My husband found out.....& OM is in love

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
My husband found out.....& OM is in love
1
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 1:07am
Hi everyone. It has been a long time since I've posted but I'm back. I met my other man almost a yr ago & our affair heated up rather quickly. My h & I had been having some very serious problems for the past 2 yrs. Things continued to get really bad & we seperated for 3 months in June. My om felt so guilty that he stopped talking to me but wouldn't tell me why. My h & I were back together in September. It was tearing me apart how much my kids missed him. I had no contact w/ other man. I had resolved to get over him & work on my marriage. In Nov. I found out my h had been lying to me again which has been the source of all our problems....I just don't trust him anymore. Well I had remained buddies w/ om's room mate, they are both in the mil. & rm had just returned home from Kuwait. He called me & said that om wanted to talk to me so I went. OM lives out of state so there was never any fear of "bumping" into him at the store or anything. When I got there he hugged me & told me to sit down. He then knelt on the floor & took my hands in his looked into my eyes & spilled his guts. He told me he had been falling for me & hoped that by dropping all contact w/ me that those feelings would go away. He also said he felt guilty about h & I seperating . He said he was a jerk & called himself every other name in the book. He said he knew he hurt me & would do anything to make it up to me. I was so shocked ..I never expected this. He had told me he loved me before but now I had the man groveling & begging at my feet. He was leaving to go to the Middle East for 4-6 months & said he had to tell me how he felt. I said goodbye to him at the airport & he told me when he got back he would prove to me how he feels. Well it was maybe 3 days later that my h confronted me...I was denying everything & then he said did you sleep w/ him? I don't know why I told him but he started to cry (i've only seen him cry 2 times in the 12 yrs. I've known him)The first week was horrible he would get drunk demand details & called me a "dirty whore" . Now he says he realizes that he deserved this for lying to me so much & always pushing me away. He told me to make a decision about what I want. I was leaning towards ending my m long before I met om but I'm so scared. Om has no idea that h knows & I don't think it is fair to tell him right now. He has contacted me via email but I haven't been able to talk to him. I really believe that he loves me but could it ever work out? He is younger than me by like 7 1/2 yrs. The only time that matters is when other people have commented. My kids have always liked him so there are no worries there. He told his rm before he left that he knows he could make me happier than my h. I just wish I had some answers. I know that om does make me happy & that I am definetly in love w/ him. He hasn't even been gone a month yet & I am going out of my mind I miss him so much. Meanwhile my h is NOW trying to do all of the things he should have been doing before. He still loves me & wants to make it work. I am reluctant to go through any more lies & the consequences of them(we almost lost our home -twice). I know this is extremely long but any advice would be so appreciated....
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 2:39am
Hi,

I've been there with my X finding out, although I ratted on myself. Guilty conscious and all. Regretted telling him, because all it did was cause pain. Anyhow I regret even more that I believed him when he said we could work it out. See my X emotionally abused me. When I left him after the A started, he started to go to see a therapist. It really seemed to help his temper and such. So eventually I broke it off with MM, he was a drunk and I found that no matter what happened with my X, the MM wasn't right for me either. Anyhow, he (my X) started asking me all these really personal questions about what happened and when I'd cave under his constant battering of questions he'd get pissed and start calling me names and we'd end up in a huge fight. We even ended up getting M, huge mistake. I thought that with time we'd be ok, that he'd get past it. But I was dead wrong, plus I could slowly see his old temper creeping back and that was scary. I felt like I was living in hell. My point? Sorry....I just want you to really step back and examine you H and how much if at all you want things to work out. Because it also depends on what kind of person he is. Even if he stopped the lying that was causing your problems in the first place, is he the type that isn't going to throw this A in your face every chance he gets? I think that is a huge issue. You can't spend the rest of your life paying for past mistakes, if you even think it's a mistake. I know that if someone I loved cheated on me, no matter how much I wanted to be with them, I couldn't. Because I could never ever get past what happened and I could never forgive it. So I wouldn't tell them we could work it out no matter how badly I wanted to still be with that person. I don't know, only you can know, is the M worth saving? Is your H going to be able to forgive? Will he use your A as an excuse to get away with all of his wrong doings? That was something my X would do. He could do no wrong, because no matter what he did, what I'd done was 100 times worse. So really think about it. Good luck in whatever you choose to do......