NC is making me nuts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
NC is making me nuts!
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:44am

On Thursday my AP sent me an email saying he was "having a hard time" and that it was "out of scope" for us - and went NC.  Yesterday I saw him briefly at a work event and he said hi, then he was gone the rest of the day.

I didn't email him all weekend, but after I saw him yesterday I sent a quick note, asking him if he was leaving for the day - no answer.

I'm so upset!!!  It's killing me.

Plus last night H and I had a 3 hour conversation about where we are going and what's happening, and I know what H wanted to hear, that I loved him and appreciated him and was committed to our marriage but I couldn't say anything, it's like I was paralyzed.  I am more upset that I haven't heard from AP than the conversation with my H.

This morning there were three work emails from AP regarding a meeting we were supposed to both be at today, he said he "hasn't been feeling so hot" and won't be in, but was really looking forward to the meeting and would I please raise his issues on his behalf?  I feel like saying no, I need an explination, what's going on? But I don't know. 

It's killing me - this no contact, not talking thing.  I'm feeling so incredibly lonely and upset about it.  And H senses I'm upset, but thinks it's about him, and we have been fighting or having issues all weekend, and he felt like I was mean to him when we went out to dinner with friends on Saturday. 

All weekend I kept thinking back to our last physical contact (in September) while we were away, and it was just incredible.  I was thinking for a while that I could give it up, and be the good wife, but I don't know.  I couldn't do what I do without my H in terms of my professional career, and I just can't imagine going through a divorce.  I feel very stuck between a rock and a hard place.  Have you survived this?  How did you do it?  What happened?

I work with women who have almost all been divorced, but can't ask them why or what happened.  I'm feeling very isolated - I don't have any IRL friends to turn too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 7:44pm

Sunrise, sorry you are going through a hard time! I am currently very angry with AP right now, on the verge of completely telling him off...and what helps me get through NC is to think about all the times he hasn't been there for me b/c of some lame excuse, etc. and maybe this isn't the most mature way to deal with things, but I think about things I don't like about him or times he's let me down and try to think about ways I am strong, and also start to think, if this is the way he treats me now, would I really want a relationship with him anyway? Another thing that helps is finding anything to immerse yourself into...whether's it join a new club, find an addicting tv show, etc. etc. just anything where you can take your mind off of AP. It sounds a bit cheesy, but think of the things you like about yourself, or do something for yourself you really enjoy, even if it's simple like having a glass of wine. The important thing is to treat yourself well and do not beat yourself up over is crazy that we let these guys have so much power over us and our emotions...I don't know how it happens, but it sucks.

As someone going through a divorce, I understand the isolation of wishing you had someone to talk to about the AP/marriage problems. I know a lot of people on this board suggest therapy, but that's not always cheap, so  self-help books or blogs can be helpful, I know lots of people on this board like this blog:

I hope things get better for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 10:53am
Thank you Collect_Call, I appreciate the response. It's just so hard - I want to talk to him so badly. I didn't end up emailing yesterday (we've cut off all other forms other than phone, so no BBM/text/iMessage, etc) and so far today I haven't. I'll admit, when I went to his building for a meeting this morning it was so tempting to go up to his floor and see if he was there but I didn't. When I'm really busy at work or home it's not too bad, but those "down" times - driving in the car, or when things at work are not quite as intense, it's so hard. Especially when I read or hear something that I'd like to share with him. Therapy is something I'm in, but so far it's been more damage control lately to make sure I don't completely fall apart with the whole AP situation than talking about long term decisions. Thanks for the blog recommendation!