My heart is aching

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
My heart is aching
7
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 12:50pm

Hi all - new here....


Long story short (and I'm sure pretty common!)... Been married 15 years to a GREAT guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 1:53pm
Stop! Don't do it. I noticed that you didn't mention what either of you have done to work on your what's wrong in your marriage. I am the wife of a man who explained his reasons for cheating as very similar to yours. I know that what you feel with the other person may be too hard to resist, but please take a long hard look at what you're about to do. In a matter of seconds you will go from being the person your husband trusts the most to the person he trusts the least. I wish my husband could tell you what it feels like when that happens. To have to look into your husbands face as he is blindsided by the news that you have chosen someone else without giving him the respect and consideration of just talking it out before you cross the line. Remember you can't take it back. My husband has cried on many occasions wishing he could just go back and change everything. He discovered during his affair that it wasn't me that made him happy or unhappy, just like it wasn't the other woman. It was all Him. He learned that if he made the effort to pay attention to me the way he paid attention to her that he got a loving response. It wasn't that he wasn't getting enough, it was that he wasn't giving enough. I know you probably feel as he did that he had made tremendous attempts to make me more loving and attentive, with little or no results,but years of neglect can't be undone by a nice dinner or in my husband's case, expensive jewelry. Looking back now he realized he didn't really try at all. He looks back and is embarrassed by what he thought were these huge gestures. He crawled into this selfish little hole and hid out there for almost 3 years. When he finally decided I was who and what he wanted he couldn't find a way out. She made subtle threats and so he continued to see her just enough to keep her quiet. He was so stressed out that he was having nosebleeds and night sweats so he finally just told her he had to end it. Well she wasn't going to have that and about 3 weeks later the you-no-what hit the fan. Anonymous note, texts, voicemail and finally a phone call to my home. I can tell you now that I could have lived a long and full life without ever knowing my husbands horrible secret. After all, I had the husband and friend I always wanted. I had fallen in love with him all over again and really didn't question why. Knowing ruined that feeling. If you think you won't get caught, think again. It always seems to happen. If you can imagine the look on your husbands face when he finds out and you can convince yourself it won't matter then go for it. My husband had to face me and confess and watch all the love and desire I had for him just drain from my face. He tells me he could hear my heart breaking as he confessed. He is devastated that he hurt me so badly. That he had the power to keep me safe and secure and he didn't. Do yourself and your husband a favor. Read some books. Dr. W. Harley has some really good books on love and marriage. 'His Needs, Her Needs' is very good. Also, 'Fall in Love, Stay in Love' You can get your husband to change, but you will have to change first. There are so many things that you can do without your husband even realizing it that will make such a huge difference. My husband did to me. He made me and my needs his priority and he got everything he wanted. Granted he lost a lot of it when I found out, but we are still together 18 months after I found out. It has been so hard but we keep working at it. He has refused to give up even when I've been ready to quit. He says he lost me once because of his selfishness and stupidity, he won't let me make the same mistake. I'm not sure there isn't an insult in there somewhere, but I know what he means. Our marriage ended the day he told me the first lie to be with the other woman. 20 years gone in an instant. We now have a marriage that is stronger and closer than anything we had before because we have been forced to talk about everything. I refuse to say it is a better marriage than before because it is a completely new marriage built on new understanding and commitment. As you can see by the length of the post, I still have a lot of healing to do.Learn from other's mistakes. If you haven't tried everything to make your marriage what it can be then no one but you will be to blame. And don't have an affair. End the marriage before you pursue another relationship. The disrespect, humiliation, and rejection your husband will feel if you cheat will really take away any pleasure you may find.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:33pm
Thanks for your response. I'm not out to offend anyone. I have been in a loveless marriage for many years now. I have gone to marriage counseling on my own bc DH has no desire to go. He doesn't see a problem no matter how much we talk about it. I've told him many times I'm not happy but he doesn't make any effort to work on things. I don't want him to change. I want him to be himself and be happy. I don't think either one of us will be completely happy with each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:42pm

initforever , what you wrote is so true but I think a lot of people wouldn't bother to think that much if they want to cheat .

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:56pm

so you dont want your H to change , but you would rather change your H ? right ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 3:05pm
I don't necessarily want to change h's... I'm just not meant to be with the one I've got anymore. We've completely grown apart but divorce isn't feasible right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 3:55pm

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 4:00pm

great post purplerayne007 , completely agree.