MY STORY....PLEASE HELP
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| Thu, 05-28-2009 - 11:48pm |
Hi everyone i am new here and found this site by chance. I am in the same situation as many of you and dont know what the next step is. I will tell you more about my situation and woud appreciate and help and guidance. I am 27 and married with 3 kids. My H is a good man he takes care of us finacially and is a good father but when it comes to being a husband is fails we dont talk, do anything together or have sex. He pretty much ignores me.
I started having an affair 4 weeks ago with an old boyfriend he was my first love when i was 16 and i never got over him...back then he was wild and not into settling down. I had what was ment to be a one night stand with him for attention and afffection but the problem is we both liked it. So we have been seeing each other everyday since and not just for sex. We really connect and get along and have so much more in common than my H and I. But now im at the point where im ready to leave my husband and start a life with him. But at the same time i dont want to hurt my husband or kids. Then the selfish part of me says that i deserve to be happy too. Someone please give me some advice. Thanks.

My counselor told me about the 10/10/10 rule. How would you feel 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years after the possible consequences of your decisions play out?
I'm wondering about your AP's situation. If he's a MM, it complicates things, even more if he also has kids.
Basically there are only more questions that only you can answer, and the more you can think about them and be honest with yourself, the better off you'll be, no matter what you decide to do.
Even assuming your AP is ready and willing to commit to you in the long term (a big assumption), I think you have to figure out what it would cost you to stay in the marriage vs. walk away - in real terms. How would it feel to pack up your kids' clothes and toys and move out (trust me, it's emotionally harder than you think - I did it) or watch your H move out? How would it feel to explain to your children (obviously not the A, but the moving out part)? How would your support yourself and your children? How will your H react - will he try to punish you in some way (money, custody)? What would your life actually be like, not romanticizing it? How does it compare to where you are now?
And then what kind of person is AP and what would he really be like to live with when he's not trying to impress you? How is he with kids? What are his faults and weaknesses and how do they compare to your H's? Based on his behavior vs. what he has said to you, how is he with money? Is he a slob? Is he lazy? Is he selfish? How would you feel if you left your H for your AP and it didn't work out?
How did things fall apart with your H? How did he contribute to the problems, and what might your AP have in common with him? How might you have contributed, and can you avoid acting out the same behaviors with your AP?
That's only the start. It's a huge thought process that you would do well not to rush. See a counselor you like. Talk it through. 4 weeks isn't much time, and there's a lot in the haze of romance that you can't really focus on right now. If you can put things on hold with your AP until you've done some more thinking, that would help, because the less distracted you are while you're thinking about this stuff, the better. But I'll be honest and say that I didn't take that advice when it was given to me. It does sound like the wise thing to do, though, and the other upside is that if you have things on hold with your AP, your H is less likely to find out before you've figured out how to handle everything. Because if that happens it will get more complicated than you can imagine.
Just don't rush things right now, and try to think as much as you can about true reality and the possible consequences that could come out of the choices you might make. Easier said than done, I know.
Hope that helps. That's my summary of about 10 months in therapy - all for free! :)
MASAlterego
www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com
Hello and welcome.
(small hijack, masalterego, love the name made me smile BIG)...
Lostandlonely...sigh...I can't honestly say that I haven't been where you are. In a marriage that was worse than being alone. Watching my H forgo time with our children and me to drink.
My biggest piece of advice is that IF you are truly ready to leave your marriage, do NOT do it with the expectation that you start a relationship with your AP. IF you are going to leave your marriage leave for yourself. Because YOU will be happier and be a better parent to your three children. Don't put your eggs all into the basket of your AP. You have been with him for four weeks. I am not saying it won't happen..just saying give it time. And separate your marriage ending from your relationship with AP.