My (very long) story...

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Registered: 06-02-2009
My (very long) story...
6
Tue, 06-02-2009 - 6:11pm

I’ve been lurking here for a long time (off and on for a year) and finally got up the courage to post. This is going to be long, so brace yourselves.

I got married just out of college to my best friend. There was another man in the mix during my college years and we had had a hotter, heavier relationship, but it just wasn’t meant to be. DH balanced me out. This other guy accentuated all my worst qualities, which was exciting and goooooood but so wrong because if I stayed with him I probably would have never graduated (he never did even though he was probably certifiably a genius). I used to kid that if we ever got married we’d end up living in a trailer park on welfare and this is probably too true. I carried a torch for the other guy for a very long time – years into my marriage. There are remnants of it still there every once in a while, but for the most part it’s dead.

I had what I thought was a great marriage. We did everything together – even grocery shopping. He was the only person I could be with 24/7 without driving me mental. As I said, he was my best friend. We were both young and successful and we had a great life together. The problem was there was no passion and there really never was – except for the very beginning before we were married and 18 and ANY sex was exciting…. I never really even liked kissing him. There was just no chemistry in that department, but in the non-physical department it was great. We could finish each others’ sentences. We never argued and I always figured so what if the physical thing wasn’t there? That’s always going to fade eventually and did it really matter in the long run? I didn’t long for it or seek it out. I was fine without it… or so I thought.

What I didn’t realize was how completely emotionally dependent DH was on me. He had no friends: ZERO. We had mutual friends in college but it was always only me who kept in touch. He wasn’t close to anyone else but me – he wasn’t even close to anyone in his family even though his family seemed incredibly tight with each other (and they always joked about him being so private). His family obviously loved him and he them in a certain way, but he told me once that if he never saw them again he probably wouldn’t be devastated; all he needed was me.

I had friends who I liked to go out and do things with. Sometimes I would bring DH along but eventually I stopped because it was always obvious that he’d rather stay home (and if he had his way he’d rather I spend all my time with him, though he never complained; I just sensed it). Out of guilt I limited the time I spent with friends. For a long time I thought I was somehow wrong because I needed other people in my life besides him.

Regardless, this seemed like a small thing in my eyes. He “put up with it” with it and we still had great times together. I always figured that if this was our biggest issue, we were lucky (and I guess we were in a lot of respects). I was fine. Life was good for 13 years.

And then I met “him”… he was a coworker but he worked in an overseas office and came to the states about once a month. The DAY that I met him something clicked (later I would find that it was mutual). I never looked at other men before. I just wasn’t interested, but there was something about him that completely drew my attention. We had a totally platonic work relationship for many months. He was in a long term relationship and engaged and I wasn’t looking for anything, but one night at an office event we had been drinking and the truth came out. What’s funny is it wasn’t any sort of truth that either of us was consciously hiding. It was a truth that was buried down deep inside that neither of us realized until that night. We just had this strange magnetic connection that couldn’t be explained and until that point, all of it was subconscious. We did have a phenomenal working relationship – as a team we were something to be reckoned with, but that was work…. It wasn’t until much later that we both realized that since we first met, whenever we were in the same room, there was this draw and realization of where the other person was even when we weren’t anywhere near each other.

Anyway, things stayed platonic that night as well. Neither of us was even contemplating anything. We had acknowledged an attraction, but neither of us was available and that was essentially that.

He flew home and then we started chatting more online with each other and things quickly got out of hand and an emotional affair started within a matter of days (though we didn’t recognize it as such at the time). And then a month later we were both slated to go on a business trip together (meeting in a separate country than either of ours) and the physical affair began. It was like neither of us was able to stop it. Logically neither of us wanted it, but it would have taken the will of a god to stop it. And it was phenomenal. You know how the first night is usually somewhat awkward – especially with someone you don’t know very well? Well, there was no awkwardness and we ended up falling asleep in each others’ arms like some sort of sickening chick flick – something that I never do because I always need “my space” when I sleep.

So, the full blown affair started. He would visit The States about once a month and since I traveled a lot for work I would just tell DH that I was traveling and stay with AP in his hotel (more often than not DH was traveling as well anyway). And those days were just pure magic. I found myself doing sh*t I NEVER EVER in a million years thought I would do. I’m a straight-forward, no-nonsense business executive, but yet we could sit in a restaurant and hold hands across the table like teenagers and look at each other so intensely that the wait staff would get embarrassed for interrupting us. I HATE PDA, but yet I had no issue making out with him in front of 100’s of strangers in the middle of the city.

This went on for several months until job cuts shut down his office. He was in the states when we found out and my god that was probably one of the worst days of our lives. Neither of us had planned for something like that. Both of us were in blissful denial thinking we could keep it up for at least another year or so and still keep our other relationships in tact…. But no more.

We both lamented together, and cried together, but at that point neither of us was willing to jeopardize our other relationships. So we pulled ourselves up out of our misery and decided to have a great last day together and focus on the good things and for the most part we were able to do that.

The next morning (the day he was flying home) we were in the shower together and he was down on his knees washing me. He looked up and told me that under any other circumstances he would have asked me to marry him…

And so he went home and we continued the EA.
A month later I was found out. DH knew something was wrong. We had been becoming distant for a while (before the A) but so slowly that neither of us really noticed (like the frog in the water analogy – if you put a frog in water and slowly turn up the heat one degree at a time he won’t jump out and will end up boiling himself to death). Obviously the distance started to grow faster when I started my A, but both of us traveled a lot for our jobs and I figured I could hide it well. Obviously I couldn’t. At this point I could have lied and not told DH about the affair and ended things and tried to move on, but I just couldn’t. I had found what I wanted and I knew (or at least thought I knew) that now that I knew what I was missing I would always be seeking it out, even if my A didn’t pan out.

(Side note: I’ve always been one of those people who never wanted kids. I never really liked kids (other than those related to me) and I just never felt that “urge” to have them. So now, I’m 37 and I’ve probably got at best another 5 years left to decide (at worst, I may not have any) and with DH I never felt my clock ticking, but with my AP, I could totally see having and raising kids with him…. Scientifically this might be significant. Maybe DH and I were just never genetically compatible. Maybe all he ever was supposed to be was a dear friend and I screwed that all up… I don’t know. I guess it’s something to think about.)

Regardless, DH wanted to work things out. He was perfectly willing to forgive and forget, but I just couldn’t do it. It was so incredibly strange. He blamed himself and not me. He thought that he had done something to drive me away. Honestly I would have so much rather he hated me and blamed me. It would have been so much easier.

DH moved out to give me “space” soon after D-Day but I know he was hoping I’d come back around and realize what I had done and run back to him. I never did. I tried to keep him in my life for a while. What’s interesting is that we had some of the best and deepest conversations during those weeks after D-Day that we’ve ever had but yet I still did not want him back. However, he wanted me back so badly and I realized that it was hurting him and he wasn’t going to be able to let go or mourn properly if we kept in touch. I had hoped to keep some sort of “friendship” but that wasn’t going to happen, at least not anytime soon…. I killed him emotionally and I felt (and feel) like the worst person in the world. I kept on thinking if I was a better person I’d suck it up and deal even if I wasn’t getting everything I needed/wanted in the relationship. I was OK with it – even content with it – for 13 years. Why should that change now? But the fact of the matter is that things had changed. It’s the Marxist theory of oppression – as soon as an oppressed person sees a glimpse of something better they will revolt and fight to get it… Ignorance was bliss, but I wasn’t ignorant anymore.

So to add to the soap opera of my life, AP was slated to get married a month after my marriage ended. He kept telling me he couldn’t “disappoint” all the people in his life and he had to go through with the wedding and then try and sort out his sh*t afterwards. He had been with his GF for 6 years (and through some major things, like the death of her mother, etc.). They owned a house together. They were, for all intents and purposes, married already. Regardless, I told him time and again that it would get harder, not easier, after they were legally married, but he was deaf to any sort of reason.

I know it’s cliché to say and feel this (and often delusional), but I held on because I knew he loved me. I knew he felt the same way as I did. I knew that what we had was special. And yes, I’ve read all the books. I know that most people think these things and are wrong.

A couple months after he got married we saw each other again for a week (yes, right after he got married he came back to me – I know how snake-ish this is) and then things settled back into the EA for several months until I was becoming a raving harpy pressing him to make a decision now that his marriage was behind him and he didn’t have that as an excuse. But….with our relationship it gets even more complicated since we don’t live in the same country. He’s never lived more than an hour away from his family. All his friends are there. I’m used to moving around and making new friends. I’ve lived on the opposite coast from my family. If we ever were to get together it would make the most sense for me to move to him. However, he lives in a country where English is not the national language. Most people speak English there, but it would still be difficult for me professionally, so his assumption has always been that he’d have to leave his country, his family, and his friends to be with me, which makes breaking away even more difficult.

Well, finally a week before Christmas, he told his wife (great timing, eh?) and all hell broke loose. As soon as he told her he panicked and tried to hold onto her and over the course of a week he was making promises to her that he’d end things with me.
So to make a long story less long, he couldn’t end things with me and our EA continued. He and his wife settled into a strange sort of platonic relationship. They live together but they don’t sleep in the same room (I know that this is often a lie that men tell, but in this case I know it’s not a lie) and then they both started going to therapy (separately – not marriage counseling) so that they could each determine what they wanted in life (and whether they wanted to stay in their relationship). She’s obviously sticking it out for him to make his decision, so we are both (she and I) really in the same boat. I do realize that ultimately even if he decides to finally end things with his wife it doesn’t necessarily mean things will work out with us… if/when he makes that decision the plan would be to take things slowly and finally be able to ‘date’ each other like normal people.

So it’s coming up on their one year anniversary. He’s rounding out his therapy. Things seem promising. It seems to be helping. He’s gotten over his “fear” of disappointing people, which is why he got married in the first place, but now he needs to get over his fear of losing something. He realizes that he hangs onto both me and his wife (half-assedly on both sides) because he can’t let go of anyone (which his therapist ties back to childhood things that created a fear of abandonment). His therapist actually told him that he needs to “grow up” and make a decision already. Interestingly enough, both his therapist and his best friend (the only other person in his life that knows about us) have told him that perhaps his wife just isn’t right for him and perhaps we (he and I) are just more compatible (and his best friend really likes his wife and has never met me).

(Side note: one thing that makes things incredibly difficult for me is that he’s never painted his wife in a bad light, which I know is not normal. He honestly loves her the way that I love DH. He never bad mouths her. He only talks about what is lacking in their relationship and even then there is no “blame” on her. This fact obviously makes it more difficult for me. If I thought she was a raving bitch then it would make me feel like less of a terrible person…)

Anyway, it seems that he’s coming to the end of his journey in “finding” himself. There’s still no guarantee that he’s going to choose to be with me and he’s never made me any promises (which I also know is not typical). He’s focusing on healing himself first. His adamant that he wants to figure out what drove him to do all the things he did and he doesn’t want to start a new relationship until he knows these things because when he commits to anyone again he wants it to be forever. I know is the right thing for him to do, but it’s taking its toll on me.

Some days I wonder why I’m hanging on. Right now I don’t have anything (i.e., anyone) else going on, so in some respects I’ve got nothing but time, but OTOH I need to be able to move on with my life. It’s just that I *KNOW* that we are great together and I just have this feeling that if I don’t stick this out until the end that I’ll regret it…

But then other days I often wonder if I feel it because I know it or if I know it because I feel it – if that makes any sense. And If I’m really not feeling it and if I’m really just hanging on because it’s all I’ve known for the past couple of years, then it is time to let go…

Anyway, I’m not really looking for any advice. I suspect this will all be over and done with before the end of the summer. I just wanted to tell my story. Maybe some of you can relate and give me advice (which is welcome - another point of view is always welcome, especially since I have a personality issue that always makes me feel like I always know best even when I don't). Maybe some of you can relate and just tell me your story...

But you know – the thing about it is, is that any ending will be a happy one because I need to make it so… I just need to have the strength to do it (which I realize is better said than done).

But if you’ve come to the end of you story and you’re interested, I’ll let you all know how it pans out.

Take care you guys. Everyone deserves happiness, but it’s a journey and you need to find it.

Edited 6/2/2009 6:28 pm ET by samiamiamiam




Edited 6/2/2009 6:31 pm ET by samiamiamiam
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Registered: 11-12-2008
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 10:47am
I couldnt make it to the end,sorry!! But stick around ,someone will help you out.
Avatar for momtb4
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 4:31pm

when you said very long, you weren't kidding. I didn't read the whole thing, either, but enough to get the primary story. I'll read it all again this evening, when I'm less pressed for time. But you did say this:

"I kept on thinking if I was a better person I’d suck it up and deal even if I wasn’t getting everything I needed/wanted in the relationship. I was OK with it – even content with it – for 13 years. Why should that change now? But the fact of the matter is that things had changed. It’s the Marxist theory of oppression – as soon as an oppressed person sees a glimpse of something better they will revolt and fight to get it… Ignorance was bliss, but I wasn’t ignorant anymore."

and I sat here wondering how you got in my head! OMG this is exactly how I feel about my own marriage. although I haven't been content for a few years now, I was OK with the state of my marriage for far too long. I can remember wanting to leave a few years ago, but staying because staying was better than leaving. Staying in the known was better than taking a chance on the unknown. Now, I'm on the other side of that, and going and being alone for the rest of my life would be better than living in a marriage that leaves me so unhappy, without an ounce of passion or affection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
Wed, 06-03-2009 - 7:39pm
I'm not looking for help, really. I know it's a novel, but just writing it was cathartic enough and I thought perhaps some of you could relate, even if it's just to parts of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2008
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 4:12pm

I am usually on the EAS Board (ended my A of a year in December) but felt compelled to reply to your post since I found a lot of similarities between us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 5:16pm

I kept on thinking if I was a better person I’d suck it up and deal even if I wasn’t getting everything I needed/wanted in the relationship. I was OK with it – even content with it – for 13 years. Why should that change now? But the fact of the matter is that things had changed.


Think of it this way... You

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2009
Thu, 06-04-2009 - 7:33pm
Do you really think that the ONLY reason he married his W was because he didn't want to let her down? Do you think that is the only reason he would stay with her? He had the perfect opportunity to leave her and be with you before he was M, and he made the decision to be with her. I don't want to be mean, I am just curious at how you are looking at all this. Aren't you very jealous of them being together?

I also think that this must be a huge ego boost for him, having two girls waiting for him to make his decision.

What will happen if he picks her? Would you be able to go NC or would you continue to have a relationship with him? And do you think you would go back with your H?

Do you think that if your AP picks you, he wouldn't be doing to you what he did to his now W? Would you ever be able to trust him?

actually the reason he married his W had more to do with the fact that he didn't want to disappoint his family, her family, and their friends - he seemed to hold more value in "what would people think?", which he's addressing.



if he chooses his wife, he'll be choosing his life, not her. he recognizes this, but regardless it's possible that he's never going to be strong enough to want to leave everything that's familiar to him for something that may or may not work out. neither of us is naive enough to think that if he were to make the jump we'd automatically live happily ever after.



but yes if he does decide to stick it out with her then it will have to be NC. i wasn't at a point before where i could do it, but i know that i am now.



no - i'd never go back with H.



trust - yes actually i think that i can trust him. he's gone to great lengths to figure himself out and what motivates and drives him. though trust is something that needs to develop, especially under these circumstances and as i said, if he chose leave his wife we'd have to work at things to see if we really are meant to be.... but besides that both of us are cheaters, so the question is also - can he trust me and more importantly, can i trust myself?