my story

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
my story
4
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 5:49pm

This is my first post here ... this is my story ...
My Marriage has been on the rocks for years ... started counceling last year and really didn't feel like it was going anywhere ...
Enter the world of FB ... a little backstory first
In Highschool I had a very devastating relationship with a guy. Lost my virginity to him, loved him with all my heart. I believe to this day that this relationship laid the foundation for all of my relationships to come after that. He treated me very badly ... i was never officially his girlfriend back in the day ... but he kept me around and we saw each other a lot. In the end the relationship became so emotional for me that I transfered high schools to get away from him. That was one of the hardest periods of my life. In time I got over it (with LOTS of therapy) and over the years we had run into each other here and there and actually got along very well. Over the last 10 years or so we lost all contact but I heard about him through the grapevine that he got married and had 2 children and even moved back to the area. Despite all the negative things he did to me I was happy to hear that his life had gotten on track ... but never really gave him much thought other than that. About 7 months ago a mutual friend told me he ran into him and that he was on fb ... not thinking anything of it I friend requested him and for a while he was just one of those friends that existed in the background ... then one day he pops up in a message out of the blue ... telling me that he loves me, he has always loved me ... not in the romantic sense at least not anymore but that he had never fully gotten over how he treated me when we were younger and that I was a better person than him back then and he wanted me to know that he knew that.
All of a sudden the flood gates were open. We were talking all the time. We ended up deciding to meet for a walk and it was so wonderful to see him ... I have actually known him since I was 11 ... as the walk ended and we went to hug goodbye, he kissed me ... that is when this all started ... The last 6 months have been a mixture of heaven and hell. This isn't some guy I work with or someone I just happen to meet ... this is the most important relationship of my past ...
He is also married and has never had any intentions of leaving is wife. He loves her and their children very much. He also claims to love me but knows he doesn't have the right to feel that way since he is married. Every time we see each other and something happens he swears it can't happen again ... then it does, then he says the same thing ... it goes back and forth over and over again ... which has been a complete emotional rollercoaster for me ... He's gone from we need to cut ties to we can still be in each others lives but we can't see each other to we can still see each other but we can't 'make time' for each other. Right now I have no clue where we are. Last week we were cutting ties ... he had a huge emotional outburst and basically blamed me for continuing the entire A ... I lost it ... I was so angry that he could blame me. I was never there alone! I asked how he could blame me for not having the strength to do something that he obviously didn't have the strength to do either ... he said he had the strength but needed to know I would be ok. Really .. you have the strength???? Then STOP seeing me .... I do often initiate us seeing each other, but its not always me ... Just last week after his emotional outburst... which he in the end felt AWFUL for ... I was so mad that I didn't return his texts all day and he kept apologizing saying he was angry at himself and was taking it out on me ... he asked me if I wanted to come over ... he said see I'm still stupid ...

Then he keeps saying he wants to do what is right by his wife and he has no right to have these feelings for anyone but her, that he needs to 'get over' me and this. I completely understand and respect that ... but it doesn't make it any easier ... it actually hurts more to know that he does love me ... I almost wish he didn't ... the connection between us is so strong and we share so much history ... and I know none of that matters, but as I'm sure many of you know logic and love never seem to go together ... anyway ... to anyone who has read this entire post, thank you ... I don't know where to go from here ... If I should walk away ... which I honestly don't know how to do .. I originally posted on the EAS board when i thought we were going NC, but that hasn't happened ... I don't know how to get there ... and apparently neither does he ... He did promise to stop blaming me if he is weak ... but am I being unfair to him by seeing him? He's a big boy and makes his own choices ... I can't believe I'm even having an A ... with him none the less, but this isn't me ... or apparently it is ... I don't know ... I get sick if I think about it too much, but I also get sick if I think about not seeing him ...

Anyway, thanks for reading ... I'll take any thoughts, suggestions or opinions because right now I am beyond lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
In reply to: mrm7391
Fri, 02-05-2010 - 7:31pm

Please don't take this wrong..


But it sounds like he hasn't changed a bit since high school.


You say you have so much history. But what history is that? Him treating you badly, not recognizing you as his GF, and causing you to go to years of therapy.


Do you really want that again? Are you just trying to come out with a better ending this time?


Trust me..I know all about unfulfilled marriages. And A's. I had one of both. So I am not judging, just saying, honey, if you are going to have an A make it one that is fun and does not add stress to your life. Otherwise what is the point?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
In reply to: mrm7391
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 3:30am

wow - you are indeed on a rollercoaster.


i love and hate FB for this very reason. you can snoop on people from your past and with a click of a button, they become "real" again to you.


you need to 'unfriend' him and be strong, and then seriously

when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2010
In reply to: mrm7391
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 10:43am

Thank you for your responses ... I don't think I made clear in my original post that since HS we had made amends ... and before anything ever happened with us in HS we were the best of friends ... I think part of my healing back then was forgiving him and moving on. In college he came to visit me a few times and it was always very friendly. There were never any harsh emotions. We had really grown together and weathered a terrible time. We lost contact and then about 10 years ago ran into each other again ... this was before I met my H and he was actually engaged at the time to his W. We had another few moths then of just being good friends and the last time I saw him he had come to visit me at my apt and things got physical ... as I said he was engaged to his W at the time. We have always had some bizarre chemistry ...

I don't know how much to believe when he tells me that no one aside from his wife has ever made his heart flutter like I do. He has said on many occasions ... and I believe it to be true ... that if he just wanted to have an A he could ... he is a police officer and fairly attractive man ... and women throw themselves at him because of the uniform and he is a huge flirt ... but he has never wanted an A and has never had one until me. I have questioned that because in HS he was the guy who slept around ... MAJORLY ... always having 3-4 girls at a time ... I always seemed to be a constant ... so I have questioned him about his faithfulness and I believe him to be telling the truth ... this is more than physical ... he has said he feels like we were given a chance to rewrite history ... to know how much we meant to each other ... and it scares him to know this could hurt me because he feels it will 'defeat the purpose' of it happening at all in the first place.

He has just never been a person I've felt was 'off limits' as a friend ... he is such a huge part of who I am because of the roll he played in my past ... for better or worse ... we know things about each other that no one else does ...

This is just a scary place to be ... now that he's back in my life I can't imagine not having him here, but I have even said to him that I would take everything that has happened back if it meant that we could have our friendship the same again ... I feel like it's all messed up.

I enjoy him and feel so unbelievably safe when we are together ... I don't think I can emotionally handle my M falling apart and this at the same time ... I really don't ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
In reply to: mrm7391
Sat, 02-06-2010 - 11:00am

I understand what you are going through quite well.