My friend died last night...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
My friend died last night...
15
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 8:52pm
while I held his hand.

I went out riding my motorcycle with my H and a few friends. My friend John who has been riding since he was 6 came with us. He would stop at the beginning of every road and tell me exactly what to expect since I just got my license and am new to riding. He went slow so I wouldn't fall to far behind and would stop every so often and look back to check on me.

We went around again, down one really curvy road that was one of his favorites to ride. He got out a ways in front of me and when I came around the corner I saw another one of my friends jumping over his bike and yelling for some one to call 911. I looked over and saw John's bike lying on the side of the road in a drive way. And then I saw John. He was lying on his side next to a tree. He looked like he was sleeping. So peaceful.

My H is an EMT and I'm trained as a first responder so we both jumped into our mode and started taking vitals and assessing his injuries. He had a strong pluse and the only visible injury was a cut on his head. But both his helmet and his shoes and been knocked off by the force of the impact and were lying 3-4 feet from his body. My H and I checked his pupils and they were already fixed and dilated. (meaning he was already gone.)

Flight for Life was called in but he coded before they could get him on the chopper. They had to intabate him in the field and started doing chest compressions. This isn't like E.R. the tv show. This is real life. They kept doing CPR for an hour. Long enough to get him to the hospital and for his family to get there to say good bye.

My friend John died last night and there was nothing I could do to help him. All I could do was hold his hand and tell him I was there for him. But he was gone by the time I saw him lying by the tree so I don't know if he heard me.

H brought me no comfort last night or today. We were both there along with our friend Ryan. The three of us were asked to recount what happened over and over again for friends and family. Since we had left our bikes at the accident seen and gotten a ride to the hospital from a cop H came home with me. He slept on the couch and let me have the bed. I hardly slept at all. I just keep seeing John lying there by that tree ever time I close my eyes.

Last night and this morning H tried to pick fights with me about where things are between us. Once because I wasn't wearing my wedding ring while we were riding. I never do, I wear gloves and the ring doesn't fit under them. And then again this morning because he found one of the many photos of the two of us that we have in the apartment turned down. He took both as signs that I just want the divorce now and am no longer willing to go to counseling. I told him now was not the time to fight about us. That there were more important things happening then the fate of our marriage.

OM showed up at the hosptial, at a friends house after the hospital, and today at John's mom's house. I've been wanting to see him so bad for two weeks now, but I would go a life time of never seeing him again if it would bring John back.

I just keep thinking that it should have been me. I was the least experienced rider, I didn't know the roads, and I am the rotten human being who is having an affair. John was the guy everyone loved. The guy you bring home to meet your mother. The fun loving prankster who made everyone laugh just by being himself. Why, why is he dead while I'm sitting here babbling away to some chat board. There is nothing right or understandable about it. Nothing!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 9:01pm
Hi celtic,

There is not much I can say... and certainly nothing I can do... but know that my heart goes out to you and your friends family.

I just want to say... don't ever try and understand why something has to happen... and don't ever for a moment think that it should be you. We all have our flaws... no matter how good we seem and this EMA is just one of yours... as is mine. That doesn't make us any less special people than your friend John... it just comes out in different ways.

Explain to your H that you need to deal with John's death and then you can look at what your relationship may hold for you both.

Hang in there and stay strong... and don't cry for the loss of your friend... cry for everything he brought your life.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 9:13pm
Celtic,

I am so sorry about your friend. One goes through many emotions when faced with losing someone they care about. A sudden loss is often more difficult because you are faced with the reality of how very fragile life can be.

I am a paramedic, and have been for a long time. It has its definite rewards...and at times definite anguishes. But one thing is for sure...you have to remember you do what you can, you do what you know...but the ultimate fate lies in something much greater than us.

Feel good that you were there with him. That he wasn't alone. Feel good that God blessed him to have his friends nearby.. And I am a firm believer that they know you are there. They say the hearing is the last sense to leave. And I have always held firm to that.

Remember that song...only the good die young...by Billie Joel? Sometimes I think there is something to that.

About your H..sorry he is being such a poop. He is probably hurting too, but still no excuse to be that way.

Again, I am so sorry...

Nitro

PS...former poster...mostly a lurker now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 9:43pm
I'm so sorry Celtic, Times like these you're looking for anything from your H to show you that your marriage will work! And nothing, it sucks, and it will continue to.. maybe you need to make some big choices about your future! This is a great time, after the dust settles.

Again, I'm sorry for your lose, it's not your fault and theres nothing you could've done differently.! don't forget that!

hugsssss

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 11:50pm
Dear Celtic,

I have been following your posts for awhile. RIght or wrong,

on some level I feel I know something about you. I would never

think of you as a rotten person, least of all for having an affair.

Your loss touches me too. I feel the recognition of your name

and the connection to you that it brings, and some of the anguish

you now feel comes through too.

In many near death experiences I have read about, I have

heard people recount leaving their bodies and hovering somewhere

above as they watched people tending them. I would like to think

John was hovering over your shoulder as you held his hand and

talked to him. I would like to think he was only wondering why you

were making such a fuss out of all this, that he was really in a fine

place, unafraid and in no pain.

None of us can know this of course, but some day all of us will.

Perhaps John will be there to meet and guide you on your day. I

know several people I hope come to find me, and many I hope to

be able to come and find myself. It may be stupid, but it gives me

strength to think this is possible. I find great comfort in the

connections I have made with other people, and the love we shared.

Many are still here, some are departed but not forgotten. I can see

you drawing strength from John's memory, as you should, as he

would want for you to do.

There is a time for everything. Now, while you are still hurting, is not

a good time to make big life decisions or fight with H. Let your world

return to some stability first, then settle your other issues. You have

enough to work through for the time being. I am sorry H is not helping

you. There is a time for everything.

Love,

ditr

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 6:24am
Oh, Celtic... if there were anything at all that any of us could say or do to help you through this, I'd say it ten times over. You are a strong, wonderful person who was able to do more than most for her friend. Remember that. Your friend knows. Focus on healing, on taking care of yourself. The BS w/H will sort itself out. Tell him to back off and let you grieve. He may need to grieve as well and just isn't good at showing it. Be good to yourself, Celtic. You were just reminded of how fragile life is...

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 11:00am
Celt...

My prayers are with you and with your friends and John's family. Sometimes there is no way to reason the WHYs in life. All we can do when someone is taken from us here on Earth is to know there are greater things for him to do elsewhere. He gave you so much while he was here - his laughter, his friendship and above all how to be a safe rider. As you know, being a first responder, sometimes when WE are the safest we can be--it isn't safe enough.

Take care of yourself during this time, Celt, and relive those wonderful and cherished memories. Things that have helped me during these kinds of times have been to celebrate their LIFE not their death. Look through photos and share stories.. not the recounting of the event..but the story of John's life and how much richer yours is because of the friendship he unselfishly gave to YOU.

As for why are YOU still here... well...it has nothing to do with being a crummy person - as you say - but everything to do with lessons you have yet to learn in this life.

May you find peace in knowing how much John cared for you....

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 11:32am
hi celtic dreams biggest hugs to you so sorry about your friend. we are here for you sweetie let's us help anyway we can sweetie. hugs kimmmy
kimmy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 11:37am
I am so sorry. :( What a terrible tragedy. Please do take care of yourself and remember all the happy times with John. I'm sure he knew you were there for him.

{{{HUGS}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 11:51am
oh celtic, i'm soooo sorry about your friend! i went through the same thing 2 months ago with my best friend and her boyfriend. he was a long-time harley rider and lost control of his bike on a slick road right in front of my girlfriend (she was in her car - they were coming from different locations to a restaurant for dinner) when he lost control and slammed into a telephone pole. she called 911 and then me hysterical. i live 5 minutes from the scene. i got there just as he was being loaded into the helicopter. he was still conscious, but in serious pain and screaming for his girlfriend. after the police were finished, i drove her to the trauma hospital and he was being kept alive by machines. he had already coded twice in the hour he was at the hospital. had 5-6 brain seizures and declared brain-dead within 24 hours, but his mother wouldn't believe it and kept him hooked up for 10 more days!! it was awful, he was bloated and almost unrecognizable. finally let him go and then forbade his girlfriend into the funeral home or at the funeral. it was horrible and she's still having nightmares. but with time and prayer, and talking about him all the time, she is healing.

the shock is still there and the scene is so horrible you will have it in your mind for awhile. but please don't blame yourself or want to put yourself in John's place. he was a good rider who apparently made an error in judgment and went down. John would NOT want you to feel guilty or responsible. wouldn't he tell you to go on with life and enjoy yourself and your bike?

i'll keep you and John in my prayers. as for your H, he's in shock too. and not thinking clearly either. give the situation a few days to settle down and then bring up counseling and tell him you're still going to sessions. ask him to come with you. your M is important, but this situation is more pressing and causing lots of grief. if you want to save your M, just give it time and attention when you can during and after dealing with your grief.

hang in there,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 1:05pm
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers.

I'm a mess right now and I will be until the funeral. I need the closure, I need to be able to say good-bye.

On Monday a group of us got together at John's Mom's house and started making picture boards. It was really helpful to sit around trading stories and laughing about all the goofy things he use to do. His mom kept pointing out my H, Ryan and I out to visitors. She kept saying, those are the friends that were with him, he wasn't alone he had his friends. As hard as this is for me I can't imagine her pain and I'm glad that she is finding some comfort in the fact we were there with John.

At one point OM came over to stand by me, he gave me this look, I don't know how to discribe it, just such pain over the loss of his friend and yet such sympathy towards me. It kills me to see him hurting so much, to see all our friends in such pain. I wish I could make it all better for them, but I know that it just takes time.

I told my husband that right now I need to grieve for my friend. That I would deal with us once I am able to work through this, I can't handle both at once. He seems to understand, but I think he is hoping this will create a bond between us and bring us back together. I don't know if it will. Too many other things to deal with right now.

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