My story - thoughts?
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| Sat, 11-29-2008 - 1:18pm |
Been lurking for a few days, need some objective advice. Short version (I'll try to be brief) of my story is that I've been in an A w/MM for about a year and a half. Started in April of 07, got physical that September - he told his wife about the EA part in January of 08 and they initially decided to split (she's unskilled, unemployed and he's got a very wealthy family), she was happy w/the money arrangement and didn't want him anymore either. His family did NOT agree, threatened to cut him off and wanted him to lie in the bed he made (they don't care for her at all).
So, we spent the next few months really spending a lot of time together, sleepovers, long weekends, etc. - the 'due diligence' his family said he didn't have. (I can get this to some degree, hard to leave an 11 year relationship for someone you've only known for a few months... and my history is spotty, never been committed for longer than a few years - I get his/their fear.)
We seemed to be moving in the right direction, things were bubbling like crazy at his house - fighting, lots of nights at a 'hotel', etc. At the end of May, he discussed again w/his dad and he 'got it'... but then in June my AP had a major health scare and his wife recommitted.
Our contact has been drastically reduced since then; we talk everyday, but usually just a phone call or two, texts, that sort of thing. We see each other about 2-3 times a month and I'm getting so frustrated. He swears that things are/have been rapidly declining, her renewed interested faded in a few weeks and he's letting things build back up so that he can file for a divorce because of THEM, not US. Makes some sense to me, there's children involved and we hope for a reasonable breakup and plausible re-introduction of me so that we can all get along eventually.
I'm impatient - want to see something happen NOW. He's begging me to be patient in the short term so that our long term future plays out the right way. He won't commit to a time line because of the failed attempt in January, doesn't want to make that mistake again. In the meantime, I'm having a really hard time maintaining the facade when we do talk. I'm turning into a miserable, obsessive crazy woman. The wait is killing me and I've started to doubt his intentions. I was so sure six months ago, but the limited contact is making me wonder if he's just keeping me around... but then I wonder if my lack of trust is just my own fear - I've never been able to trust for long and I'm wondering if I'm sabotaging this just when we're so close.
Okay, sorry for the novel, I guess half the point of this is just to get it out of your crazy head? I guess my question is - how do you stand it? How do you maintain the faith of what you have together, and take the day-to-day? How long is too long? I found this board searching for statistics of successful As (numbers don't look good), but wondering how real people stand it???

"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Hi Carried... thanks for the thoughtful reply. I understand your question about the money - it's fair, and I've asked myself that question as I started to realize what kind of family money he had.
Initially we seemed equals in the money-arena, but as our A deepened and we started making concrete plans... he started to reveal this little twist. So, I'm comfortable in knowing that wasn't a factor in my falling in love with him. For now, it's a massive problem, it would be a lot easier if that wasn't a component in his divorce.
All that said, yes, the idea of security is attractive in the future, I'd be lying to myself and you if I didn't admit that - but it's very minor. I'm more of a 'make your own way' kinda gal, and I'm pretty well set on my own.
I am completely in love with him. He is my person, I am his. I see my future with him, bumpy at first, going through a divorce, but I can see the life we can have together. I want to help raise his children and spend my days with him, out in the open, every day.
I'm just working on getting through the low contact days, trying to take the advice to take care of myself. Thanks!
You SOUND normal :-)
I would tell you that after almost three years with my MM (& I am also M) that the limited contact was FREAKING difficult!! My mind wandered constantly as to what he COULD be doing, what he was SAYING to appease her, if the "children" would play a major factor in him STAYING instead of leaving as he had told me.
I did what you did, came to this board and read posts for my own inspiration..looking for "statistics" being so relieved when I saw they were living together and so peeved when things would fall so far from the "happy places". I can only tell you a little bit, stick with it for as long as you possibly can...if he is serious about being WITH you, then when its right for him it will be RIGHT for you BOTH. If you find yourself doubting his intentions..& wanting to give him an ultimatum (1st off come here ask some questions-->see how it plays out here THEN take the advise of these wonderful people.
Its a long tough road ahead a divorce makes it that much more unpleasant but trust in YOU first. If you cant handle it then you have to make your decisions...remember that.
Good luck and keep us posted.