MY Story

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2009
MY Story
10
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 1:46am

Hi all. I just reread this and I am all over the board emotionally. Sorry. I am leaving it as is to help me see how much I need to try and deal with this.

I met my MM online and we met in person shortly thereafter. He is nearly 20 years older, although age does not bother me (I'm in my late thirties). We have been together nearly a year. He has promised to leave but broken the date twice. I told him I would leave the last time if he could not make a decision. I understand these things are difficult, but this is BS. He is not trying to leave nor is he trying to work on his marriage.

I have a very good friend that counsels people, and she is encouraging me to wait it out; telling me it's a long process and for me to try and be supportive. She says she has seen this time & time again. I truly love him, but I can't see any of this madness working out. In fact, I feel very manipulated by him today and very angry at myself that I cannot break it off.

I just don't think he has it in him. I think he is just can't find the courage to leave, and besides, he is having his cake and eating it too. His marriage isn't horrible - just so many years and no sex. They are good friends and companions, and they never argue. She lets him do whatever he wants, so he feels incredibly guilty for leaving a woman who seems to be Betty Crocker. I can't believe I was/am stupid enough to think he could walk away from a 30 year marriage, even though people do it.

The problem is, I just can't do it cold turkey. I need to slowly de-tangle somehow, but it is hard. I have become very depressed about this - to the point that I am on anti-depressants. I don't think I can handle the pressure of waiting for him and hoping for some crumb of attention here and there.

Don't get me wrong - we have met numerous times and had a wonderful time. We spend hours a day online and I know we love each other. I just don't think he will ever leave, but I can't tear myself away. Ive tried many times to get him to leave first, and it is clear I need to do it.

I am not person who would ever date a married man, so this is incredibly hard for me. I never ever thought we would meet in person, so I thought I could control it. Now I see how stupid I was. I can't believe I would even want to be with him now that I see how he lies to his wife. I am secretly wanting to tell her - though not directly. of course I know better and never would. My only saving grace is knowing that he will have to face his marriage at some point or be miserable.

I am scared to tell him I need to leave because he will turn up the attention . I also cannot do it cold turkey, as i said, because the pain is simply atrocious. It's as if I am losing an organ. I have slowed down my work schedule and put in order to deal with this pain. So , I need ideas, excuses, etc on how to back off easy. That way the threshold of pain can be avoided for both of us, and we can hopefully move on. Thanks for reading and I appreciate any feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2009
In reply to: mana00
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 4:25am

Awww Sweetie I could feel your pain as I read your post. I can SO identify exactly w/ what you are going through. My AP had until December to get out, and when he asked for a 3 month exstention I told him no. I have since November caved, and am to some degree back w/ him. I'm so mad at myself for my weakness, and pathetic need for him.

I know that the pain is......man, it's hard to find a word that can convey the devastation that you are feeling. I know that you guys have probably spent countless hours talking about your future together, and making plans, that as of recently, fell through. I really don't think that most men really fully grasp exactly how difficult it is for us emotionally. I have to believe that, because to think that they know and still do what they do is too hurtful. I have begged my AP to tell me the truth. Saying pathetic things like "If you don't want to be w/ me, just me, then tell me. I can deal w/ that (I think,) but not knowing for sure is sheer torture." I think I could walk away if he stopped saying that he loves me, and wants me. I mean who wants to be w/ someone that doesn't want them.

I'm sorry to keep bringing up my situation, I know it was your thread, it's just easier for me to use myself as an example.

How can you untangle and slowly withdraw? Well, that my dear is the million dollar question. You have to know that the extreme happiness, the giddiness, and high that you get from this R is going to have pain that is as equal in strength to the positive feelings that you feel w/ him. I really believe that there is no way around the pain. We played, and now we pay. I'm sorry that the news is not better.

Maybe because it's what I want to believe, but I'm w/ your friend the counselor. Give him time. 30 yrs. is an incredible amount of time, and history to work through. And you know that we tend to pick the familiar over the better, but that doesn't mean that it wont happen. Maybe I shouldn't encourage you to stick it out, but it's what I would do if I were you. Shoot, I'm doing that now.

The only thing that I can think will help you is NC FOR A LITTLE WHILE. Let him miss you, let it become painfully obvious to him how much he loves you. If not what you say is true. Why would he leave a situation where he can have his cake and eat it too. I tried that myself, but unfortunately my Ap's resolve is greater than mine, and I caved in 2 1/2 months. BUT that doesn't mean that you can't do it. I'm pulling for you, and whatever happens I wish you nothing but happiness, regardless to what shape or form that it may come in.

Justice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
In reply to: mana00
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 11:29am

You are presuming that he is unhappy being married to her. Perhaps he even told you so. But that doesn't mean that it's true. He's a married man, and they will say and do things in order to get what they want...a happy mistress that won't make waves. I think you are dead on when you say you don't think he will leave. He probably won't. He's facing the twilight of his years a lot more than you are, and why upset the apple cart? Don't believe he doesn't have sex with her, either. That, also, may not be true.

I don't believe there's an easy way to disengage, nor do I believe you can do it slowly. Like a bandage, you just have to do it in one fell swoop. It won't be easy, but you can do it if you really want to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2009
In reply to: mana00
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 12:15pm

Thanks for your reply. I never said he was unhappy with her. You are correct that he is facing his twilight years. Change is difficult, yes. However, he doesnt want to regret beaing fearful of it, either. Whether or not they have sex is of little concern to me.

I disagree that it is easiest to just 'rip off the band aid", so to speak. We have both tried that and it was impossible each time. There is love there. We have spent every day communicating for nearly a year. It's like me telling him - just tell her your leaving and do it. Doesn't work that way, precisely because we are both older.

The story is much more complex than is known. I also have a fiance that I am in precess of leaving. I know for myself that it cannot be done as as band-aid is.

You write like a Betrayed Spouse. I certainly hope that is not the case. Thanks for you comments.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2009
In reply to: mana00
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 12:28pm
Justice, thanks so much for your thoughts. Hearing things from your own story helped also. Your lines about the highs and lows rang very true for me. Of course there would be an opposite effect for those crazy highs!
I want so badly to heed the counselor. But today I am simply not feeling it. I am grateful for that little voice inside me telling me, "....he broke the deadline, and he hasn't done much else...what are you doing...." We are supposed to talk on telephone later, and I don't think I will be available.
Crazy thing is that my fiance knows nearly everything about MM & I. Fiance & I had to become open at one point - long story. We have both had A's. We are now helping each other out until we cab split, essentially. Anyway, I'm sorry I got lost there a minute.
I am considering NC. I think my game plan is to work up to it, slowly. I obviously need to build my strength first.
Thanks again, Justice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
In reply to: mana00
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 1:40pm

I write like someone who has been there, done that and knows how to get out of it, if that is what you desire. First of all, I'm sorry if I did not use your verbage when speaking of your AP's situation. I said unhappy. What you said, actually, was.....

"My only saving grace is knowing that he will have to face his marriage at some point or be miserable."

So, yea, I guess you're right. You didn't say he is unhappy. You said he is "miserable". My bad.

Secondly, yea, you're right. Whether they have sex is of no interest to you. That's why you said....

"His marriage isn't horrible - just so many years and no sex."

You forgot to mention the fiance in your first post. That's fairly interesting that you would completely leave him out of the story when you posted it. I guess that tells you how much he matters to you. Thank God you're not marrying him. And you've been carrying on for a year with this man? No wonder you're depressed. Seriously. All the stress of this affair surely has contributed to it.

Look, you may not like what I have to say about married men and your AP. Doesn't make it not true, however. Fact is that most married men either outright lie or greatly exaggerate the nature of things with the Mrs. I honestly doubt that he will ever leave her. Knowing this, you need to do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. I think you're kidding yourself if you think that you can slowly detangle yourself from this. Seems to me that's what you've been trying to do already. How's that working for you? If you are truly serious about ending this situation then you need to just do it. Yea, I know, you "love" each other. So what. You've never loved anyone and broken up with them before? You won't die, I assure you. In all actuality, you will find a new freedom you had not known when in the throes of living a lie. Having an affair takes a great deal of energy, keeping all the balls in the air. Your fiance and having to lie to him, his wife and having to lie to her, all of it. It zaps you, which I'm sure your resultant condition must surely show you. Stop romanticizing things. You CAN do it if you really want to. How? "Well, Dick, I have been doing a lot of thinking, and I have come to the conclusion that this relationship is not good for me. I want a real-life boyfriend that I don't have to sneak around to spend time with. I want to not have to be lying to anyone or participating in anyone lying to someone else. I'm glad we met, but it's time to end things. Please don't call me or IM me or text me or email me. I ask that you respect this boundary and let me be so that I can heal from this." Change cellphone number, block emails and IMs. Get busy doing things with people you've surely neglected by being involved in this.

Yep, you can do it. The only thing stopping you is your self-talk that tells you that you can't. Your self-talk that keeps telling you he's the great love of your life. Nope. The great love of your life will be available to be so. He's out there. But as long as you keep clinging to this affair, you're never going to meet him. And if you truly want to end it, you should move over to the EAS board, not this one. This one is about continuing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2009
In reply to: mana00
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 2:18pm
While you took my words out of context and misunderstood the meaning ( he would be miserable AFTER I left the affair), the rest of your words are good. For the record, my fiance knows nearly everything about the affair, so things aren't always as simply done as it would seem.
Thanks for telling it like it is - I truly can appreciate that. I am going to give your words some thought. i do appreciate your strength.
Don't know what the EAS board is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2009
In reply to: mana00
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 2:28pm
The EAS board is "Ending Affairs Support". It really is the better place for you to be if you want to end this situation. Which I truly hope you do. Because if you don't grab ahold of yourself now, you just may find yourself years down the road being in the same spot. Read the posts. There are plenty on here that are in your shoes, but have been there for multiple years. You said you're in your 30's. You don't want to find yourself 10 years down the road, now in your 40's, with this guy who gets to go home every night to a wife and security, while you've spent your prime years hoping for the same with him. It's a terrible position to PUT YOURSELF in . Don't do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2008
In reply to: mana00
Mon, 01-19-2009 - 2:47pm

I'm sorry that you are hurting. I know we all want to believe that our AP's are going to leave soon. Some will, but most won't. This is a reality and one that you should try to accept, even though it hurts. The reasons why some don't/can't leave are many and we can't speculate for everyone. It could be that it's hard after a long time, it could be he actually enjoys part of his marriage, it could be anything really. If you are having such a hard time making a decision and just going NC with him after a year, you can imagine how hard it would be for someone to leave someone they have been with for so long -- especially if they're not unhappy. Whatever the reason, his indecision is causing you

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
In reply to: mana00
Tue, 01-20-2009 - 7:17pm

Oh Mana, I feel your pain every bit as much as you do, because I am sitting in that (sinking) boat, right next to you, hugging you and holding on for dear life.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2006
In reply to: mana00
Sun, 01-25-2009 - 8:24pm
I was in an affair for a year. This was a couple years ago. I really thought that he loved me and he kept giving me different dates that he would leave her. "Oh, after this trip or after the holidays. " Of course, none of us really want to believe that he is lying to us. They're just cowards.