My om is gay

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2003
My om is gay
4
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 1:16am
I have been reading posts on this board for about a month - wondering if this is the right place for me to seek some answers about my relationship. I don't know if I would call our interactions an affair - because there is not, and never will be, a sexual relationship. This is someone I work with who I enjoy spending time with. We go to lunch together, and have gone out for a drink after work a few times. One of those times we talked for three hours, and ended up with his arm around me. That is probably as much physical contact as I will ever get.

My question is - is there anyone else out there in love with a gay man? How do you cope? Have you told him that you love him? I don't want to change anything about my om - I don't want to disrupt his life with his partner - but I want to find the opportunity to tell him how I feel about him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
In reply to: cjeanne99
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 8:38am
.


Edited 10/1/2004 6:52 pm ET ET by sally289
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: cjeanne99
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:45am
Welcome to the board "Grace"...lol sorry but I just had to! *wink*

I think what you are dealing with here is a very fragile situation. Unfortunately, no matter what you do or say you can not change someones sexual preferences and I sense that you realize that. However, I am a firm believer in always expressing your true emotions so I think I would tell him exactly how you feel. However, if you choose to tell him you must also reassure him that you aren't sharing your emotions with any expectations. Obviously this may cause some temporary upset to your friendship but if you tell him and move forward and stay true to yourself, the foundation of your relationship will hold you two secure...

Best of luck!

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
In reply to: cjeanne99
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:55am
YOu know what...sometimes friendships are the best relationship a person can have. And friends with guys with out the complications of sex, jeoulousy, anger, etc....are the best. Take a look at what you do have with this guy and cherish it. Him putting his arm around you was like a very kind gesture to express his feelings for you. THey just may be different kinds of feelings but they are real none the less.. I had a gay friend and we would sleep in the same bed together sometimes and snuggle up and as much as i wanted to kiss him and stuff, i learned to enjoy the closeness i did share with him, he would never go for the kissing and stuff.

Honestly, it is a good thing....so try not to look at what you don't have with this guy, but what you do have..

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: cjeanne99
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 9:57am
I have a friend who is always falling for gay men. Not sure why...this is something I guess she needs to explore. She's been told in therapy that she does this deliberately because she knows they are unavailable by nature and therefore she won't have to deal with the rejection. She's 50-something and never been married, though, so this is a lifelong thing. I think a married woman choosing to fall for a gay man is not so abnormal. Before MM came after me, I used to fantasize about men all the time. I usually chose celebrities (who are VERY unavailable!), but the one man I chose that I knew in real life would never, EVER have an affair with a married woman. He just is that type of person. Infidelity disgusts him. I knew MM and would never have developed a crush on him because you can just tell that he's the type who, if a beautiful blond developed an interest in him, would act on it. So I deliberately chose unavailable men...until MM decided to come after me!

I don't think I'd tell your friend and here's why. For one thing, as someone said, it will forever color your friendship. Even if you can get past it, it's always going to be there... I say this not only because that's just how people are, but because that's how most of the gay men I've known are. They are VERY, VERY sensitive. I may be generalizing, but that's all I can go on. While some men can get past something like having someone interested in them, the gay men I've known tend to really take things personally and I think your interest would make him incredibly uncomfortable, not only about what you're thinking but also about his sexuality. It's hard to explain and I hope I'm doing it right, but I used to work in a field where about 30% of the people in my office were gay and I'm thinking how one of them would have reacted to something like this. I'm also going on the stories my friend told me about when she'd open up to men she was interested in who were gay. Every single time, that was the absolute end of the friendship. She eventually learned not to tell them, but I think they would suspect because generally, over time, they'd start avoiding her. I personally am one of those who believe they can't change their sexuality -- it's part of their chromosomal makeup or whatever -- but even if they COULD, it's doubtful they'd want to. But the other reason I wouldn't tell him is that right now, you're living the fantasy and you're enjoying it, I assume. Telling him would, once and for all, end that fantasy because we're all 99.9999% sure he's going to reject you. So why end the fantasy? If you can't handle being friends with him but not being able to have him, then end the friendship but if you want to continue to hang with him and enjoy your fantasy on the side, telling him would be just about the biggest mistake you could make.