My overnight with AP
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| Tue, 12-30-2008 - 9:20pm |
First and foremost, let me say that most of the night was absolutely incredible. None of the awkwardness or anything. We are definitely very comfortable with each other. Spent most of the night cuddled up on the couch just talking and watching (barely) movies. Now..my A is confusing. He's in it for the PA and I'm in it for both the PA and EA. He knows that I love him, as I've said it to him before, and he's said it on a couple of occasions, but is rooted and stubborn on how he does not want a commitment right now. He's currently going through a nasty divorce with his W, which stresses him out, and I don't blame him for not wanting to get into another relationship right now, and I don't force the issue. It does come up once in a while, but not as much as it once did. I've come to accept, well mostly accept that it's mostly about the sex for him right now. Now..he tries to see me once a week when he can, and when we do see each other, we kiss and touch, but we've only been intimate once before last night. Most of it is almost like how you would spend the evening with your H or SO when things were wonderful.
Last night, after making love for the second time, we were laying in bed and I whispered to him that I love him. I was hesitant because I wasn't sure how he would react to it since it's nothing something I bring up often. He responds by saying I know you do but... and I cut him off and told him I just shouldn't of said anything, rolled over and he then said he was a big dork and he rolled over facing away from me. This morning when we woke up and we were getting ready to leave, we barely said 10 words to each other, and when he dropped me off at my car (met him half-way to his place and he drove the rest of the way) he didn't give me a kiss or anything, which is unusual.
I'm thinking I messed up big time by saying what I said. And honestly..I'm scared. The A has been going on for almost a year now, and right now I'm hurting because I think I've forced him away, that I've lost him. How do you cope when this happens? I really do 100% love this man even though I know the feeling isn't mutual. I get a lot of mixed signals from him on this. He spend a lot of time just looking deep in my eyes, holding my hand, cuddled up close with me, talking about what we want for our future lives, our kids..etc., and he even says that he could see us being together, just not right now. Should I just wait and see what happens???
-DG

I wouldn't worry about it too much. We have all said and done things that we wish we could take back. Although it's definitely in the top ten no no's in the "rules" of an A. Just give him sometime to digest what has happen, and he'll come around.
What concerns me more is the fact that you are so in love w/ him, and yet you except the fact that he is in it just for the sex. You're treading on really thin ice here, slush even, and the chances of you getting hurt is really high.
This guy is going through a D, and the death of a M is never easy, or pleasant. He may have somethings that he needs to work through, and to try to understand exactly what just happened.D is a very heady process. Very mentally unsettling, and exhausting. Don't add to his list of things to cope w/.
If I were you I would really try to take a step back, and allow him to do whatever it is that he needs to do. The only reason I say that is because if he is feeling pressure from you over emotions he may gradually pull away anyway, or you could be his rebound girl, and I know you don't want that.
I know that my post wasn't one of those "feel good" post, and I'm sorry that the news isn't better, but I wouldn't have your best interest at heart if I didn't tell you the truth as I see it. I am WELL versed in the AGONY that an A can bring and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy (but there have been a few scumbags through the years whom I would love to have that misery visited upon........ repeatedly lol)
I was so excited for you when I read your original post. I'm sorry that it ended so badly. But my mom always use to say "Honey, try not to let thing get you too down. You wouldn't believe what a difference a day can make." Damn my mom was the bomb ya'll. It's so true. There have been times were I was teetering over the edge ready to leap to my death (not literally) then....oh wait.....my cellphone is ringing. It's AP!!!!! Everything is fine!!!! HE LOVES ME!!!! WOO HOO!!!! Life is then instantly restored back to it's normal drum. I hope that it will be very similar for you.
Now, I know that I'm being silly, but I just wanted to share some of those precious pearls of knowledge w/ you, and try to make you smile too :)
Reading your original post really brought back some really wonderful moments in my life w xAP. I laughed, I cried, I got out my gas powered vibrator, no I'm just joking, that's my New Years Eve date LMAO! Hey that reminds me I better get some more gas for may date tonight, I don't want any excuses.
Good luck, and I hope that you are able to work through this, and enjoy the coming of a new year.
Justice