My horrid EMA
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| Fri, 12-05-2003 - 10:27am |
Anyway, this time I was more proactive than before. When he started pulling away, I pulled WAY back. I stopped calling him, made myself busy when it was time to see him, etc. My feelings started getting numb again, but still I have this addiction to him. I WANT to be around him. This week I've thought seriously about ending it. We used to have a mutual relationship where I'd go by his office and see him and he'd come to see me, but lately he's been conveniently "busy" every day when it's time to come see me, but he hasn't been too busy for me to see him. I am seriously starting to feel like he's just interested in having me chase him... Like he will feel less guilty if I do all the work. So my inclination is to stop going to see him or calling him and see how long it takes but I tried that earlier this week and he called me and asked me to come see him... All week...for the past TWO weeks, actually...I've been avoiding being in any way flirtatious and it's not characteristic of me. I haven't complimented him once; I haven't given him any meaningful glances, nothing. No teasing, NOTHING. Just small talk. Then yesterday morning I was mid-sentence and he told me I was pretty. It's been a while since he's done that, but it's something he used to do all the time. I thanked him and continued, still no flirting. But yesterday the end of day came and he still hadn't stopped by to see me and it just got on my nerves. EVERY DAY he used to do it and now it's stopped, cold. He says he's too busy but how can he just happen to be busy every day when he wasn't before? Because before he made it a point to NOT be busy at that time. So I left him a teasing message that I'm onto him and that I'm going to get down to the bottom of why he's scared of my office even if it means I have to torture him. It was a lighthearted message but after I left it I worried he'd take it seriously. Today I showed up at work not sure how to act. I tried to call him to say I was just joking with the message, but he wasn't there. Then this morning we were in a group of people but couldn't talk and over the heads of everyone, he met my gaze and held it. We have this meeting every morning and normally he ignores me (others were talking about us a while back) but this morning every time I looked over he was giving me an intense stare. I gave him a puzzled look in return and he looked away but I'd look back and he would be doing it again. What does that mean? Should I mention it? I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of playing games, but when I ask myself "What do you WANT to do?" the answer is of course that I want to flirt and have fun and not hold myself back anymore. But I'm scared if I do, I'm going to get hurt. Sorry to ramble so long. It feels better just to type all this out, but any advice or just sympathy would be very welcome!

SO..... what do YOU want from MM? if you want to "just be friends", then act like it and be nice but not playful and flirtatious at work.
but if you want more, just say so to MM and try to work out the logistics to "meet." right now you think it would be a huge project just to get together, but it's really not. tell your H (and MM can do the same) that you're going holiday shopping for a few hours and meet up somewhere outside your normal area. talk about what you want and see how MM responds. it can be done.
good luck,
gurl
and i agree that it's very scary to find yourself in a situation where you just feel totally out of control about someone AND unable to act on your desires. your MM is holding back because that's what men do and he rightly feels like if he makes even the tiniest physical move toward you, all would be lost, and you and he would not be able to keep the A secret. and from your post, you probably wouldn't be able to. you're both too scared of the consequences. so you don't act on the physical part, except those few stolen kisses. your situation is NOT unusual or complicated to me because i've been there, done that. but it is for you, because you're in the middle of it and unsure what to do. the intensity is great for your ego and his too, but the uncertainly can be a killer!
and this stalemate you find yourselves in will be the way it is be for both of you until one or both of you decide to take your desires to the next level. most people in EMA/As do not go into them with ease and certainty. and that's true of any relationship -- one never "knows" if the attraction/desire for another will be reciprocated or rejected.
the only advice i can give you is to try to put a bit of distance between the two of you, emotionally, if not physically, and think about where YOU believe this R can go. keep your contact with MM on a friendly, not flirty, level. and throw all your energies into your M and the holidays for distraction and hopefully as time goes by, you will feel less and less anguished. i hope so for your sake.
good luck and hang in there,
gurl