My horrible Easter experience
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My horrible Easter experience
| Mon, 04-12-2004 - 4:48pm |
I know everyone was anxiously awaiting a good, happy Easter story from me since I was meeting his family for the first time. Wish I had one. It was awful. His ex came to church also and sat in between his mom and his sister. She and his sister wrote notes back and forth (obviously about me) the entire time. His family did not ONCE aknowledge that I was there. I was completely invisible. It was the worst feeling in the entire world. I would have been treated better in jail. Not once did they say hello, how are you, Happy Easter, anything. When the pastor asked everyone to greet their neighbor (I was on the other side of his mom) she greeted everyone but me. I was the OW and that is all I was to them. His sister did not aknowledge me. It was the most humiliating experience. When we got in my car to leave I wanted to cry. It was horrible. Plus, I am super sensitive on Easter because it was the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death. She died Easter morning when I was 21. I have never been treated that way and will never subject myself to that again. For them to call themselves Christians and then treat me the way the did was apalling. Hypocrites. Not only did they ignore me but they ignored MM (stbSM) also. His sister did not even say hello to him. I felt awful the entire time. His ex joked and laughed with them and they doted on her. It was disgusting. Don't they realize she is the crazy one that lied about the paternity of their neice/grandchild? What is wrong with these people?! Needless to say my b/f was very upset about the whole incident. We talked about it later and I harshly vented. I wasn't trying to take it out on him because I know he was as crushed as I was. Later on they had Easter dinner. He told his mom that if his ex was going that he wasn't. His mom said oh well. The ex went and he did not. He said if they wanted to choose her over him he wasn't going to speak to them anymore. At that point, although I find myself falling deeply in love with him, I almost broke it off with him. I told him that I refused to be the cause of any family drama and that I would NOT be the reason for him to stop speaking to his family. He said I was not the cause that they and his ex were. He said I was all he had and if I left he still wasn't going to speak to them and he'd have no one. He told me he loved me and didn't want to lose me. The problem I have with this is that my stepdad's family never accepted my mother and I remember the pain she endured. They also never accepted us. I don't want to go through that and I certainly won't allow someone to do that to my children. I feel so torn. I love him and want to be with him but on the other hand I can't deal with the way his family snubbed me and would hate to be considered the reason he stops talking to them. They already think I am some homewrecker/slut/stripper that ruined his M which SO isn't the case. If they only took the time to realilze that I am a young, single mother with financial responsiblity way beyond what it should be they would understand me better. I am not a bad person. I have true feelings for their son/brother and am not the "whore" that they think I am. Are these people looney? The child isn't even his! God, between the emotional "break down" I have every Easter week due to losing my mom and his family, I don't know how I will make it through the week. =(

((((((((KAREN))))))))))
Try to remember that not getting to know you is their loss. Hopefully, as MMs marriage is settled, things will calm down and they'll get more rational.
I was my H's OW 16 years ago (ironic, huh!). His family was the same way - he actually just kept me away from them. His mother was horrible - she intercepted phone calls he made to his dad and told his dad that he never called; she wrote him long letters and told him that she'd never forgive him if he didn't go back to W - never mind that neither one of them were happy! As she was dying of lung cancer, she told him that if he hadn't left his marriage, she wouldn't have gotten sick! She was a piece of work. Of course, his dad, brother and sister didn't acknowledge my existence until 6 months before our wedding when his mom died (he was officially and legally divorced for two years before we got engaged).
Now, weird as it sounds, we all have holidays together - including my H's ex and her mother!
Time can be an amazing thing. If his family doesn't come around - take heart - that's less people to keep track of and worry about for the holidays!! LOL
Keep your chin up!
I was also my H's OW, mmmmm, 20 years or so ago. It was a long hard road, but eventually people got over the "gossip" and accepted me for who I am.
What we have to remember, is that these types of situations are difficult for everyone involved. I don't know how long they were together or married, but his family has developed what I assume is a close relationship with his STBXW. They feel a certain loyalty to her, even though their loyalties should lie with their son/brother. They probably look at her a sister/daughter. And that is a hard tie to break. As a matter of fact, it may never be broken.
However, at time goes on, and she realizes that no matter how much she intrudes on his family time, that her husband plans on remaining with you, she will lesses her time with them. In fact, it will soon be too painful for her to subject herself to those situations. That in turn, will give them the individual time with you that they need to get to know you as a person.
Be patient. There is a "cooling off" period that must be crossed before any relationships you may have in the future with his family can occur.
This advice comes from my own personal experience only.
Take care
Red
Oh, and this is totally off of the subject but yesterday after the horrible Easter church mess I bought roses to bring to my mom's grave. Although he never knew her he went to the graveyard with me (which really meant a lot) and he stayed in the car and told me to take as much time as I needed. I really gained a lot of respect for him at that moment. He went with me which was nice because I didn't want to go alone but he didn't intrude on something personal and he understood that I may need a minute alone. Friday night he experienced an "emotional break down" that I have every April right around Easter. I had thought he was sleeping and I went in the bathroom and called my sister. He and I had been out playing pool and the table next to us had a mom/daughter playing together. I held back tears all night but eventually left out of bitterness and jealousy. I bawled to my sister as I told her about the mom/daughter at the pool hall and it turns out he was awake and standing outside the bathroom door. He let me cry on his shoulder for a good 15 minutes and then cry myself to sleep as I told him (for the first time) the entire process of my mom dying and held me until I fell asleep.
He really is a keeper, I just hope his family eventually comes around and realizes that I am a good person, loving mom, and genuine. Maybe someday......