Nearly 5 years and it's finished.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Nearly 5 years and it's finished.
3
Fri, 02-19-2010 - 9:56pm


Five years ago, my heart stopped when I saw him. As cliched as it sounds, our eyes really did meet across a room and from that moment on it was a matter of time before we found our way to each other. I had never even thought of having an A. He had a short-lived one more than a decade earlier.

There had been some ups and downs, and most recently I was feeling as if he wasn't really appreciating me. I told him I needed a break, as I have done in the past. It has always been a way to remind him of how much I mean to him :) At the same time, it gives me some clarity. The longest we've gone NC was 10 days.

Anyway, this break lasted 15 days and really I had planned to let "us" just fade away. I was doing pretty well until yesterday. I called him today and he tells me that a guy called his house a couple of weeks ago and told his W that he was seeing someone else. She kept the info to herself for a day before pretty much giving him the third degree. He said he was able to convince her it was just a prank call. But as a woman, I know once that seed is planted, it doesn't go away. And it isn't the first time she's asked him if there was someone else.

Immediately I thought of my H. About 4 years ago, he found some info between me and AP and there was no way to hide APs identity because it was in the info. I was able to convince him it was an EA/flirtation, but he still brings it up when we have an argument. AP doesn't think it was H, since H confronted AP a couple of years ago, but it sounds like my H to me. He is very passive-aggressive and I can see him waiting, even a couple of years, then calling, especially because he thinks AP got off scot-free when I convinced him not to bring AP's W into it.

So we've decided our break needs to be permanent, and this time it's for real. From here, the next step is getting caught and I still have kids at home and don't want that to happen.

I'm just so sad. Our goodbye conversation (phone) wasn't the best because of where we each were, and there was so much left unsaid, not that there is really any way to say what we needed to say. He told me the best part was having me to talk to and that he's going to miss that, even more than anything else. It's true. We always were able to "kiss and make it better" even if we were talking on the phone.

Things weren't perfect and I don't want to romanticize our A into something it wasn't, but he was a big part of my life that's over. I experienced so much growth, learned to take other risks in my life that paid off and learned to love my body and sex, too.

Funny how even when it was "over" before, I knew it wasn't, deep down inside. This time, I know it is and gawd, the pain sucks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2009
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 5:39pm

Big (((HUGS))) to you. I can only imagine how hard this time is for you. But like you said it's better to end it now then get caught. I had 2 D-days and they aren't pretty at all. I as well have a small child at home and thankfully she was young enough this hasn't affected her much. I am now divorced but happily with my BF/AP.


Just remember things happen for a reason. You have many wonderful memories to get you through this tough time.


Hang in there!!!

cntrygirl03
cntrygirl03
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Sat, 02-20-2010 - 6:33pm

Well, I can totally empathize with your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 4:06pm
My AP tells me that even though our intimate/sexual relationship may be over someday, I will always be in his heart and he will always love me, and always be there for me if I need him. I'm not sure exactly what he means by all of that and how it will play out if we end, but it is comforting on some level anyway. Maybe you can take comfort in knowing that you have a shared history together and still have affection for one another, and that it's not really "over" in every sense of the word.