Nearing the End**Need Support

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Nearing the End**Need Support
10
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 12:32pm

For a reminder, M 16 yrs w 3 children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Tue, 07-21-2009 - 12:59pm

I'm grieving the loss of my family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Sat, 07-25-2009 - 8:01pm

I wanted to respond to your post because of what my husband and his brother went through as children and the emotional and psychological damage that resulted due to the fact that their mother left them for another man. The man that she left them for didn't want her children (although she eventually had 2 by this man), so she choose this man over her children so they did not see their mother much while growing up. She had to pay child-support. Not only did this choice take a toil on their mother later after this man left her and her 2 children by him, she can't get past the guilt and damage done to the relationship with her two sons caused by her choice, along with the fact she grew to hate this man. This changed the course of her children's lives along with destroying their self-esteem at an early age. My husband has struggled to overcome and has done remarkably well getting past his abandonment issues, but his brother has not, he has so much anger at times it consumes him, he will actually tell you that he hates his mother, he feels nothing for her. Both my husband and his brother are now in their 40's and they have no desire to have a relationship with their mother, my husband talks to her if he has too, but has no interest in a relationship with her, I'm not sure that his brother will ever be able to put it behind him and forgive.

It seems like you (this is just my opinion) are moving way to fast, you have been married 16 years and have children. I can identify what it must have been like for you living without intimacy. Did you tell your husband how you felt along with you what you needed from him? If you don't love him, I guess that isn't an issue.

I think that you and your children will pay a significant price by you leaving. Your second guessing may be telling you something. I don't know how you will be able to not resent AP. It's like you said he has nothing to lose. You have and are losing everything, more importantly your children. Once this decision is final and you leave, you will never be able to undo the fact that you left your children for another man.

It may help you to try to look down the road, into the future, and ask yourself...If my children do resent me and do not want me in their life later on, will that do to me? Will I be able to live with the consequences of one choice that I am now making that is going to change the course of everyone's life involved?

Do you think that you may be living in the past with your AP? The feelings that you had for him in school? A lot of years have passed, you haven't lived with him and at this point you don't know what to expect, he may not be the person that you think. He was young then and now is a grown man, I hate for you to get caught up in a fantasy thinking things are going to be a bed of roses and within the next year or two you get a wake-up call and think "What have I done?"

I don't know how much "support" your AP will be do you. There is no way that he will ever be able to identify and relate to what you will be going through. He doesn't have children that he is leaving, he isn't giving up everything he has in his life.

If you feel that you and AP are disconnected now, what's going to happen as time goes on? Life events that are out of our control that we have to face almost daily?

As far as telling your children Mommy is leaving, I can't even imagine how you will be able to get through that, it would destroy me, I could never leave my children, no man is worth sacrificing your relationship with your children.

You say are an emotional wreck, this is just beginning and I can promise you if you leave your children it will destroy you and possibly your children's lives.

If AP truly loves you he would give you the time to to work out an agreement or go through the court system in order to at least get joint custody agreement so that your children won't feel that you abandoned them or just walked away.

I just feel (like I said just my opinion) that you are going way too fast...if you leave your children to go with AP it is a very good chance that your husband will get full custody of your children and may be allowed to move to another state.

I am only asking you to think about a few things, before you do something that you will never be able to undo...I know you love your children by reading your post because of the worry and fear that you are feeling. Please listen to your inner voice. Give yourself more time before leaving your children and moving in with AP, it's like you said he has nothing to lose.

There may be a chance that you are just caught up in the moment with AP, he is giving you the emotional support that you haven't had for your husband in a long time and you may just be focusing on what it was like in high school and will not be like in reality.

I'm sorry to write so much, but I know what this does to children, and the pain and suffering they will go through because of this. They will only see that their father did not leave them and is there for them and know that he truly loves them. They will focus on the fact that you left them for another man and this will make them feel like something is wrong with them or they did something wrong to make you leave and possibly that you don't love them anymore. You can tell them a million times, how much you do, but actions speak louder than words.

I hope you make the right decision and I hope everything works out for the best for you and everyone involved in this situation.

Best Wishes,

Becky




Edited 7/27/2009 2:09 pm ET by rebeccavs
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 4:10pm

Thank you very much for your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2009
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 4:55pm

News Flash - you are in a place with no solution that doesn't involve pain. However, even without your AP, your marriage sounds like it needed ending. You slept in separate bed rooms for 10 years??? You're not leaving your husband for another man, your leaving a marriage that just wasn't working. You also have a stay at home husband. Nothing wrong with it at all, but it is out of the ordinary. So you have been acting as the husband in the more tradition sense. So your husband may be a reasonable choice for the children's home base. Nearly every husband has to "Leave" their children in a divorce. You are absolutely no worse than all the husbands who moved out. You are no worse.

To be clear I don't want you to beat yourself up too much. Your marriage had significant issues if you were sleeping apart for 10 years. Everyone deserves better than that, your x deserves better. As your children grow they will realize this as well. You'll just need to put a lot of energy into making certain your children know you love them, and you are notleaving them for another man. Because your not leaving to get away from them. You've suffered through the past 10 years because of your love for them.

Lastly, you really aren't leaving for the AP. You're getting out of a marriage that wasn't working. It's not fair to you or your AP to expect your new relationship to pull you through this. They are separate. Relationships are tough enough.

Good for you for deciding you deserve more out of life than a roommate. You can still love your children. And they will know that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 4:59pm

Just brain storming here, and I know your STBX is a stay at home dad...but can you work out a different plan that gives you joint physical custody?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2009
Tue, 07-28-2009 - 11:35am

Coach/BTrue:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Tue, 07-28-2009 - 1:50pm

I clicked on your profile to email you, but it says you don't receive emails.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
Tue, 07-28-2009 - 2:40pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 9:14am

Hi girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2007
Fri, 07-31-2009 - 3:27pm

Not really sure where to start, but the first thing that stands out for me is