My piece of the cake
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| Mon, 05-24-2010 - 3:41pm |
I'm not sure if this should be posted in after betrayal or here, but it seems apropos to both.
My wife confessed her 18 month affair in January this year. I was devastated. Almost suicidal. But i forgave her and vowed to work on our marriage. But it's not just the affair. I believe she's in a Mid Life Crisis too which pretty much means I'm in for a hell of a ride the next 2-7 years. I got the "Love you but not in love with you," speech. And when she comes out of it I could be in her arms or out on the street. That's the thanks I'll get for staying.
This has made the affair all the worse. We both want to work on the marriage, but she's not feeling much like affection or sex or much of anything even as she constantly wants to know if I'm ok, what I'm thinking, doing, etc. It's too much for me. I need my space but don't go too far? How does one deal with that?
I told her if she keeps pushing me away I'll take the hint. Well, it's happened. My revenge affair. Against everything I've learned and abhorred about selfish human nature these past four months, today I took a married woman in my arms and felt that exhilarating thrill you all talk about when i pressed my lips against hers. It began with a need, spread by opportunity, and closed with a kiss.
My wife told me about her affair, "I wanted this." Well, I know exactly what she means. I do want this. Yet I know all too well what her husband would go through should he find out. I feel awful and yet I can't let go. I want it. She digs me and I dig her. What's more I get all those answers my wife's been keeping from me. I now understand how much she thought of him, how much she yearned for him, and how it is she would make whatever excuse, lie, story to leave my side to be with him.
I'm guessing her MLC has fostered my own.

Really don't have much to offer you in the way of advice. Just wanted to say welcome and I'm sorry for all you are going through. A revenge affair is probably not the best thing to do right now. Are you and your W in counselling? Individual and together as a couple? How do you think she will react when/if she finds out about this?
I can relate to the feelings that come with an affair...the grass is always greener...and of course (in my LDA situation anyway) there is none of the "real-life" stresses that exist in my every day life.
I would think very hard about the reasons you are doing this and the consequences of it before it goes too much further. Will this be an eye opener to your W that she better get working on your marriage, or will it give her an excuse to give up and be able to blame you for the breakup of the marriage?
Sorry if this isn't what you were looking for...just my .02 cents. Hope things will improve and you can figure all of this out.
Everything you say is absolutely correct and, damn it, I know it. That's what sucks about it. Am I self-destructive? i think so. I wish I felt more guilty about it. Maybe i will tomorrow.
Thanks.
Despite what you say, I don't think this
anotherseyes
It may well be a revenge/transitional affair. It may be nothing at all. But I know what you mean about doing it for myself. I need the validation, to lift my self-esteem. It's nice to have proof that my wife's lack of sexual feelings for me is totally her issue and has nothing to do with me. This woman literally swooned in my arms when we kissed. What man wouldn't feel empowered from that experience?
There was some sadness though last night, but I don't think it was guilt. I think it was just pain as to what this means to the true state of my twenty year relationship with my wife. I'm falling out of love with her.
Welcome to MAS Paris. I wish I had some sage advice, something that would make it all right. Truth is, affairs are often painful and lonely and make us question ourselves. I totally understand the validation you needed and got from your A. I sure can't condemn you for it. But I don't know what to tell you about "what to do now".
Do you and your wife go to marriage counseling or individual counseling? If you had an individual counselor, you might be able to thrash it out with him/her, at least for some self knowledge and some direction on where to go now.
Other than that, all we can do is give you support. And please keep posting and "thinking out loud". Sometimes the answers are right in our own posts, if we re-read them.
You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice. ~Steven D. Woodhull
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You've
Agreed. I know (I am going against my own best judgment here) that I'm merely projecting the affections and desires I have for my wife on my AP. I'm attracted to her, but honestly if my W turned around today I most likely would end the A.
But her MLC or depression is taking its toll on me. I'm lashing out. We were in MC but she realized that her problems are within herself and so she wants to deal with her own therapist. She doesn't think the MC (who is awesome) will make or break us. It's all about what's going on with W.
I am seeing a therapist. A lot of venting, confusion, compassion. Life is out of my control. I really am in a quandary.
I've gotten a lot out of this site since I discovered it following DDAy (1/16/10). I don't know exactly how to deal with my situation. A part of me feels like I'm pursuing the A just to know what it was the W actually experienced - to know how "real" it felt for her.