NC or not to NC ????

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
NC or not to NC ????
8
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 12:10pm
Hi all! I’m mostly a lurker but I’m posting today because I could use some advice. Here’s my situation. I’m an MW in an 8 month, long distance, emotional A with an MM who I’ll call MF (My Friend). We met online and have gone from email, to phone calls and finally to spending some time together in person (no sex or anything like that – although we are attracted to each other). He’s my best friend and I’m his. We understand each other better than we understand ourselves. I care for him very deeply and he feels the same for me.

About three months ago MF’s W went snooping through his computer and found some email that he forgot to delete. She was very upset and demanded that we have no contact. We didn’t completely go NC, but we did cut way back on our contact. That was an incredibly painful time for both of us. We missed each other terribly. At the same time, his W’s anger was understandable (their relationship isn’t great to begin with) and he needed time to allow the situation to calm down, plus time to sort through his own feelings. Gradually after about a month and a half or so we started emailing and talking more and more until things were more or less back to the way they were before.

Then it happened again. Arrrggh!!! MF got careless about deleting a chat log and his W went snooping and found it. He managed to talk his way out of the situation (deny, deny, deny LOL!!!) and everything is apparently OK. But he has decided he needs to cut back on our contact. He has some serious thinking to do in regards to his M and probably in regards to me as well. I understand this. But quite frankly, I’m not sure I can go through it again. Although he doesn’t email me any more (we used to email several times a day) he does still call me. But the calls are brief and, aside from saying he misses me and loves me, very superficial. It’s the kind of chat I might have with my neighbor. I thought that any contact from him would be reassuring. Instead what I’m finding is that it HURTS. I hate that I can’t really contact him. I hate that when he contacts me we can’t really talk. I find myself thinking that maybe we’d be better off to cut all contact for a bit. The idea of not communicating breaks my heart. But continuing on this way breaks my heart too.

So here are my questions. Has anyone been through something similar? Have you found periods of NC to be helpful or did it cause more hurt than help? If I go with NC, should I email him and tell him that I want to take some time off? Or should I just make myself unavailable for a few days? I’m afraid that if I email him he will read too much into it and misunderstand my intentions (i.e. feel abandoned, feel I want a permanent end, etc.). At the same time I don’t feel it is fair to simply disappear on him, especially when I told him how hard it was when he disappeared on me. Still, if we’re just talking a few days then it wouldn’t be a major disappearing act. What do you think?

Sorry this got so long and that I have so many questions! I really appreciate your taking the time to read and any suggestions/advice will be valued. Thanks!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 01-29-2004 - 2:01pm

hi goingbonkers -- and aren't we all going bonkers here!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 9:02am
Thanks Gurl! I really appreciate your thoughts about this. I emailed MF yesterday and told him we should take the rest of the week off. He has backed way off on our contact anyway, might as well go the rest of the way for a few days. Maybe it will help him figure out how he feels. As for me, I felt really empowered when I emailed him - for about 10 minutes. Then I felt sad because I don't really WANT to have NC - it just seems like the best thing to do. But then I thought about what you wrote about why should he have all the options - it isn't right that he seems to be the one calling all the shots here. But then I thought that he was at least trying to stay in touch because he knew it was important to me so maybe I'm being too harsh in wanting more than that from him. But then I thought I'd rather not talk for a few days and then hopefully be able to move on one way or another then go on like this indefinitely. And then I realized... I'm not GOING bonkers - I actually WENT bonkers months ago! LOL!!!!!

Anyway, I'm trying like heck to stay strong and stick with NC for the next few days. It's what I asked for, right? Then why in the heck am I so tempted to call him? Arrrggh!!!

OK - enough rambling from me. Thanks again! Hope you have a good day!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 9:20am

omg girl, you just articulated every thought we have on this board when we're in the NC phase!!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:38am
I just wanted to suggest to you that the wife discovering an email or online correspondence is a standard routine used by men when they want to taper off or hold off contact until the time is right or when they want to end it completely. I have heard this excuse before. That way the OW doesn't get hurt as opposed to him straightly coming out and telling you that he was rethinking his relationship with you. Also the wife supposedly knowing what's happening makes you alarmed too and you lie low. So be skeptic about the excuse he has given you.

I think you should completely go NC and not receive the superficial calls he makes to you. Appear busy and behave as if you are having a wonderful life without him. That serves two purposes. First of all, you do start enjoying your life W/O him and secondly he gets intrigued and comes running back and you accept him or kick him out (whatever you want at that time).

Men need to make as much as an effort as women to get a relationship going. If its only you doing all the chasing, back off.......he doesn't deserve the attention you shower on him.

Philly Girl

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 10:47am


wow philly - you said it! the last few comments are right on...and I will try to follow them! *wink*

I'm not in this situation, but your words resinate with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 11:31am
Thanks Phillygirl! I appreciate your insights. While I do not think MF is lying to me about his W, I do have moments where I wonder if he is careless because he actually WANTS to get caught (subconsciously or otherwise). Their relationship is strained and he holds back with her and refuses to tell her when he is angry until something really major happens. Then they have a major blow-out and air all their issues at once. I also think in this most recent situation, it is doubling as a convenient excuse for him to back things down a bit with me. MF and I get along so well - we really are best friends - but things have been somewhat strained lately and I haven't been able to figure out why. So using this episode as an excuse to back away makes perfect sense. I have always been honest with MF and I've asked him to be honest with me. I think he tries, but he is very afraid of hurting me. (Not sure how he thinks he hurts me any less by pulling away... but whatever!) Anyway, thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me. It helps to have someone who understands the situation to take a look from the outside.

Thanks to you too Gurl! Think clearly??? You gotta be kidding! LOL!!! The only clear thought I've had so far today is whether it would be OK to have a margarita with lunch. After all, it's 5:00 somewhere, right??? LOL!!! As a side note, MF actually responded to my email. Seeing as he hasn't emailed me in a week, I was rather surprised. I haven't written back. Think I'll just let him ponder on it. Hmmm... Do you think maybe it would be easier if we switched from riding the rollercoaster to riding the ferris wheel??? At least then the ups and downs would be predictable... LOL!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 2:33pm

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Fri, 01-30-2004 - 4:02pm
Thanks again Gurl! I can't begin to express what a relief it is to be able to "talk" about this with someone who understands!!!

As for not responding, well I managed to hold off for a while but eventually I did reply. (I'm not that good at this NC stuff am I?) In my original email yesterday I had told him not to call, but didn't say he couldn't write. (OK, let me re-phrase that. I'm REALLY not good at this NC stuff. LOL!!!) But my reply didn't have any words - he sent me sad faces and I sent them back. We're only communicating in pictogram form. So it isn't NC but it isn't talking either. LOL!!! (I gotta laugh about these things because it is better than crying.)

Anyway, that will be it for this week. The weekend will be strictly NC. Thankfully DH is a really great guy. (He knows about my friendship with MF - although not the depth of the feelings involved.) So I'll spend the weekend involved with my family (or trying not to be driven crazy by my family, depending on how stir crazy everyone gets) and I'll let the dust settle on this situation. We'll see what next week brings - hopefully better things.

Thanks again. And good luck with your situation as well - I've been reading the posts and I know you've got some issues you are working through. Hang tough!!! And have a great weekend!

GB2