My usual rant :(

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Registered: 12-31-1969
My usual rant :(
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 9:48am

Here I am with the same freakin problem as usual. Today we are not meeting, because he has a lot of work. I realised that in the past 3-4 weeks, we saw each other 4 times per week, not every day as it used to be. And for less than an hour each time.

I understand that his daughter started school and the school schedule is really difficult, it starts late, finishes early and he has to get her home for a 1.5 hr lunch (!) (because he didn't register her for the babysitting service or whatever it's called in English, since he works from home and is flexible). In addition, it closed twice already. I guess I should still be grateful that he finds time to see me between bringing her back there after lunch and picking her up, which is 2 hours and despite it taking him almost 1 hour to travel back and forth to my place.

Last week, I had another bad surprise: because of high gas prices, he can't go to my place every day anymore. I first freaked out, but last week, gas prices were indeed record high. Our city had the highest prices in the whole country. He said that he could meet half way, in the place were the usually meet when he doesn't have time. Since to meet him, I have to pay 5$ in bus tickets, I offered to give it to him so that he can come here, instead of meeting in a park or a cafe where he still has to spend money. He accepted, eventhough he was visibly uncomfortable and repeated many times that once the prices are back to where they were, he won't take my 5$ anymore. Ok, I understand all this, but now my love life (and sex life) depends on gas prices !

Yesterday, he finally registered his daughter for the dinner service so that he doesn't need to get her home for 1.5 hours every day and I got excited that we'll finally go back to our more "normal" dates. But today he said that he has too much work (and I know he's not lying) and can't meet me. Well, he said that he'll try, but I don't want to count on that.

In the past 2 weeks, he's been saying how in love he was with me. That it was stronger than in the beginning. That he still has the same passion for me. I wasn't even asking, it came from him. He was apologizing for our short "sex sessions". We still have the same great times together and feel close. At the end of next month, he's going to a conference in the US. He wants us to go for 4 days but only registered for one, so that we have the other days just for us. So objectively, he's not showing signs of pulling away, but I still feel destabilized.

Already the outcome of our relationship is uncertain, but at least before, I used to have the certainty of seeing him every day and it's no longer true. What else will come in our way next ? He actually doesn't even tell me in advance that we can't meet, it comes out when I ask. Ok, his projects come unexpectedly, he doesn't always know, I understand, but I feel that I need to count on something solid, not just the love he feels, which is not enough for us to be together.

I know that the only power I have over my life is my deadline, which is March 2012. I'm firm about that and I know that if he doesn't leave her by then, our relationship will simply have no sense to me anymore. But how can I just enjoy and not freak out till then ? I don't want to annoy him anymore with my anxiety, it leads nowhere and it bores me too LOL. 

Benska, createsomething, others, how did you succeed in lasting so long ? I'm dreading these long weekends, because I know I'm going to feel down, no matter what activities I do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
In reply to:
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 10:12am

Annita, I read your posts often.  And I just have to be straight with  you.  Your story is so familiar on here - after years of reading I've lost count of young women just like you.  Same exact story.  Same exact problems.  Same exact progression.  Same exact ending. 

I am not a betting woman but if someone would take my wager I would bet on the day to come when  you are back here, broken-hearted, asking us all WHY you waited so long?  Why you believed him?  Why you wasted so much time on him?  Why you gave your love to someone who didn't come through for you?

I do hope I'm wrong.  I really do.  But I know I'm not.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
In reply to:
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 10:42am

((Sire))   I've gone through the same thoughts & feelings many times.  I knew I wasn't always being logical, and the more I tried to rationalize it, the more anxious and upset I became.  You know he loves you and does his very best to be with you. He's had a lot going on, and I think you know in your heart things will be back to normal soon.  Embrace how you're feeling, no matter how silly you think some of it may be.  Realize that many, many people in an A have felt exactly the same things.  Then agree to put yourself first today - sometimes I'd have to break it down into 10-15 minutes at a time.  It may feel like you're just going through the motions, and the thoughts are still going to pop in there... let them come & pass through you.  

I may sound like I've gone off the deep end here, but during time apart from xAP, what I thought about most was how much time I wasted analyzing things & what I could've accomplished in my own life instead.  I wasn't treating myself with the love & respect I was wanting him to treat me with, so why would he?  It frustrates me, in reading the posts here, how much energy we're all putting in to our AP's & that we show more compassion to others than ourselves.  After meeting AP Weds, I was already right back into thinking too much about things.  So, I'm kind of on a mission right now to stop rowing the boat & let him pick up the dang oars!  Your deadline is NOT your only power.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sat, 09-22-2012 - 1:15pm

I don't know the whole story of your A, but from what I've read here, he seems willing to communicate & is genuinely concerned about your feelings.  Still, it's incredibly hard to trust someone completely in this situation.  I knew xAP loved me, cared about me, would call, but I never learned to trust that because I also felt expendable.  In some ways, I think having your deadline date is adding to that.  I'm not telling you not to have it (!), but it adds to the feeling of the end is looming, hence making you feel insecure that he might already be not going to do what you're hoping for.

I'm happy that you're able to be so open with him - that's HUGE.  I'm not sure there is a "usual" progression.  I can tell you I had a really hard time when my R with AP became comfortable.  Sex wasn't always the goal then, he would ask if he could cancel a get together so he could focus on work, we'd go out & talk more about our day than flirt, etc.  In my mind, I equated it all with being taken for granted, or fizzling out.  But then I found out how much he loved being in that phase of our R because it felt like it wasn't just an A anymore, things became so much better than I ever thought they would be, and the excitement has still never faded.

I wish I knew how to tell you to stop overanalyzing. I do it a lot less than I used to, but it still grips me just as hard when it happens. XAP has always been very understanding and comforting when I've had my freak outs. He had them, too (definitely not as often!). He's dumbfounded that I don't understand after all this time how what I am to him. Deep down I do, but he still is where he is, so...?  :smileyfrustrated: