my thought s for the day

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Registered: 03-26-2003
my thought s for the day
9
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:17pm
as i was driving into town today i was thinking. why do men and women cheat. yes i know for a variety of reasons. but stop and think. do men cheat for the same reasons as women do? and then why does everyone call it cheating? i know for me i am the one who has been cheated. my H should have been there for me, supported me in my decisions, paid attention to how he treated me. i did not cheat him iand i am not cheating him now. he gets my time,sex, attention, and all the house hold chores done, plus help with the farm and yard. and help with the building of our new house. i think that when it comes to A of the heart. everyone makes this decision for a variety of reasons. i know my MM made his due to his sexual R with his wife. i would be interested to hear why you yourself and your significant other chose to become involved. i vow not to use the word cheat any more.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:50pm
I have had these same thoughts myself. I know MM & I started our involvement due to a lack of emotional support from my H/his W, along with a lack of a physical aspect to his relationship. My H has me as his last priority (if I even make the list). MM has me as his 2nd (his children, rightfully so, come first). Ours was a mutual decision to enjoy life as happiness comes. I don't know remember smiling before MM came into my world.

Key

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:00pm
i agree there are many different variations of cheating. I think for us, we have "relationships" with our MM's & thats a big difference to just plain "cheating" for the sex only with no emotional ties to that person (s). For my MM, its everything, the emotional, sex, attention, support and not to say his W doesnt give him these things because on some low level she does but everything is BORING. Shes there for him as a wife but not a best friend, which we are and all the perks that come with it. I know I left my exH (yes, after I got involved with my MM) because he didnt give me anything emotional & the sex was boring and much more. Everything between me & my MM is exciting. I think a big part of my MM's issues are due to the fact that they got married right outta high school & were literally stuck with each other no matter if they didnt want to be together. We will both admit that when we decided to become involved we had NO IDEA that we would fall in love. And fall in love we did.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:24pm
Hey Babe - I don't like the word "cheat" paired with A's either. But, I had to look the word up, yup with my deskside dictionary (I am so anal, sheesh), and one definition: "practice deceit to gain advantage". That definition describes my actions, but in reality I am not "cheating" my H (since he asked for D). It also describes my MM's actions, but he is not really "cheating" his W (since she is in an EMA herself).

DO men & women cheat for the same reasons? Overall, yes - most are looking for a fullfillment outside the marriage, plain and simple. Whether it be physical or emotional.

But you're right, there are many gray areas as to the actual reason.

JMHO

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 2:25pm
MM and I both chose to become involved because we had both given up on our marriages. Both our spouses have refused couples couseling or single counseling even. Neither one of them are interested in MM's or my sexual satisfaction. MM and I have each initiated new tame sexual games into our relatinships and as a result my H laughed at me and either turned back to his computer or went to watch TV and MM's wife took this introduction as a personal affront and refused to play sexually at all with MM. As far as the emotional needs neither MM and I are able to spark any interest in our spouses. MM's wife spends most of her time at her parents house, in front of the television or in bed. My H spends all of his spare time in front of the computer or the TV. MM and I are the make working entities in our respective marriages. I do all the housekeeping and child care for our DD. I also bring in half of our income at this time (for half of the length of our marriage I have been the sole source of income). MM is the primary source of income for himself and his wife. She does work but comes straight home and does nothing. They have house keepers and MM does much of the cooking. For either MM or I it is so very tiring to be putting all this effort into our homes and families and not get any love, respect or help in return is more than just discouraging. Both of our spouses have talked about divorce and both have decided to stay primarily because they wouldn't be able to continue the standard of living to which they are accoustomed. We bring to each other the emotional, social, and sexual fulfillment which is lacking in our marriages. If it weren't for each other I believe we may have left our marriages already.

TIGERnME
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:15pm
Hey Babe, Great post! Your absolutely right. We both wanted the excitement. MM told me he doesn't see himself as a romeo, but he's sweet and thoughtful, he knows the right things to say. He has a way of looking at me, really looking at me, that blows my doors off. H has never looked at me that way. MM notices my eyes and is always commenting on them, H has never done that either. I've done everything I could for my M for 15 yrs and H has taken it all and given very little in return. A friend suggested that I get out cause she could see that H is sucking the life out of me, and even though I really didn't want to believe it it's true. I guess that's another reason I took the plunge. Blue
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 10:46pm
Hi babe,

Why do we cheat... does sound like such a harsh workd doesn't it?? I have to agree that I was cheated out of so much by DH... I gave him almost everything, did everything... and it wasn't only because I had to... I loved him... and therefore I wanted to. It's one way of showing I love someone.

I never intended to go looking for someone else... then again, most of us didn't... but I'm so glad I found MM in the process. I think in many ways... he saved me from myself more than anything. We were simply online friends with so much in common at the time and it brought us together. The sex come afterwards, I doubt either of us were really looking for it. I have to admit that's what really brought us together. MM originally admitted that's all we were... but I know over the years, my feelings have changed and I feel that his have too.

I know there is more... simple things... like the other day... he can't access hotmail and he is out of the office for the rest of the day. Once apon a time he wouldn't think twice about sending something to me... but not anymore... he will always let me know that he isn't available. I don't ask him to, but he does.

I'm not really answering your question though am I? or maybe I did. Definitely a good friendship to start with and then there's the sex... which I told him I would have given up in a second should it have interferred with our friendship... he is my best friend.

SC

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 7:26am
My MM found me after over 30 years and we started a friendship. Early on he got up the courage to tell me he had always been in love with me but afraid that I might end the connection. Thru e-mails and phone calls the bond grew and I found myself returning to him the feelings he has for me. It seems my husband is the person I should be doing friendship with. I have talked to my husband about the issues I have with our marriage, but in the end, I feel we are incompatible in some ways and that I don't really have a marriage in the true sense. Neither MM or I are in loveless marriages, but something is missing. We are concerned about our spouses, but need each other and feel toward each other a love that we do not feel toward our spouses.

It is not fair to our spouses that MM and I didn't choose each other long ago. Now, we find a connection to each other that never should have been let go of. It was all in the timing. I also think 9/11 has changed the way people think about their lives and why some of us have reconnected.

Incidentally, this is a LDR and I will be seeing him for the second time since last year. We will be talking about how we are going to handle everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:21am
I dont know why MM and I became involved. After 10+ yrs of a friendship with ZERO sexual tension or attraction...we just did it LOL! hahahah


On the deeper side.....my H withdrew from me a long time ago and I guess I withdrew from hi, too. My MM and his W have NO sexual relationship, so I suppose that's why he came looking for me.

Although I KNOW that realisticaly it was a choice, I dont think that MM and I chose to become involved. It just happened one day. We could have stopped after the first time but we didnt/couldnt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 8:31am
wow. Good question. its definitely not for physical reasons. We are both married to young, attractive people and I know my own s-x life is physically satisfying. It must be then that I was lacking emotionally bigtime. I did love H but he has slowly killed it over the years by his actions and words. The sad truth is I married him because I wanted to get married; it was never a huge love. sad, isn't it? So when I felt all these strong feeligns for MM I coudln't resist. I don't know why on his end exactly but for me, he is wonderful. He is caring, sweet, loving - all the things H is not. BUT we are not married. The big question is: if we were, would he become like my H? Woudl this last? He's thinks yes, I think no. What do you think?

Ivy