My fling is done

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
My fling is done
6
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:46pm
...So I posted on the "ending an affair support" and no one there seems to have anything to say...this is a much more supportive and interactive group and I feel so lost right now.

I again am reminding myself that most everyone here warned me before I began, but I was determined to have him...

It really was more of a fling than an affair. I met him several months ago, a hot, sexy young bartender (he's 29, I am 36, married almost ten years, two kids 7 and 4). Flirted all night, ended with a small kiss that knocked my socks off. Than my girlfriend told him I was married and he was not at all pleased. I ended up getting in touch with him through the club, and eventually a rather sexy game of text messaging truth or dare ensued. The games became too much to not act upon and he came to my house late one night while my husband was away and my children were asleep. It was the most amazing night ever, totally out of this world hot,"movie" sex. And just as intense the next morning (after I snuck the kids out of the house to school). I didn't hear from him for almost two weeks and then the texting games ensued again. I was bolder and more sexually direct than I have ever been -- somehow the seeming anonymity of text messaging (something I never even knew about before this) released me of all of my inhibitions. I snuck out of the house last Sunday (lieing to my husband to get out of the house and see him) for more. With no options of where to go, he has a long distance girlfriend and didn't want roommate to know, we resorted to the car. Those fold-down seats in minivans come in handy...

Anyway, his conscience can't take it anymore. Mine, however, seems non-existence. I feel no guilt whatsoever for what I have done. I got together with him last night to talk, and say good-bye because he can't handle the guilt he feels...loves his girlfriend, wants to marry her. He felt it never would have happened if she lived here, and same probably goes for me if H hadn't essentially been gone since mid-Feb. Just my luck, how many hot, sexy, 29 year old men actually have a conscience? I have to find the one...

Of course my actions have forced me to open my eyes to the state of my marriage, and how I was ever able to behave in such a manner. I did pledge my love and fidelity before god and the church -- but ignoring that pledge seemed to have no effect upon me. I realize now that I really am not very happy, and that is the thing that is causing me pain. I have become lost in the identity of wife and mother, and granted having a fling is not the best way to find oneself, but i think that is what I was doing. My husband is all about appearances. Everything always has to appear perfect, regardless of what is going on. I have begun to feel like a "prize" wife to him. We are a beautiful couple (often told we look like a movie-star couple), my looks, my weight, my behavior are critically important to him --- I am a reflection of him and he always wants that reflection to be perfect. He is the first to point out my flaws...the house isn't clean enough, I don't make the beds well enough or fold laundry properly, I look like i have gained a couple of pounds (I am 5 91/2, 130 lbs, size 4, pilates instructor with 13% body fat...couldn't get any thinner without looking ill!). Yes he also showers me with love and affection, especially in public where it seems like a display of ownership.

I don't know what to do know. I have opened my eyes to my dissatisfaction in my relationship. I would have been happy to continue to ignore it and continue to have fun in my fling, unfortunately (fortunately) he wasn't willing...

The key element of my husbands personality -- that need to keep everything perfect -- means that he would never admit that there were any flaws in our relationship and would never ever ever agree to counseling. To him, there would just be something else wrong with me, he would tell me that I was crazy, that I over-react, etc.

I am very sad to say good-bye to my young friend. And I am very sad when I admit to how truly unhappy I am in my marriage.

The thing that I keep thinking about now is just how much I enjoyed the exhiliration of the experience -- the buzz, the excitement. And I see myself seeking that out again. How? That could proove difficult, don't get out much. But I feel like once I get over the sadness over losing this OM that I might seek out another... I am bored, I want more of that exhiliration. How else can you find that same feeling, aside from bungee jumping...I'm afraid of heights and would never do that...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 11:06pm
I think this is a good wake up call, and that ending things was right to do.

Now, I encourage you to go to H and sit him down. You know him; find a good way to approach that won't put him completely on guard or make him suspicious and just begin -- somehow -- to express to him what you need. Don't make it one sided, ask him how you might provide him something he feels is missing.

Maybe he is unhappy too. Maybe a little conversation will go a long way. You really haven't fallen so far from grace yet. Take a stand, save your marriage if you can. It will take two of you to do it.

I know, it's hard; my W has a similar problem in that everything should appear perfect and counseling is for the weak. I've tried for a long time to get through to her before getting to where I am now and realizing my M is pretty well over. Sometimes you can't reach people.

You owe it to yourself and your M to be as honest with him as is smart (meaning don't tell about the fling.) Despite the colored opinions of this board, there are LOTS of people who work through things and end up with a healthier marriage. But it won't just happen.

Good luck

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 12:08am
Thanks Rain... I somehow new that you would come through with some wise words. You always seem to be so full of strong and sound advice.

There is a lot to my husbands "perfectionsm". It is more than just that, it is a deep-seeded cultural thing. He is Italian, from Italy. We actually met when he was fresh off the boat, here for three months, didn't speak any english. Clearly it was little more that passion that carried us through the first few years while he learned the language. His language skills are still not 100% and that passion is not really there anymore. The longer we have been together the more inherent those cultural differences become -- we just have so little in common. He knows so little about me -- he is so consumed with my image of perfect wife that who I am is inconsequential, he doesn't really care to know. I like to think I know him, but I have to admit he is as much a stranger to me as I am to him I am afraid. His work, his carreer are such a driving force that there isn't much left to "him". I am sure if he ever slowed down enough and stopped working as hard as he does (16-18 hour days) he might start to realize that he feels as empty as I.

I don't really believe that we can feel the void for each other. The children are all we really have in common, yet the children are a huge source of disagreement as well. Those cultural differences in what is okay and not come to play in a big way...

I am venting....

Dont really know what else to do at this point. I am looking forward to my weekend. He gets home in an hour or so, I leave at 6am for a two day Pilates convention. Workshops, ideas, and inspiration all day for two days and (best of all) a hotel room all to myself tomorrow night. I look forward to an evening alone, some room service, some red wine, maybe a bubble bath, and time to think and reflect and figure out what comes next.

Thanks again Rain for your insight. Much appreciated...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 7:35am
It really sucks being in that situation, I know. I have nothing in common with my W, except three wonderful children. I sometimes wonder how the hell I ended up with her. I tend to disagree with Mr Rain there. If lots of people wind up with healthier marriages after such endevoures, why is the divorce rate close to 50%? Your husband has some set ways that are going to be almost impossible to break. I went to counsling and all that and all I heard is "tough luck buddy, you're on your own." Things got so bad at home because all W does is criticize me and try to control me and she does it through the kids. I became aware of several women at work who were interested in me and it made me realize I had a lot more going for me than I may had thought. I started to become really attracted to a friend I made not long before; "OK, it's either Prozac and Jack Daniels or a girl friend." Gee that's a tough choice. I must say though it's not all fun and games and my A is still fairly new. You must be prepared for all of it. In your case you don't know if the Bartender is really for you. Afterall, you didn't spend a tremendous amount of time with him and he may be just like H. The next time around you may find someone who really clicks with you, that does a lot more than provides good sex. Then you find yourself wanting to be with that person 24/7 and can't. Let me tell you, that is not easy. It still is the best thing that happend to me in a long time, despite the ups and downs. You sound like an attractive woman. The opportunity will come again, you can almost bank on that. You just need to remind yourself quite a bit of it is out of your control.

I hope you can find some peace in all of this. You can have everything; health, money, career, etc, but when there's no love the rest of your life doesn't seem so hot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:09am
Well my weekend was amazing. Two days of intense mind/body work....I have such wonderfully sore muscles and feel a renewed mental clarity. I feel like I have come to terms with my fling for what it was... a fling. A tremendous eye-opening experience. It was a result of my discontentment with my marriage and not vice versa. He was just a game, a really hot, sexy fun game, but a game none the less. Yes, I admit I would prefer if I could continue with the game, but alas...he is not willing.

I had a couple of interesting moments during the weekend...I don't know if any of you out there practice mind/body type fitness (yoga, pilates, etc.) but it can really bring up stuff. I attended a workshop dealing with the pelvic floor (very important muscles to strengthen and isolate ladies!), and working pelvic floor can be quite emotional. Well, when the teacher suddenly brought us up a little higher and directed us to start breathing into our hearts I almost lost it. I struggled to keep it all in, I wasn't up for a complete break down in a room of 40 strangers.

Anyway. I felt so great when I got home. Positive physically, mentally. I sent my young friend a text message telling him that...that I had found a lot of clarity regarding what "us" was. Eye-opening, exilerating, pleasurable...and that was all. that I was feeling good with me, and him. That I hoped he felt the same and that I wished him only good in his future.

Than...I got home. Husband seeming to be desperately trying to destroy my positive energy. Negative completely, and then it got worse when a friend called and ended up stopping in and having dinner with us. I tried to talk to him, and tried to present in a reverse psycology manner (like Rain said), regarding my lack of satisfaction with the way our marriage is right now. He acted like I was crazy, like I knew he would. He blamed it on my spending time with my friends who are having trouble with their marriage, like I knew he would. And he denied that he feels any level of dissatisfaction, like I knew he would. He thinks everything is fine, just that I don't seem to want him to touch me and I act like a bitch when he tries.

Regardless I am still in a really good mood and feeling good physically and emotionally. I have clarity. Not sure what I will do with the clarity yet...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:55am
I have to jump in here and tell you that I also tried several months ago to tell my H that I was worried about our M. I told him that what little we had in common was slipping away and that once our kids had grown there would be nothing between us. He told me I was being silly, that everything was perfectly fine and that he was quite happy with our M. Well a few weeks ago he found out about my A (he doesn't know all the details in terms of the depths of emotions involved, but he does know it wasn't physical). We've had several long discussions since then in which he expressed his surprise that I wasn't happy. When I reminded him about how I talked to him about all this several months ago, he claimed to have no memory of our chat AT ALL. My point is that if your H is anything like mine, you CANNOT be subtle. If you want to have any chance of changing things it sounds like you are going to have to be really blunt. If he still doesn't listen, keep repeating yourself until he does - beat him over the head with it if you must. I know how hard this can be - obviously I was unable to take my own advice. I wish you all the best!

BTW - I have a friend who teaches pilates and who has been begging me to take classes. I think you've inspired me to start!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:10pm
Thanks for your input. We talked quite a bit last night. He really insists that he is completely happy and thinks everything is fine. His only complaint is that I haven't seemed to want to have much physical contact lately -- which I haven't wanted at all (from him). He went out of town again on business this morning and I told him to try to really think and look at things honestly while he is gone so we can try to talk more when he gets back.

I hope that you do take up pilates -- it is truly amazing what it can do for you, mind and body. A flat stomach after children is a realistic result!