My friend died last night...
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| Mon, 09-01-2003 - 8:52pm |
I went out riding my motorcycle with my H and a few friends. My friend John who has been riding since he was 6 came with us. He would stop at the beginning of every road and tell me exactly what to expect since I just got my license and am new to riding. He went slow so I wouldn't fall to far behind and would stop every so often and look back to check on me.
We went around again, down one really curvy road that was one of his favorites to ride. He got out a ways in front of me and when I came around the corner I saw another one of my friends jumping over his bike and yelling for some one to call 911. I looked over and saw John's bike lying on the side of the road in a drive way. And then I saw John. He was lying on his side next to a tree. He looked like he was sleeping. So peaceful.
My H is an EMT and I'm trained as a first responder so we both jumped into our mode and started taking vitals and assessing his injuries. He had a strong pluse and the only visible injury was a cut on his head. But both his helmet and his shoes and been knocked off by the force of the impact and were lying 3-4 feet from his body. My H and I checked his pupils and they were already fixed and dilated. (meaning he was already gone.)
Flight for Life was called in but he coded before they could get him on the chopper. They had to intabate him in the field and started doing chest compressions. This isn't like E.R. the tv show. This is real life. They kept doing CPR for an hour. Long enough to get him to the hospital and for his family to get there to say good bye.
My friend John died last night and there was nothing I could do to help him. All I could do was hold his hand and tell him I was there for him. But he was gone by the time I saw him lying by the tree so I don't know if he heard me.
H brought me no comfort last night or today. We were both there along with our friend Ryan. The three of us were asked to recount what happened over and over again for friends and family. Since we had left our bikes at the accident seen and gotten a ride to the hospital from a cop H came home with me. He slept on the couch and let me have the bed. I hardly slept at all. I just keep seeing John lying there by that tree ever time I close my eyes.
Last night and this morning H tried to pick fights with me about where things are between us. Once because I wasn't wearing my wedding ring while we were riding. I never do, I wear gloves and the ring doesn't fit under them. And then again this morning because he found one of the many photos of the two of us that we have in the apartment turned down. He took both as signs that I just want the divorce now and am no longer willing to go to counseling. I told him now was not the time to fight about us. That there were more important things happening then the fate of our marriage.
OM showed up at the hosptial, at a friends house after the hospital, and today at John's mom's house. I've been wanting to see him so bad for two weeks now, but I would go a life time of never seeing him again if it would bring John back.
I just keep thinking that it should have been me. I was the least experienced rider, I didn't know the roads, and I am the rotten human being who is having an affair. John was the guy everyone loved. The guy you bring home to meet your mother. The fun loving prankster who made everyone laugh just by being himself. Why, why is he dead while I'm sitting here babbling away to some chat board. There is nothing right or understandable about it. Nothing!

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Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm so sorry... I know words aren't enough right now. I'm glad you came to the board to post when you needed to talk about it.
I wonder how many lurkers read your post today that were depressed. I should imagine after reading your words, some realised the pain they are going through doesn't compare to what you've just experienced, and maybe it gave them that edge they needed. That is one reason you are still sitting here, reading and posting...one never realises how many lives they touch. And tomorrow, or next week or next month you will help save a life!
I'm glad you have the support of family and friends since H doesn't know how to show it right now. Hang in there, Celtic, you have plenty of time to sort things out in your own time.
Prayers to John's family and friends, and you.
Hugs,
Meow
It is so very hard to lose someone you care about so tragically, and sometimes it may seem so senseless. Just hold on tight, we are all here for you, and you have friends that are there for you. My heart goes out to you and I am praying for you, your friends and his mom.
Hugs,
itty
I'm so sorry, I wish I could make your hurting stop. I'm sure John knew you were there with him. He'd want you to know its not your fault, and you certainly should'nt have been the one this happened to. It was an accident, you don't have control over many things, and this was a sad, & terrible accident. I'm keeping you in my prayers and sending you {{{{{hugs}}}}}.
aka
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