My MM wants to be single?

Avatar for kmbr982
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
My MM wants to be single?
6
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 2:39pm
My MM and I have been together for over 2yrs. We have attempted to end things several times for the right reasons but of course, we end up involved again. His wife is pregnant and due soon, she knows about me and in fact confronted me at his work two weeks ago. I left non responsive b/c of course, she is pregnant and their small child was present and I felt that was a bad situation. My MM hasn't spoke to wife since, doesn't go home most evenings anymore but doesn't stay with me either. Lately, his comments insinuate he's blaming me for his marital problems although when I ask, he says no. Lately, he's been drinking alot and seeing other women. I ask him if he wants relationships with these other women and he says no. I ask him if he wants me to leave and he says no. I know he's confused. Hurts me a bit that I have offered for him to move in with me but he make excuses and says he's thinking about getting his own place. Not that I ever expected him to leave his wife to be with me but it's starting to feel like I don't matter at all. Is he being rebellious because he's confused or scared? Is he bored of me? Is he mad at me? Should I back off and leave him alone? Do I continue seeing him and hope it's just a phase? Any ideas???
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 3:17pm
I have to say that this man's behavior scares me. It sounds like he is being totally reckless and acting out. I think he is in serious need of counseling. He clearly is not comfortable with the end of his R with his W. And the fact he is seeing other women and being distant tells me he needs to work through some guilt surrounding his R with you. I know you love this man, but please be careful. And always use condoms if you are sleeping with him. But most of all, tell him he needs to get some help to stop this destructive behavior. I'm sure he won't like to hear it, but sometimes it takes a wake up call from those who care about us.

And through all of this, please take care of yourself. Spend some time with friends and try to distance yourself as much as you can from him. I wish you all the luck in the world and please come back anytime you need support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:01pm
hi kim and i totally agree with omaha. in fact, i would have written exactly the same advice.

please be careful of this guy. i know you care for him, but right now, he's acting a little crazy and drinking and probably sleeping with other women. all the while, having a pregnant wife, small child and a R with you!! whew, he's scary!

put lots of distance between you two for the present time. he needs to figure out what he wants to do with his life. and you need to take care of you and not get involved in his drama with his W at his work. keep your dignity and self-respect and stay away from MM until he comes clean about his intentions with you and his M.

you are the most part of this scenario. take care please.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:07pm
I really have to agree with Omaha, and I'll amplify my own thoughts as well.

The first thing I thought when I read this is that your MM probably didn't really plan on leaving his W (you said you didn't expect him to either.) While he might be "choosing" not to go home and therefore she hasn't "thrown him out," my guess is that he was unprepared to deal with the possible consequences of his actions. He probably sort of would like for you to offer to take some blame, but when you ask him if it's your fault it's a little harder to actually blame shift. BTW, it sounds like you dealt with the confrontation situation pretty well for your part.

I can understand the part about getting his own place; that's what I did when I moved out too, for lots of reasons. But I still spend every night at the OW's and I spend as much time as possible with her as I can. If my W found out at this point... well, I guess I'd save myself some rent money and go ahead and move in with the OW. I didn't move out to be single, I moved out as a logical next step to being divorced and growing my R with the OW.

It sounds like MM was enjoying the good parts of having an A but doesn't like having his hand forced (i.e., having to live with the consequences of his choices.) So he's avoiding reality with other women, drinking, etc. I'm curious how old this man is that he's dealing with things in such a way.

Making mistakes and throwing your life into chaos? It's ok, sometimes those things happen and we find we aren't prepared for it. That's when healthy people recognize the situation, take stock, and start taking steps to recover. Unhealthy people blame others, escape through substance/alcohol abuse and try to find fresh sources of affirmation (the other women he's dating.)

And he wants to be single? I say let him.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:24pm
Dump the lump!




Edited 4/24/2004 4:06 pm ET ET by julietsfate
Avatar for kmbr982
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:25pm
Thank you. He and I did discuss his destructive behavoir and maybe I was a little offended by him wanting his own place but you are right, he needs his own space, he needs to sort out what he wants. I just want him to be happy. I would like it to be with me but I want it to be by his choice, not because he was forced. Anyway, your message helped me understand things better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 4:37pm
"dump the lump" -- i love it jules!!!

my new favorite expression!