NC or not to NC ????
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| Thu, 01-29-2004 - 12:10pm |
About three months ago MF’s W went snooping through his computer and found some email that he forgot to delete. She was very upset and demanded that we have no contact. We didn’t completely go NC, but we did cut way back on our contact. That was an incredibly painful time for both of us. We missed each other terribly. At the same time, his W’s anger was understandable (their relationship isn’t great to begin with) and he needed time to allow the situation to calm down, plus time to sort through his own feelings. Gradually after about a month and a half or so we started emailing and talking more and more until things were more or less back to the way they were before.
Then it happened again. Arrrggh!!! MF got careless about deleting a chat log and his W went snooping and found it. He managed to talk his way out of the situation (deny, deny, deny LOL!!!) and everything is apparently OK. But he has decided he needs to cut back on our contact. He has some serious thinking to do in regards to his M and probably in regards to me as well. I understand this. But quite frankly, I’m not sure I can go through it again. Although he doesn’t email me any more (we used to email several times a day) he does still call me. But the calls are brief and, aside from saying he misses me and loves me, very superficial. It’s the kind of chat I might have with my neighbor. I thought that any contact from him would be reassuring. Instead what I’m finding is that it HURTS. I hate that I can’t really contact him. I hate that when he contacts me we can’t really talk. I find myself thinking that maybe we’d be better off to cut all contact for a bit. The idea of not communicating breaks my heart. But continuing on this way breaks my heart too.
So here are my questions. Has anyone been through something similar? Have you found periods of NC to be helpful or did it cause more hurt than help? If I go with NC, should I email him and tell him that I want to take some time off? Or should I just make myself unavailable for a few days? I’m afraid that if I email him he will read too much into it and misunderstand my intentions (i.e. feel abandoned, feel I want a permanent end, etc.). At the same time I don’t feel it is fair to simply disappear on him, especially when I told him how hard it was when he disappeared on me. Still, if we’re just talking a few days then it wouldn’t be a major disappearing act. What do you think?
Sorry this got so long and that I have so many questions! I really appreciate your taking the time to read and any suggestions/advice will be valued. Thanks!!!

hi goingbonkers -- and aren't we all going bonkers here!!
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
Anyway, I'm trying like heck to stay strong and stick with NC for the next few days. It's what I asked for, right? Then why in the heck am I so tempted to call him? Arrrggh!!!
OK - enough rambling from me. Thanks again! Hope you have a good day!
GB2
omg girl, you just articulated every thought we have on this board when we're in the NC phase!!
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
I think you should completely go NC and not receive the superficial calls he makes to you. Appear busy and behave as if you are having a wonderful life without him. That serves two purposes. First of all, you do start enjoying your life W/O him and secondly he gets intrigued and comes running back and you accept him or kick him out (whatever you want at that time).
Men need to make as much as an effort as women to get a relationship going. If its only you doing all the chasing, back off.......he doesn't deserve the attention you shower on him.
Philly Girl
wow philly - you said it! the last few comments are right on...and I will try to follow them! *wink*
I'm not in this situation, but your words resinate with me.
Thanks to you too Gurl! Think clearly??? You gotta be kidding! LOL!!! The only clear thought I've had so far today is whether it would be OK to have a margarita with lunch. After all, it's 5:00 somewhere, right??? LOL!!! As a side note, MF actually responded to my email. Seeing as he hasn't emailed me in a week, I was rather surprised. I haven't written back. Think I'll just let him ponder on it. Hmmm... Do you think maybe it would be easier if we switched from riding the rollercoaster to riding the ferris wheel??? At least then the ups and downs would be predictable... LOL!!!!
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
As for not responding, well I managed to hold off for a while but eventually I did reply. (I'm not that good at this NC stuff am I?) In my original email yesterday I had told him not to call, but didn't say he couldn't write. (OK, let me re-phrase that. I'm REALLY not good at this NC stuff. LOL!!!) But my reply didn't have any words - he sent me sad faces and I sent them back. We're only communicating in pictogram form. So it isn't NC but it isn't talking either. LOL!!! (I gotta laugh about these things because it is better than crying.)
Anyway, that will be it for this week. The weekend will be strictly NC. Thankfully DH is a really great guy. (He knows about my friendship with MF - although not the depth of the feelings involved.) So I'll spend the weekend involved with my family (or trying not to be driven crazy by my family, depending on how stir crazy everyone gets) and I'll let the dust settle on this situation. We'll see what next week brings - hopefully better things.
Thanks again. And good luck with your situation as well - I've been reading the posts and I know you've got some issues you are working through. Hang tough!!! And have a great weekend!
GB2