My heart is breaking - need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
My heart is breaking - need support
8
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 9:07am
Hello ladies! I am not sure if anyone will remember me, but I was here around the new year for some support with a potential A situation. Well, fast forward 2 months, and here I am again. To sum up my situation, I have been married for 2 years, and began an emotional A with a very close male friend/co-worker. The OM is engaged to be married in July '05.

We are both teachers in the same district, but not at the same school. We have been close friends for about 6 months since we met. One night after an outing to the bar, we kissed. We both swore it wouldn't happen again, of course, it did. We talk on the phone every day, send e-mails and text messages. Altogether, I would say that we have been physically intimate about 10 times in the past 2 months, each time it gets more and more intense. Each time OM says that it can't happen again, we have to stop, etc. Last night, we were especially intense, both physically and emotionally. Afterwards, OM said that it absolutely can't happen again. He noted date and time and said that "from now on, we can only be friends". I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. He said that he feels really connected to me, that we are so much alike, practically best friends, etc. but that it can't go anywhere because we both have seperate lives. I started to cry. We held each other for a long time, and he told me how much he wants me to be in his life forever, that he needs my friendship, etc. He said that every time we are physical it gets harder and harder not to stop, and that he is getting "addicted" to me, and he has to stop it now before it gets "worse" and "more complicated". He said that he's afraid one of us will get hurt and ruin the friendship.

I went home and my H was already in bed. I got in the shower and cried silently for a while. I felt like my heart would break. This morning, I got an e-mail from OM. His family experienced a tragedy earlier in the week, and we spent a lot of time talking about it. In the e-mail, he thanked me for being there for him this week, re-iterated that he never wants to lose my friendship, etc. He also said "I want you to be in my life for the rest of my life". It broke my heart to read those words...

I am so confused and hurt, I don't know what to do. I feel like I am addicted to him, physically and emotionally. Part of me thinks that he means it this time that the physical aspect has to stop, and part of me thinks that we'll be right back where we were before. Please, anyone who has been in this type of situation, what should I do? He is supposed to call me tomorrow, and we e-mail constantly. I don't know how to react. I truly love him (god, I've never admitted that before) and don't want to lose the friendship, but I can't just turn off my feelings like that. Any advice, support, you can give me would be greatly appreciated. Now I know why you call it a rollercoaster

Thanks girls!

-Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 11:12am
Hello Circe.. welcome back. When he says he doesn't 'want anyone to get hurt'.. I think he means he doesn't want Him to get hurt. It's apparent someone has already been hurt, and that's you. And I think you've shown that to him -- yet he's encouraging you to continue the relationship even though he knows it causes you pain. Hmmmm... I have to ask myself how much he really cares if he is willing to do that. Honey -- I've been in your situation (in fact may still be), so I'm not passing judgement. I'm just saying that this should be making you happy. It's EXTRA. Anything that makes you feel miserable more than it makes you be happy should be excused from the heart. Life is really short, and there is enough pain in it without our adding more to the mix. Long term - if you say goodbye, you will be broken hearted for awhile, will mourn the loss, then perhaps find someone (maybe even H?) to love again. If you continue in a relationship where you are giving more than you're getting, it will eventually drive you insane and damage your self worth. Is it worth it? What ever you decide, we're here to support you. Let us know how it goes. Hugs to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 8:50am
Girl, I totally feel your pain. When OM and started we were friends only, and it eventually progressed into way more than friends. Well before we went "all the way" with the A, my OM told me he couldn't see me anymore. That he wanted to be friends, but anymore than that was impossible. It was very hard. But you have to respect his wishes. Keep your emails light. Because sounds like he's got some things to work through. Eventually my OM couldn't take being away from me and called and begged me to see him again.

Girl as much as it hurts, you need to let him come to you. If he never does again, you can move on, but if he does your relationship will grow to another level.

Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 12:53pm

hi circe and welcome back honey!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 6:56am
Hi Saturday, badkitty, and gurl!!! Thank you so much for replying!

A lot of what you all said made a lot of sense. I have never been in this situation before, and I never expected that I would be. I am confused as to why this hurts so much. We started out as friends, which is the worst part of all of this. Our friendship was/is very important to me. I am afraid now that I ruined it with all of this.

I don't even know why he would want to stay friends with me after all of this. Why do the OM do this? What is going on in their minds? I wish I knew...

Over the past few days since I posted, I have had contact with OM through e-mail and phone. He had a tragedy in his family last week, and has been going through a lot with that, so I have been trying to be a supportive "friend" to him. He has thanked me, and told me that my support and "friendship" means a lot to him. It is just so hard. I just want to hold him and hug him and tell him that it's going to be OK.

Now, I am torn as to what to do. I want to be his friend, but I know that doing so will be hard for me. I don't know what to do. At this point, I am trying not to be the one to call/e-mail him. I am letting him initiate the contact. I don't know if that's better or worse for me, but at this point, I feel it's the best I can do.

My worst fear is that he will eventually want to see me in person in the "friend" capacity, and I am not sure if I am ready for that yet...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 4:54pm
Just an update- did not call/e-mail/text message OM yesterday or today, but lo and behold, I got several e-mails and a voice mail message today. I replied to the e-mails, but kept it light. Haven't returned the call yet...still mulling that one over. I am having dinner with a girlfriend and may call him afterwards, depending on how much Merlot I have :) lol

I am just so confused. His e-mails were the usual, checking to see how my day is going, letting me know what's going on at his building (we teach in the same district). When he asked me what I was doing tonight and I told him having dinner with a friend, he asked who, and where. Also said that we need to go out for drinks soon, since we're both pulling our hair out at work. I just don't know what to make of this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 03-02-2004 - 10:36pm
Honey -- I'm sorry, but this is starting to sound like a little game playing. Maybe he doesn't even realize it. Maybe if you say "yeah --let's get together with some of our other friends and go out for a drink".... he will get the picture and open up. If not, you're going to either have to lay it out to him or back off. Just don't let him make you crazy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 7:37am
Thanks saturday...I am afraid of the same thing. I didn't say yes or no to going out, I kind of just ignored it. He e-mailed me again last night when I was out asking me to call him when I got in. I e-mailed him back, but didn't call. He wrote back and said that he'd call my cell phone after school today to see what I was up to. I haven't decided what to do if he calls.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 11:09am

hi circe -- i'm sticking to my original advice.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board