as ever........

I don't have doubts about seeing him again. I know that we will be together and that we can talk then. I usually see him at work first thing in the morning but I have tried to stay in my "corner" for the remainder of the day. He still comes by and says hey, get a little hug and checks on me.....those are the best things for us right now.

Thanks again. tomcat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Tue, 03-30-2004 - 3:42pm

hi and vent as much as you want to right here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:53am
thanks, life....thing is I HATE ROLLERCOASTERS! AVOID THEM AT PARKS...UNLESS THEY GO FAST AND DON'T HAVE ANY STEEP FALLS!

I feel better with the postings. I am glad there is a place to vent. I actually had a great day yesterday and a great one has started today. Saw MM first thing, but we are testing this week so no time for talk. I have no idea what he is thinking but I miss being able to just have time for small talk...like you do with your friends. We are trying not to change our routine too much. Some that we work with are close to MM's W. We have to be careful....

Hope everyone has a great day.

Tomcat

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:40am
... glad you posted - it really helps to put it in words - I actually keep a little 'diary' (with a password) on my computer to put down all my thoughts. Yes, it is a big roller coaster ride, but, as in all of our cases, I'm sure, we think it's worth it - and in my case, I'm sure it is :) I'm a MW and having been with my MM for 2 1/2 years, he too, has said he wishes we would've met 20 years ago - but . . .. it was 'supposed' to happen at this point for whatever reason. We don't know if we'll ever, as he would like to do too, grow old together, but we have to see what the future holds for us. He has 3 teenage kids and I have an extremely ill husband whom I would never leave under the present circumstances, so . . time will tell. We both wish we could spend more time together (5-6 hours/week isn't enough), but . . .. if it's meant to be, it will be - we just keep enjoying what we have together for now . . . .Good luck to you, and write whenever the need strikes you. Hope to talk to you again! Have a wonderful day!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:01am
The twist to my story is the MM's W and I rode back and forth to college together 13 years ago. She was in her 1st marriage and my OM, her H now, rode with us some too. They were friends through her brother. At the time my OM wouldn't even look me in the eye. I am 6 years older than he is. It is funny now, we talk about it. I tell him at least one of us ended up with you! He doesn't think it's too funny, feels it was the WRONG one. I told him when I got married at the age of 18 he was 12.... don't think he would have had much interest in me at that age!!! So yes, I feel like you do, it's happened now for a reason. I think he has always been interested in me, now that I look back and all the things I failed to notice in the past. Conversations we had when he first came to work where I do. He even told me one time a few years ago, that his father had called him and talked to him about me! His dad had heard that we were having an A. This was wayyyyy before anything ever happened between us. I think that is just too weird for words.

MM is an only child that was so close to his father. He passed away right before this A began, I think it pushed him to make a move towards me. He has grieved so much. This past summer my father became ill and just yesterday we found out that he has lung cancer and his heart is too weak for any kind of treatment. He is old and feels he's lived long enough. I am heartbroken. I just went and told MM about it, he just looked at me and I could feel his pain for me. I would love to find comfort in those arms, and hope that someday we will have time to really talk about it.

Thanks for your support

Tomcat
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 11:36am
I'm a firm believer in things happening when they do for a reason - some people might not agree that an A should happen at all, but . . .. . . such is life. MM's wife and I are also . . not exactly friends, but aquaintances . . through a business. That can feel really strange when we're all in the same room at the same time, but . . . .

I'm so sorry to hear about your father - my thoughts and prayers will be with him - and also with you. I hope you can get some comfort from your MM in this difficult time. It might not be appropriate to say, but to have him comfort you right now will help you a lot (been there, done that - not quite in the same situation, but the comfort was there). MM and I had that . . .attraction was there, but nothing was ever said, until, one day when we were alone and having a nice conversation about a vacation I was on in CT, he just asked a question and I never did get to answer it - he just leaned over and kissed me and the rest, my friend, is history :)) By the way, I'm older than MM too - 7 yrs - doesn't matter though. Talk to you soon - - -
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 2:09pm
W and I are not close but we do have mutual friends. Over the holidays she asked me to come to her house and decorate. I had a major issue over this but MM convinced me it would be an "out" for us. I could be there anytime and it would not be questioned. We used it to the fullest advantage!! We had a GREAT holiday. I felt kind of bad at times but it didn't last long. She was very hateful to him in front of me and I saw a side of her that he sees. She is a very demanding person and very spoiled. She has never known being broke, or what it is like for someone to tell her no. MM doesn't tell me a lot of what goes on or why he is feeling the need to do what he is doing. My opinion is he is a big boy and those decisions are his and not mine to worry about. I listen whenever he needs to talk about some of the stuff tho. Mostly we spend our time together talking about our childhoods and the things that are important to our lives now.

Thank you so much for the prayers for my father. He is 79, I was born late in his life, and lives a few houses from me, this makes it easy to spend quality time with him.

Have a great day,

TOmcat

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 1:59pm
We, too, take advantage of a situation when we're all in the same building - although there's a lot of doorways, so we've learned to sneak a kiss here and there. I still feel 'weired' being there when she is too, but we still have our 1 day.

That is how I feel too, he's a big boy and can make his own decision about this - there's no hurry here - after 2 years, we'll still learning each other.

Talk to you again and take care of your dad - it's the only one you've got!!!!