NC Weekends

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
NC Weekends
4
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 1:19am
Warning: LONG

These are always the times that get to me.

Now, MM knows that I don't handle NC well. In fact, given more than 24 hours to think, I tend to put my running shoes on. He's received more than one email, written over the weekend, that has expressed my frustration, my confusion, and my willingness to leave. Somehow, he's always managed to gentle me back down, but he knows how I feel. And he's taken the time to consciously make sure that I'm aware that he's thinking about me and he's being _really_ good about contacting me over the weekends. I don't expect a phone call. A simple email saying "I'm thinking about you and missing you. I love you," is enough to keep me settled. Usually. (At least for now.)

Most of you know that we're also writing together. We're 40,000 words into a book, which I expect will lead to a series. So even if we were to split up, we've got something we're doing together. I don't know how we'd manage, but neither of us would want to just let the story die.

Ok, here's my problem. My sixteen year old is pregnant and she married her eighteen year old boyfriend today. MM and I talked and emailed, but I was definitely having a rough time with things. This afternoon, I wrote him a long email, and told him I was feeling pensive, and having a hard time dealing with everything that was going on, including our relationship. I wasn't trying to leave, in fact, it was largely a love letter...but I was also looking for reassurance and a shoulder.

I didn't hear from him for a while, but I was writing and concentrating, so I was doing ok. (Of course, I was also dealing with all the other normal crises that seem to follow me around like starving puppies...)

Anyway, I got an email saying he was getting ready to leave early and he hadn't heard from me. So, I resent the email and emailed again, asking him if he'd received it. I also copy/pasted it into a file and attached it to another, just to make _sure_ he got it.

I truly expected a quick phone call. In fact, in the additional email, I asked him to call. (Don't ask me why I hadn't picked up the phone. I don't know. I wanted him to have read the email and to care enough to check. Plus, I really expected him to call.)

He emailed me.

"just read it. A very nice letter. Thank you. I am leaving for the day. Remember this tonight, and tomorrow and Sunday. I love you. Timing? Well, there is at least one way where our timing is pretty d**ned good. ::grins:: I will think of you much more than you imagine. Just hold on to the thought that I do love you. Very much."


Now, I got this email while my twenty year old was telling me that she's involved with a girl. (I already suspected this, but still...) It hit me so wrong, it wasn't funny.

"A nice letter?" No phone call? Hold on _through_ Sunday? (I know he's going to be busy tomorrow. He has a tournament he and W are attending.)

I sent him an email to his house, telling him just what I said, and then saying I wasn't going to say anything else right then, because I'd say the wrong thing. After I cooled off, (several hours, tears, and two more mini-crises later), I emailed him again and explained that while I appreciated the fact that he sent me a letter, and that it told me he loves me and that I could see him trying to make me feel better, I felt like he had basically just brushed me off on his rush out the door. A two-second phone call wouldn't have hurt, and sometimes I need more than just a quick peck. Today, I needed more and I was hurt that he hadn't picked up on it. I also told him that I was just trying to tell him how I felt, and if that was too much, I'd try to do better in the future. After all, I'd done without anyone's reassurance for years, anyway.

::wincing::

Everything else I've sent him has been writing related, and I don't plan on sending him anything further until I hear from him. I'm feeling terribly insecure, but the truth is that I feel exactly what I said and the ball is in his court. And having said that I'm feeling insecure, I'm still half ticked off, and I've got waaaaaay too much pride. I can and will back off and go about my business. It would hurt like h*ll, but it might be a relief, too. I don't hide things well, and sneaking around makes me feel terrible.

I'm giving this level of relationship until the holidays. I've told him that, and I mean it. I'm not trying to hold things over his head...I'm selfish and I don't want to let him go. Frankly, I love him so much that I fully expect him to always be a part of my life. But we're going to move forward, or we're going to make it just friends. This is so _not_ me, that I almost don't recognize myself. And I don't like the way I'm reacting to it, either.

Now, he'll probably email me tomorrow, and/or call me on Sunday. I don't know if he'll be ticked off, but it doesn't change the fact that I meant what I said.

Have I just lost my mind? Does anyone else feel this way? Advice, anyone? (Understand that he _doesn't_ want to lose me. I tried to pull out a couple of weeks ago, and he was all over that...nothing doing. And its not because he has to have me to write...he's a good enough writer that he could knock out the book we're writing in half the time, himself.)

As I said, I'm _no_ good with NC...Any and all advice, support, comments, etc will be appreciated.



Confused, hurting, disappointed, ticked, and did I say confused?



Cazrida




iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 2:34pm
(((Cazrida)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 2:46pm


Thanks, Flirty. I appreciate the support!

I just got in from work. I drive an hour and a half to get there, so I leave by 5:00. I spent the whole trip there thinking about what I needed to do. Obviously, NC bothers me.

By 9:00 this morning, I had three emails and a phone call. ::soft smile:: I'll bet you can guess what I thought about on the trip home. ;)

He sure makes it hard to tie on my running shoes. ::VBG:: Guess I'll have to keep him for a while.



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 5:36pm
CAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, I hope are in a better mood today. I know how you feel, nag in there sweetie. MWAH
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 6:21pm



(((((((((((((JULIET))))))))))))))

Much, much better mood, thanks. ::grins::

And I hope I wasn't nagging...

Well, maybe just a little. ;) But I really was just telling him how I felt. Thank heavens, he really listens. ::VBG::



Cazrida