My usual rant :(
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|Fri, 09-21-2012 - 9:48am|
Here I am with the same freakin problem as usual. Today we are not meeting, because he has a lot of work. I realised that in the past 3-4 weeks, we saw each other 4 times per week, not every day as it used to be. And for less than an hour each time.
I understand that his daughter started school and the school schedule is really difficult, it starts late, finishes early and he has to get her home for a 1.5 hr lunch (!) (because he didn't register her for the babysitting service or whatever it's called in English, since he works from home and is flexible). In addition, it closed twice already. I guess I should still be grateful that he finds time to see me between bringing her back there after lunch and picking her up, which is 2 hours and despite it taking him almost 1 hour to travel back and forth to my place.
Last week, I had another bad surprise: because of high gas prices, he can't go to my place every day anymore. I first freaked out, but last week, gas prices were indeed record high. Our city had the highest prices in the whole country. He said that he could meet half way, in the place were the usually meet when he doesn't have time. Since to meet him, I have to pay 5$ in bus tickets, I offered to give it to him so that he can come here, instead of meeting in a park or a cafe where he still has to spend money. He accepted, eventhough he was visibly uncomfortable and repeated many times that once the prices are back to where they were, he won't take my 5$ anymore. Ok, I understand all this, but now my love life (and sex life) depends on gas prices !
Yesterday, he finally registered his daughter for the dinner service so that he doesn't need to get her home for 1.5 hours every day and I got excited that we'll finally go back to our more "normal" dates. But today he said that he has too much work (and I know he's not lying) and can't meet me. Well, he said that he'll try, but I don't want to count on that.
In the past 2 weeks, he's been saying how in love he was with me. That it was stronger than in the beginning. That he still has the same passion for me. I wasn't even asking, it came from him. He was apologizing for our short "sex sessions". We still have the same great times together and feel close. At the end of next month, he's going to a conference in the US. He wants us to go for 4 days but only registered for one, so that we have the other days just for us. So objectively, he's not showing signs of pulling away, but I still feel destabilized.
Already the outcome of our relationship is uncertain, but at least before, I used to have the certainty of seeing him every day and it's no longer true. What else will come in our way next ? He actually doesn't even tell me in advance that we can't meet, it comes out when I ask. Ok, his projects come unexpectedly, he doesn't always know, I understand, but I feel that I need to count on something solid, not just the love he feels, which is not enough for us to be together.
I know that the only power I have over my life is my deadline, which is March 2012. I'm firm about that and I know that if he doesn't leave her by then, our relationship will simply have no sense to me anymore. But how can I just enjoy and not freak out till then ? I don't want to annoy him anymore with my anxiety, it leads nowhere and it bores me too LOL.
Benska, createsomething, others, how did you succeed in lasting so long ? I'm dreading these long weekends, because I know I'm going to feel down, no matter what activities I do....