NC over the Holidays

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
NC over the Holidays
11
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:51am
I am very much in love with MM...I am single. We used to work together but I quit because rumours were causing problems and he was up for big promotion. I also thought leaving would help me as well. So he just got his promotion and he makes even more time for me then ever. BUT the holidays and all the parties and dinners and plans kept reminding me that I am 2ND PLACE....she gets to go to functions and wake up with him on Christmas. If he REALLY loves me then we should be together....but there are kids (A stepson and a 1 year old). If he left he would have no rights to stepson that he's raised for 8 years.

SO I told him yesterday I wanted a break...atleast through the holidays. No calls, no lunches, visits...NOTHING. He said he understood. So it's day 2....of nothing. For the last 1 1/2 years we have seen each other every day somehow..even if only for a hug at a gas station...and we talk atleast 3-5 times EVERY day. But I'm not all that upset...almost relieved. I feel guilty about that. I HONESTLY, truly love this man and believe he's the love of my life---so why aren't I upset?

I am so confused...if it's easy to get through the next 3 weeks with NC...then should I make it forever?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 2:01pm
My hats off to you,:)! That is so hard to do, at least, for me.

It sucks that she gets all the benifits. I don't like it myself at all. And everytime I think about it gets me upset sooo I try, try being the key word, not to think about it. Unfortunately, that's one, of many, of the bad side.

Don't feel bad that you are "OK" with it. That's great you intiated the NC for a bit. The holdays are very hard on those of us in these A's.

But why would you want to make it forever, if things are great?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 2:43pm
Well sunshine, things are great as far as I found the love of my life, we are perfect together, he's my soulmate, he loves me the same way I love him...IT'S ALL GREAT except he married someone else and they have kids. Even though they are not IN love, he obviously loves her or he'd be gone right???

He swares it's his kids....but I find it hard to believe that someone could sleep in the same bed with someone else and share ALL the main things in life--like holidays if they didn't love them. SO I am left alone on Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years Eve....if he REALLY REALLY loved me would kids really stop him from being with me?

I've never been married nor do I have kids so it's easy to doubt everything. In MY opinion you do WHATEVER it takes to be with the ones you love....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 3:12pm
"In MY opinion you do WHATEVER it takes to be with the ones you love...." -- Your MM IS doing whatever it takes to be with the ones he loves -- his kids. He is having an A to ease the strain (or whatever's lacking in his marriage) and give him the "pick-me-up" he needs to keep things going in his marriage and keep his family unit together.

He may love you, but believe me; he will always love his children and the idea of his family (his wife is part of that family unit) more. Well, maybe not always (never say never), but that bond is incredibly hard to break. I'm not trying to be harsh, but until you've had children, you will never understand the power of that love -- it comes before anything and everything else.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 3:33pm
I AGREE.that's WHY I am doing what I am doing.

IF he loved me he'd be with me......

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 3:51pm
Ï agree, if two people love eachother NOTHING can stand in their way, but again i don't have kids either. I do agree with some things the other ladies have said, that if he has kids, and a wife that that bond is nearly impossible to break, and yeah whatever is lacking in his marriage isn't enough to make him leave her or not sleep next to her, or with her every night. There is something that is keeping him there, and unless they are sleeping in separate beds and leading really separate lives, we have to accept they that love these women, ( me I am a wife that is loved) and that they are staying with them cause they WANT To be. OW and OM are just things to relieve everyday stress, and problems, but by no means an easy replacement for a W or H. Hope this helps,

NC is hard.. i am the queen of NC going from strong as iron days to blubbering marshmallow days.. but in the end, I try to believe that if something is meant to be it will be... and if not, life goes on, no matter how much you love someone.. its so hard to imagine, but i try to tell myself that.-

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 4:17pm
livin

He probably really does love you too, but he made a commitment; a commitment with children involved and that's a bond that's just heart-wrenching for a parent to break (no matter how much he loves you). I'm sorry; I know this has got to be very rough. I have a lot of respect for you going with the NC (especially over the holidays).

Hang in there,

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 4:28pm
>>In MY opinion you do WHATEVER it takes to be with the ones you love....>>

He IS doing whatever it takes to be with the ones he loves.....HIS CHILDREN!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 5:35pm
I have to agree with the posts. It's hard to leave the kids.

Let's say he were to leave his kids. His 2 little ones he loves and adores. Don't you

think that would have a affect on the relationship with you?

Don't you think the W could cause havoc knowing he left to be with you? The best way to get back would be to use the kids. And some people are like that, unfortunately.

It's possible to sleep in the same bed and not love that other person. I know my ex-husband and I did for many years.

I love my MM very much also. I would do anything for him and it hurts to know he stays for his kids, but I know if he left his 2 kids (8 & 5)he would die inside. That's a whole different kind of love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 12-14-2003 - 11:20pm
I have to agree, we do what we must for our kids. It doesn't always mean that its easy but their needs must come first.

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 12:45pm
"If he loved you, he'd be with you..." Oh, if only it were that easy! I love MM but even if he were single, it would be hard to give up the life I have with H. We've built a life together and it's hard to just walk away from all that. You CAN be in love with two people at the same time and love them in different ways and one love doesn't necessarily take anything from the other. But children, that's a different matter. MM has told me repeatedly that he'd kill himself if he couldn't see his daughter every day. He loves her more than anything in this world and I'll ALWAYS come second to that love, even if he left W tomorrow. And if I have a child I'm sure my love for that child will be first in my life. That doesn't mean I love MM any less, just that I'd have a strong love for this child that eclipses all else. Honestly, knowing this beautiful little girl is the reason MM can't be with me makes me feel even better, absurd though it sounds. My reservations about being with him all come from my love for my H and my life with him. His are mostly based in this child and it's hard to be jealous of that. It's pretty compelling, knowing that is what keeps him from being with me the way he wants. I just honestly can't blame him. As for NC being easy...give it a while and see if it still is. If it IS, maybe you should look into ending it. But do you think it would be just as easy if you knew that it was over for good? It's one thing having NC and knowing you'll see him again in just a couple of weeks or whatever and quite another to know he's gone forever... I know what you mean, though. Thanksgiving weekend was STUNNINGLY easy for me, especially since MM wasn't able to come back to work the first of the week afterward. I was driving home Tuesday night after nearly a week of NC thinking that it was the most peaceful my life had felt since this whole mess began... But the next day came around and I still couldn't wait to see him again.

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