My story

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
My story
2
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 11:28am
Wow - what a great article from Psychology Today - Shattered Vows - I am new to this website and so thankfull I found it.

I am the pursuer in the article. I have withdrawn from my marriage, my husband started to think things were good because I stopped complaining, He changed to little to late for me.

I have been in a A for the past 3 months, in a miserable marriage for 9 years. I am not surprised that I am involved in a A, I always expected this would happen to me sooner or later. My OM is great, we work together have been friends for a year before anything happened. I realized I had feelings for him but tried to deny them. We have become really close and realize that we have fallen for each other. He is very protective of his feelings for me, because I am not free yet. I have wanted out of the M for so long, but never had the courage until this summer. I am finally secure enough that I can leave. The problem is my H, he wanted me out of the house right away and I won't leave my children.

I got pregnant, than married my H. I had my kids at 23 with no help or support from him or family. He has finally made all these changes in his behavior. He doesn't drink as much as before and is more attentive to me. But it is still to little to late for me. I know I was done before we ever started he just filled a void in my life at the time we meet. He is very tempermental and verbally abusive - just like my dad. I don't like how evil I became in the marriage. We have had $ problems since day one, he doesn't hold a steady job we are always just skimping by. I have been working full time for 6 years, I am finally making money since my kids are in grade school and I don't have to pay day care. I can't stand the unsteadiness of his career path.



I know there is a good side of and it is finally coming out. I don't even feel guilty about the A I have been having, the lying to my H. My OM has a steady job, doesn't have a drinking problem, owns a house, and most of all is very calm, doesn't fly off the handle. I have fallen for OM, however when H has me up at 2:30am every night hounding me with questions I start to say things to him just to get him off my back. Then it bites me in the ass. I say things I regret. I am just so tired of being beaten down by him. I am moving out on Nov 1 around the corner from the house and can't wait. My kids will be in the same school and we are splitting custody. I just hate the fact that he gets me to say things I don't mean in a weak moment. I don't want to be with him anymore. I want my A to keep going. Yesterday H confronted me about OM - he saw that I called him when I said I wasn't talking to him. So then H called OM found cell phone number - OM handled things well with H said there is nothing going on we are just friends and doesn't know he is calling him. I have used some bad judgement and am angry with myself for letting things get out of hand. I don't want to push OM away, but feel if we don't seperate ourselves right now things could worse for us down the road. Is there hope for OM and me - I do feel something wonderfull there and don't want to loose it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: mysecretstory
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 11:47am
Well, congratulations on finding the strength to leave your M. It does sound like you've found a great OM but right now you are in a weird state. It's not to say you shouldn't see OM, but take it slowly. You don't want to rush into another R just because, when held up against your H, he comes out smelling like roses. For the sake of your current situation, I would try to lay low with OM right now because if your H has the temper you say he does, I wouldn't want any harm to come to either of you. Just be very, very careful and try not to see each other as much. A little sacrifice now will pay off in the future, once your divorce is final and hopefully your H has moved on. Another issue is the custody -- if your H can prove an affair you might end up worse off in the divorce. I'm sure your OM doesn't want to be dragged in to testify under oath, so you can always put it to him like that if you think he'll have a hard time cooling things off for a while. You'll see each other at work and talk there -- I'd suggest you do as many of us involved in As with co-workers do and limit your contact to during work hours. You know with people all around nothing's going to happen and you can still maintain your friendship without having to worry about it looking bad. There is hope for OM and you but you have to work on you first. Do some soul-searching into what caused you to get into this marriage in the first place. If possible, get some counseling even if it's from your pastor. Like me and a couple of others on here, you may need to heal the wounds of your relationship with your father and it's probably going to involve a therapist to do that. If you can come to terms with how you felt about your father's behavior and how it affected you, maybe you can start your new life with a clean slate. But jumping from your M to a serious relationship with OM without first investigating all this could be a big mistake.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: mysecretstory
Mon, 11-03-2003 - 9:53am
Recap from earlier email. Update

Told Husband I want out, have been caught lying to him the past year about money. I work a lot of hours so I don’t have to deal with him. Just moved out this weekend, will be sharing custody with him. I feel like I am ending a business, I have no emotion towards the marriage. He is very emotional – gets angry very fast. I try to calm him down by hugging him and kissing him. Just to appease the moment. I don’t feel anything for him, but I don’t show him some emotion than the outcome is worse for me. I can’t stand dealing with the constant arguing. We haven’t had sex since July, needless to say the other morning before I moved out we were together. Just to shut him up and make the move a little easier on me. I don’t have any feeling towards this I felt like I was doing a job, once the act was done I was so relieved. I can't keep doing this it is killing me inside. I never felt guilty when I meet OM and we were together, but I feel guilty for the being with H.

Here is the problem, I thought I have found someone who makes me really happy and he does, I care so much about him, but then I think if I really did why would I put myself in the situation. I must not, but I do I just do these things with H to appease him for a short time. To make things calm, I feel like I have been living a double life. I feel so guilty towards OM, I really care about him and I want to tell him to just go away – because I can’t hurt him anymore. He doesn’t deserve that, he really has a great heart and is a pure Jem.

Help me. I am a mess