my heart is pounding out of my chest....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
my heart is pounding out of my chest....
2
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 8:54am
I wasn't too sure where to turn with this, and I was hoping to get some support from people who I thought would know how I feel and what I am going through.

I know that I deserve critism for my actions, but I still need to get this out as I have no one else to talk to. I am with a wonderful guy. We've been together for over a year. We have had our ups and downs, but things are great now. The night before last, I called up my ex - we have been apart for over 2 years - and said let's grab a drink, catch up. I was very stressed from work, and no one else was around. My b/f was about an hour and a half away in his hometown.

Anyways, to make a long story short, my ex took it as a "let's try again" sign. It wasn't. I do NOT love my ex at all, there are no feelings there whatsoever. We talked, and he confessed that he still loved me. We did reminisce, which is probably what did it for him, but I never once said that I loved him still, or told him I had any feelings for him. Needless to say, when I spoke to him the next day, he was shattered when I told him that there would be no "us".

Now, the guilt is eating me up - not only because I hurt my ex, again. But because my b/f has no idea that I went out with him the other night. My ex did try to kiss me, but I said no and pushed him away. I said I couldn't do that to my b/f, whom I love very much. I haven't told my b/f about this, and I am not sure if I should. I wasn't myself that night, I got totally drunk, which is no excuse. I can barely look in the mirror. What have I done?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 10:29am
Sure you feel guilty but try looking at it from a different angle. Now you really know how much you love your bf. I think that we've all been through things like what you experienced. There's always those "what ifs" and sometimes it's nice to spend some time with those that you once shared love and life with. By doing what you did, you proved to yourself that you are happy where you are and that you aren't missing anything from your past relationship. Take this as a learning experience and use it to strengthen your feelings for your current bf. I wouldn't feel so guilty about it. you did nothing wrong. Spending time with an old friend (even if it was a bf) shouldn't cause you to get so worked up. You didn't cheat on your bf. So try to calm down, and realize that you're ok.

"Blue"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 11:03am
Thank you so much for your response. I see now more than ever just how special my man is to me. I'm feeling a bit better, and I am really looking forward to seeing my sweet tonight.

Thank you for helping me feel a bit better about a totally messed up situation.

Take Care!

:)