My heart is breaking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
My heart is breaking
5
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:53pm
This message board has helped me for the past year and I am thankful for it. I read the posts mostly but do add my opinion at times or post when I need advice. I read most of everyone's posts and it's nice that some of you have gotten to know each other. I still feel like an outsider but realize that I am not a regular so I feel like I have to share my situation over and over again:-) It's hard to have anyone around me to be understanding so I thank you all for your support and understanding.

I have been married 5 years, no kids and am having an affair with a MM (one young child). It's long distance but we are connected through a business relationship so we do have an excuse to see each other a few times a year. We talk all the time through e-mail or phone. My heart is breaking right now because he came into town for a meeting yesterday and he left today. I am TRYING so much to get used to saying goodbye to him but it is so hard. We were in a business meeting today and I was trying so hard to hold back the tears just looking at the clock knowing that he was leaving and he won't be able to come back here until mid-June. We are in-love with each other but understand that we can't be together right now...if ever. He loves his son (15 month old) and can't imagine leaving him right now. I can respect this but it also gives me a chance to keep my situation "looking good" at home and keep me from hurting my H, who is my best friend (but am not in love with).

I guess I just wanted to post today because I am miserable sitting here wanting to turn back the clock and be with him again. THIS-IS-SO-HARD! The high's (being with him) are the best I've ever experienced but the goodbye's are so sad. I just wish he was here...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:28pm
I bet that would be hard, I am one of the lucky ones who gets to see my OM on a regular basis. We work together and while it's not alone time it's seeing him nonetheless and it really helps me get through. (((HUGS)))

Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:17pm


Hi Torngal:

I too am in a long distance EMA - 1 yr LDEMA-total close to 3yrs EMA. I am M with no kids; 14 yrs and MM M for 16 yrs 2 kids under 11 yrs old. We saw each other twice this past year and I know the tearing apart feeling of saying goodbye. At least you have business reasons to travel as I do not. i am trying to think of excuse to see him soon...he is begging and I am aching!! MM says he'll leave his w when her business is up and running as it is doing better each time we speak. He is very concerned about his youngest who is 7 now. I plan to D by July or so as my heart is not in my marriage anymore. Hang in there..that's all we can do. ~Cheetah~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:19am
I am new to this message board and I also have receive little response to my messages. I don't know which situation is worse, yours or mine. My OM is married for 17 years. I have been married 15 years. My spouse is my best friend but I don't think I am in love with him. I see my OM everyday since we work together. He loves me and I love him but he doesn't want to lose his family. He also has religious conviction about divorce. The problem I have is that when we are together everything is perfect. After we're apart he comes up with 'we should quit because it's not right and we will have to quit sometime' So far we have had a "last time" twice. I imagine that it is terrible not getting to see your man very often but at least you know when you will see him again. I make myself sick every weekend thinking that Monday he will say it's over. He always says that it's not that he wants to quit he just feels it's the right thing to do. I don't pressure him to leave his family because I understand the trouble it will cause due to the kids. I have two kids also. I just want to be with him whenever we can. He is on call one week out of the month and I have offered to only see him once a month. I backed off this week so he could have time to think and for once he called me. He said he wanted to kiss me. I couldn't meet him that afternoon. The next day after work I called him and asked for a kiss. We met. He kissed me so passionately I just had to have him. We didn't intend to have sex but we kissed and clothes started coming off. It was the best. He even told me he loved me which he refrains from doing because he thinks it makes things harder if we express our love. Yesterday I called him to tell him how much I enjoyed our time together. He said he enjoyed it too and do I think that we should end it on a good note. See, I mean where did that come from? So far I have kept him coming back for more but I can't hold him forever. My heart is breaking. I hope you will respond to this message. We could be buddies. What do you think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:43pm
Thank you all for your responses! Some of us have the same struggles but some are lucky to see our MM everyday and some just have that rare occassion. I'm trying to numb myself right now but am still hurting. He did call me three times today so he was able to make me smile:-). I suppose he misses me too! It's extra hard right now too because we typically don't/can't communicate over the weekend.

It's a tough struggle to live my everyday life knowing that my heart belongs to someone else and I can't be with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 10:51am
Ill...

That's a tough situation to be in. You're right...it's hard to see someone everyday and not know what's going on especially when he's pretty hot and cold and you never know when he is going to come up to you and tell you it's over for good. I truly can't imagine having someone I care about treat me that way. These A's are supposed to be some sort of escape but when all the person does is cause confusion and heartache, it makes you wonder if it's even worth it, doesn't it? I know that it would certainly be something that I would not tolerate...but that's me.

There are a number of people on this board that have often written that they have found a comfort level in both their relationships (with their H and MM). I think it's great that people have come to that point because I still have those urges to have a life someday with my MM but am torn about hurting my husband and my MM is not ready to leave his young son. I think that you and your MM need to come to that level in which you admit/accept that you will never leave your families but also find a comfort level in having one another in your lives.