My "relationship" is new......

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
My "relationship" is new......
7
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 9:13pm
Hello everyone. I've spent a good hour or so reading over the messages here and feel that this will be a good board to be a part of based on the posts that I've seen. On other boards (not of this nature!) I'm up to par with the abbreviations, but many of the ones on this board are new to me so bear with me since I probably won't use them until I'm sure of their meaning!

Having said that, here goes:

I've been married to my spouse for a little over 5 years (dated for 4 years before marriage) and we have a toddler together. I recently began an affair with a MM in my area. He and his spouse have no children. I'm 29 (will be 30) and he's 40 (will be 41). We met via an online group and exchanged emails for a few days to get a feel for each other. Upon deciding that we had much in common, we exchanged photos (both were quite pleased with the other) and communicated further. This all began the first week of December. We met for the first time on the 22nd, for a brief 5 minutes (I was on my way out of town for the holiday and would be driving by his area on my way). The 5 minutes we spent hugging and looking at one another were wonderful. During the holiday, we kept in touch and met again, for the 2nd time, last Tuesday for dinner. Again, we had a great time. We both ordered food but were both disinterested in eating. We left the reastaurant and walked around enjoying the cool evening, holding hands and occasional kisses.

We were both up front during our initial email correspondence. Neither of us is looking to leave our marriage because we both have spouses that we love, unfortunately, the love is more the type that you feel towards a longtime friend that you're comfortable with. We both have claimed to be happy with this arrangement so we'll see what happens. In a nutshell, that's my story. I, again, am very pleased to have found a group of other people in similar situations. I look forward to sharing advice and receiving advice along the path of this unusual journey.

By the way, our first "time" together (what's the abbreviation for $ex?!) will be this Saturday afternoon. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 10:06pm
Welcome, you will find some great support here. I am in a similar situation. I am also M and having an A with a MM. We have no intentions of leaving our marriages. We are just enjoying our A. I hope you will enjoy your new relationship especially on Saturday night. Don't worry, he is nervous and excited about it, too. Let us know how everything goes for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 8:41pm
Thank you very much for your response girlfromatl. It's now the evening before our first encounter and we both admitted earlier today that we're nervous as heck, but thrilled to finally get to experience one another. I had another hectic day at work today and he kept me company by leaving me voicemails and sending emails. :)

How long has your A been going on? I've seen, from reading over some of the posts, that some have been going on for years which makes me feel like such a newbie!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 4:21pm
Hi Effervescent, I also met my MM online. And we've been seeing each other for 3 years now. Just enjoy yourself on your first "encounter". Boy, I remember ours ... I was SO nervous. He was only the 3rd man I've BEEN with (#1 and #2 being husbands). But it was WONDERFUL!! And now, going into our 3rd year, the physical relationship is so wonderful, its like having someone that knows exactly what you like and how, and is totally devoted to making you enjoying the time you have together. When we get together, its like we are totally in tune with each other's wants/desires, and feels to me like a comfortable, cozy relationship. Its so great, I don't know how I could live without it! Good luck to you, and enjoy!!

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 2:47am
This is the first time that I'm on this board and I'm surprised that there is a board for people with affairs to share their feelings.

I'm currently involved with someone 20 years my senior and we met at work three years ago. He is a mentor and we shared a lot in common and fell in love emotionally. We both knew our restriants not only our age difference but that he is a MM and even though I'm single, my family will never allow such a relationship to develop even if he is divorced. We went thru a lot of ups and downs emotionally 'cos of our situation and frustration of not having too much time together. From the time we first kissed, it took us almost 1 1/2 years before we had sex. I wanted to take my time and not rush into a relationship that is only sexual in nature. I tested his patience too to see if his feelings were geninue and he respected me until I was ready. It was an unforgetable experience when we slept for the first time not only because we waited so long but also he took my virginity. It was very special for him too that I was willing to share this with him even though the relationship will not be fruitful.

We are now very happy with our arrangement and even though I get lonely at times on the weekend and cannot initiate any calls to him, afraid of exposing the relationship. He continues to be very supportive of my work (even though he is no longer in the same work place as me) and we share our intellectual thoughts and feelings. We both consider each other our soulmates.

I wonder how others on this board that are having affairs with MM or those that are married themselves can keep in contact with your lover on the weekends without being caught. Wouldn't your other half be suspicious when you leave on the weekends ? We're playing safe 'cos we want to be together for a long time.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting the short end of the stick since my MM is having the best of both worlds but I love him too much to give up this relationship. Is it abnormal?

I welcome any thoughts and comments.

To Effervescentwoman, was it ought for you to sleep with someone you met only twice and emailed several times ?? It took me a long time to put my trust with my MM even though we have known each other for several years. I hope you find fulfillment in this relationship. GOod Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 8:12am
In response to Maingirl04:

Perhaps I'm incorrect in my assessment, but I think, when you began your relationship, you were looking for something different than what I was looking for when I began mine.

I'm already in a marriage, so I'm not looking for someone to fall in love with (I do know that it can happen though). My intentions (as have been on target thus far) were to find someone who, was also married who was looking for someone to be intimate with on occasion. This is what I've found. Based on what you've written, you were looking for someone to connect with on an emotional level first.

In response to your question of whether or not it was tough to sleep with him yesterday, after only meeting in person twice...........no. Not at all. Based on what I've learned, length of time means very little. You can know someone an entire lifetime and not really get to know them (life experience has taught me this!). In my opinion, it's rather easy to only divulge the information you WANT others to know, therefore presenting the illusion that you're something you're really not. Additionally, my spouse was the person I lost my virginity to. I was 20 at the time and waited until I was married before making love for the first time. A four year wait, so, rest assured, I've not gone through life surrendering myself to just anyone. {wink}

Moving on..........How do I keep in contact with my MM on the weekends? Cell phone, email, etc..... This is the first time I've ever done something like this so, my spouse had no reason to question whether or not I was really at work or not. Our meeting on Saturday was the first time we met on a weekend. I'm able to pretty much see him as often as I like because of my career. I often work long hours and sometimes go in on weekends for a few hours, so, an alibi is not an issue for me. I actually DON'T intend to meet on weekends very often because I would also like to spend time with my family and weekends are often the only time I can do it uninterrupted.

In regards to your questioning whether or not you're getting the "short end of the stick". Based on what you've written, I don't think so, at least I don't think your MM would do that intentionally (again, going by what you've written). He's married, so he can't deny the fact that he has to share his life between two situations now. His family on one side, you on the other. Being married myself, I can relate to that which is one reason why I wasn't interested in having an A with a single man. You said that you two consider each other soulmates, have you discussed your concerns with him? Even in the short amount of time I've known my MM, I've found that we can discuss just about anything. Best of luck to you and your relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 11:50am
hello there! I am new to this board, but am in the same situation. neither of us intend to get divorced, just have agreed to enjoy what we have when we can. keep it simple and enjoy the attention.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:52am
Hi there, thanks for your reply and your accessment of my situation is true. I was looking to connect with someone on the emotional side more than on the intimate end. My intuition tells me that he started off more on a casual side and considered me as someone to fill a gap that he may be missing with his w for a long time (part of it is passion in a relationship and the other part is intellectual sharing.) but ended up falling seriously in love. I've read some many articles in this website, either from experts or message boards on pros and cons of an EMA and being with an older man. Of course, none of them encourage EMA not only because it is 'cheating' but also someone will bound to get hurt when things get serious. We've talked about this many times and he realizes my pain and he said his heart is broken everytime he sees a tear in my eye. But as mature adults, we realize who we are when we began this relationship so there is nothing much that he can do to change the situation. We talk daily on the phone and he tells me about his routine. It is so true when you said that people will only reveal what they want you to see, no matter how long you know that person. I've heard that from my mother and friends how much they don't know what their spouse is really like even though they have been together for years. There is always some guessing work in any relationship and an EMA is no different.

He has told me that he will be very happy if I find someone that I'm happy with. I'm keeping my options open but we both know to take it one day at a time and enjoy the moment together. The hardest part on me actually is not being able to see him enough and I find myself frustrated or mad at him when he has to ditch me for something else. We have great sex and enjoy the intimacy very much. He pays for everything when we go out, even the hotel room although I insist on treating him once in a while. He is financially very well off but I don't want him to think that I'm a gold digger.

Sorry that I'm rambling on but I'm really glad to find someone who can listen and understand my relationship.

By the way, how was your first time together ? Was it as exciting as you expected ? even though you work long hours and your spouse may not suspect, be careful as you don't want to ruin the fun.

Keep in touch on this board. Thanks !!