My Last Day Here!!
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| Thu, 03-25-2004 - 2:19pm |
We talked (he talked, I cried) for a while. I understand, I really do!. We said goodbye.
Then I got back to work, looking like a piece of crap I might add, and I thought I should recriprocate with my own very last letter to him. I would like to share it with you guys, this board has been a blessing to me. So here it is:
'I wasn't going to do this, it's against my better judgement because it makes me look weak, and I have been honest with you througout this relationship about my feelings, so many of the things I say you probably already know.
I will not pretend that I'm not sad - I am - but that is my issue to deal with. I've brought it on myself, I knew the consequences going in so, please don't feel bad or guilty (not implying that you do - just saying in case).
I am the person that became emotionally attached - again my problem, not yours. I have to say that I'm am very glad that I wasn't the type of teenage girl to sleep with every boyfriend and I used to be proud that I could say that the only person I ever slept with was my husband - but, I am so thankful that the only other person I have allowed myself to go that far with (and I was ready for), is someone with your integrity and lovingness - I wouldn't have had it any other way. And, I am proud of that.
I will agree with you that my marriage is the same as it always has been, and that our relationship has shed light on my inner self and what I want and do not want in a relationship. I would have like to work on it, with my husband which is why I told him my feelings for you.
Anyway, I do love you and I have for a long time - even before this started. Okay, maybe at first, when I worked at xxxxxxx it was infatuation, but my feelings for you developed into love, whether you want to believe that or not is your issue (if an issue at all), not mine. I feel blessed to love you. I believe you were sent to my path of life for good reasons, not bad. I learned things that I needed to about myself, by being with you. I will get over this.
To be honest, I'm not sure what I expected, or where I thought it might lead.
Anyway, I will treasure our "relationship" and all the times we spent together, forever. And, you have to know that I am here for you always.
I wasn't crying to make you feel bad. I'll miss you. Revelation - when my grandmother died, it was the saddest time in my life (since I'd never lost a person close to me in that way before). It took me a very long time to get over it and I thought about her every single day, I went to the cemetary often, and I would just sit there and talk to her and sometimes cry. It occurred to me recently, that yes, I do still think about her, but not every day. And the ache in my heart did lessen, although at the time I didn't think it ever could. I do not go to the cemetary as often. I still love her and always will. That is how I feel about us. Today, my heart is breaking and I will probably cry for quite a while, but not forever. I think I will occassionally go to our park, especially once it's gets nice out, and I will talk to you there, and let my feelings out there - until eventually I won't have to go so often. I won't think about you every day, just every so often - and I will still love you - but it just won't hurt so much!
Bye
K"
So, thank you all for your input over the past week or so (I can't believe I didn't find you sooner).
My thoughts are with you all. Thank you.
Edited 4/22/2004 9:09 am ET ET by red_bella

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ibc
The plot thickens.
I am home today. Pretty pathetic really, sitting in my housecoat with puffy face and a very sad H (well, he's just left for work).
Yesterday in my grief, I was in such a bad way - I came home from work and had myself a couple of very stiff drinks (shouldn't have done that). Of course, the booze made my heartache worse. My H kept asking me what was wrong. He said he knows something has been going on with me (guess I didn't hide it as much as I thought) and that whatever it is, it's driving him crazy. The floodworks continued and I told him that if I let him in on the going's on of my life, it will be the end of our M. He said that whatever it is, I should tell him, because he can't go on like this.
So I told him! Everything! He wasn't shocked, since we've discussed my feelings for my MM (ex) previously.
Ugh!!! What's wrong with me? Am I so selfish that I would inflict this pain on a person I do care deeply about, just so that I won't have to deal with my own broken heart. Now, as you can imagine, my focus is back to my H. I realize that I don't need a support board, I need a shrink! I feel sick about hurting him.
We ended up talking late into the night. My H wonders what's wrong with him that he doesn't feel angry. I told him that he is too hurt to be angry right now, but that by next week, he probably won't be able to stand looking at me.
I've tried to eliminate his fears that this is all his fault, by telling him that it is entirely my own weakness, curiosity, and my desperate attempt for validation that I am an attractive woman. I posted before that I've been with H since 17 and I'm 37 now, so I never really had the opportunity to explore the possibilities - and yes, that was my choice, so I have no one to blame but myself.
As you've read in my previous posts, I am not altogether happy in my M, but I had no intention of hurting my H in this way either. In our discussions last night and this morning, I asked H if he wanted me to leave - he said no. I asked if he thinks we can work through this - he said yes. Do I want to? That I cannot answer right now. My head and heart are in such an emotional state, that I don't think I could make a decision if my life depended on it - I guess my life does depend on it (whoa - I'm nuts!)
Well, I don't know if I've made more of a mess of things - or if this is going to be the catalyst to the reconstruction of my M. Who knows?
Oh, I did call my XMM this morning, just to warn him that H knows all, in case my H decides to contact him in anyway. I thought he deserved fair warning. I don't think that my H would do that, but I can't be sure at this point.
Oh, oh, oh - what a tornado this is turning into.
Thanks for listening.
((((((((((((((to all)))))))))))))
Red
I hope everything works out for you the way you want it too !! Take care,
Dusty
p.s. and thanks for the words of support on the other post too. I know its such a bad time for you, and still you're thinking about the rest of us too!!
((((((HUGS)))))))
GB2
hi red bella and i'm so sorry you are dealing with "the end".
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
((((((RED))))))
I cannot even begin to imagine what you're going through right now. Your letter was beautiful, it really touched a chord within me.
Don't beat up on yourself for telling your husband. He's been there for you for a long time, and even though I'm sure you both are hurting, it may be that it will serve as the beginning of the kind of communication that rebuilding your marriage requires.
Good luck, and please don't leave the board. Stay and let us know how you're doing.
Cazrida
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