Need Advice!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Need Advice!!!!
18
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 8:12am
I haven't been in the A very long. Only about 2 weeks. One night we both realized that we were having the same thoughts. Me and MM. We made love and he went back home to his W that night. A couple days later he came over just to get a kiss from me. Then went back home. He would tell me almost daily that he'd make it over to spend time together. Always a no show. About a week ago we met down the road and talked and kissed. He told me he was going to come over the next day and he ended up not coming over. I havent heard a word from him since. We live right accross the street from each other. He hasn't said a word about ending it. Our A. I'm wondering if maybe it's just alot more difficult for him to see me since we live so close to eachother and maybe thats why he hasnt talked to me. I love him. I've been in love with him for about 9 months now. His W and I have been pretty good friends. And they were on the verge of a D about 3 months ago. I'm moving away to another state in 2 weeks and I want to let him know how I feel. That I'm in love with him and that if anything happens between him and his W I will come back. I'm 26 years old and he is 33. I'm sure he's not like all those men that don't call or say anything about it being over. But now I'm just not so sure. I've been depressed extremely over all of this and I need some advice. Please if anyone has some advice on how I might tell him how I feel and what I should do. Let me know. Thanks

t

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 9:43am
t

Well he knows your a leaving in a couple weeks so you have to guess he is having a bit of fun before you go. He figures you'll be gone. Why he makes promises and then doens't make good on them, I don't know, one of the men will have to answer that one. He could be feeling guilty or means well then something domestic pops up and keeps him from it. Living right across the street from each other I would think would be good and bad.

But I have to tell you as far as telling this guy you LOVE him... don't. You can tell him you have some caring feelings for him or even deep feelings, but the chances of him LOVING you after 2 weeks, even though you've known him at least 9 months are slim to none. You can still tell him to let you know if he ever becomes single all of a sudden. But to throw the "L" word out there so soon might send him running.

And when you move out of state.... start a new life and date...don't wait for him!

good luck

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 10:14pm
thank you for the reply. helps alot. to update the situation on hand, he came by today and wanted to check out the land in the back of the house. he had his four wheeler. and he asked me to go for a ride with him. i went and it was fun. then i asked him what he wanted with me. he told me whatever he can get. and i told him he could have everything he wants. i did almost tell him i loved him. but i held back. im glad i got on the computer tonight because i may have made a mistake. you made alot of sense to me. but the thing is, he didnt know i was even moving till after our first night together. so i dont really know what he was planning to do about me after that. i really do love him and i wish that i could tell him. but i am definately going to take your advice and not say anything to him. i guess my best bet right now would probably be just to play along. right. im going to be hurt one way or the other whether i call it quits now or just keep it going till i move. what do you think of this idea? i thought that maybe id tell him he should get himself a post office box so that we could keep in touch when im gone. he always says "you never know what can happen" when i say something about us never being more because of him being married. so do you think i should get him to keep in touch with me if he wants to?
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 7:37am
meant

There is a saying... "Plan for the worst and expect the best". You can always ask him to keep in touch, but don't count on it. Prepare yourself for the fact that when you move he might drift away. Then if he doesn't you're pleasently surprised.

:)

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 10:29pm
you are so wise. i talked to him today. i asked him about doing the post office box thing and he thought that was a great idea. now we'll just have to see if he keeps in touch. right. hey, if you ever decide that you want someone to talk to you can instant messege me. my yahoo name is lisnjay2004 and my AIM is lis38611. thanks for all the advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:33am
well, here it is. the outcome of a great tragedy in my life. LOL. Seriously, last night he and his wife got into a huge argument or fight whatever you want to call it. he drove off and so i called him to see if he was ok. for some reason i felt that even if he goes through with leaving her, i dont think that he wants to be with me. maybe im just being a baby about it all. i dont know. i really miss him alot. i called him back after we hung up last night and all i said to him was that i dont think we should talk anymore. he said ok. i said ok. then he said alright. and i said goodbye. do you think that i made a mistake? should i tell him im sorry. i know hes really not happy now with the situation with his W. do you think that i made matters worse for him. should i have maybe at least stuck by him as a friend instead of being so selfish? I really am in love with him and i dont think that he thinks its possible. i miss him so much. please tell me what i should do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 11:46am
Hi Meant..

I am not sure I have posted to any of your other messages but I have read them..I love this board!!

I am kind of in a situation of the same thing. MM told me a few weeks ago he no longer wanted to be lovers but still wanted to be friends. Long story..I lied to him and he said he couldnt trust me enough to be his lover anymore..No I didnt cheat on him..heck I dont even have sex with hubby..LOL. He was it for me..sad huh??LOL.

Anyways..MM still wants to be friends. This was 2 weeks ago the lover part was called off. I have since been trying to be just his friend. It is not easy at all. I am in love with him and love him with all of my being, so talking to him knowing how he feels is so darn hard.

Last Friday he lost his job. He called me first to tell me. Then he called his W. I was shocked..I also felt privilidged..and confused. I told him this week (through IM) that I was not sure how long I could be his friend. I was hurting too much. I picked a really messed up time to say something like that to him. I feel I was totally insensitive. I also think I said that to see what his reaction would be..and that was terrible of me. He said fine..I will make it easy for you I will not contact you anymore (he has contacted me everyday since the break up..and he didnt before). Then he said when I am at my worst you leave me? you try to make me feel bad?..In my case I was being extremely selfish..

I am his friend and have always been a great friend for him and as bad as it sounds I always will be. I can't just get him out of my life even knowing that would ease most of my pain. I am happy to have him in my life. He does bring happiness to my life just as a friend. It will take me a long time to get over the loss of the lover part of the relationship but I beleive I will.

If you believe you can be friends with him and it not bring you any more sadness and heartache I dont see any harm in that..but I also know what you chose is a good road. It will be better for both of you. Maybe there just needs to be some cool down time for both of you. Just give it time. He had a lot on his mind when you called..the fight with his W was not easy I am sure..

I wish you all the best!! Follow your heart! I am even though it hurts at times.

Hugs

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 12:07pm
Why do you do this to us, ladies? Why do you break up with us on the spur of the moment, when you are not nearly ready and sure that you should break up, without seriously weighing up the consequences? That HURTS for Christ's sake! And then you start to have regrets, and you want everything back, and instead of flat out telling us how you feel you are hinting and expecting us to read your mind. And then, when we don't get your hints since this is not something we are capable of, you jump to all kinds of wrong conclusions and convince yourself that we don't want you in our life!

Sorry I didn't mean to yell at you, it's just that this is an extremely sore spot for me. If you regret your decision then tell him about it and be very clear.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 06-11-2004 - 2:47pm
boston

Thanks for that. You know how many times I have thrown the "ending it" dialogue around in my head? I keep thinking he wants it to end so I think I should do the honors this time. I don't know about the other ladies on this board but I don't want to be the fool. I don't want him to surprise me with ending it. Lately I have been analizing most of our conversations I thinking later.."hey normally he would have said this or that and he didn't go down that road, something is wrong!" I think we DO overthink and try to decide what their actions mean so we go with the worst case and if that is the truth then by GOD it's over!! LOL

But seriously it all comes down to communication now doesn't it? In my case we don't get to talk much anymore, or we probably could if I brought the subject up, but its like I don't want to be a downer either.. OH WOW it's such a vicious cycle!

I'll try harder I will!

dd


Edited 6/11/2004 3:17 pm ET ET by deedee5678

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 10:04pm
Boston,

I couldn't believe it when I read your post. It was like you walked through my head and responded to my thoughts.

MM and I have had a rough week. We fussed and argued over the book, and I know its been a stressful time for him, anyway - both at home and at work. I want to be supportive, but that doesn't mean that I'm not getting hurt by all of this. And we've never really argued like this. It hurts. :(

He's been distant, lately. He's so preoccupied that I feel insecure. If I say something, it just adds to everything else going on and I don't want to over-analyze. I won't threaten him with breaking up, but I'm wrestling with it myself. We'd still be friends and we have a book to finish together, but I'm not even sure how that would work. I wrestle with the fact that his wife is sick and they're not even sure what the diagnosis, much less the prognosis is. I want to be there for MM, but I hate adding the risk of more pain to her, too. (She does know about me - she called a couple of weeks ago. I told her that we just talk occasionally about writing. I'm sure she suspects more, and that has to add to MM's stress, though he doesn't discuss it.)

But I do need his reassurance. I need a few minutes of hearing his voice expressing his love. I need to hear that he misses me. He tells me he loves me almost every day, but it's just been awkward lately. :(

I email him every night. Last night, after a bad day with the book, I emailed him a love note...simple, but sincere. He hasn't called or emailed me, and I'm sure he had time. I suspect he's still mad, and he's probably just trying to cool off before we talk, but I've done what I can do. The next step is up to him. I won't email him tonight. I only slept two hours last night and I'm afraid I'd either say something whiny, something that would tick him off, or just write something casual and I don't feel casual.

So why do we break up when we're not ready? Because all the conflicting thoughts and emotions are enough to drive us crazy! And when we try to tell you guys that we're feeling lonely, or left out, or pushed aside, you don't want to hear it, you don't want to have a "talk," and it just makes things worse. And truthfully, some of the time we really want you to tell us that you aren't going to allow it - that we're yours and that we're worth fighting for.

I don't want to play games so I won't play at breaking up. I love him with all my soul. But I'm hurting and only he can make it better. I just have no way of telling him. :( And if I can't tell him, am I better off just being friends?

Sheez...sorry, Boston. I'm tired and down and I didn't mean to dump on you.

I hate rollercoasters.



Cazrida






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 12:07am
Hello Meant, and Caz, and all (and Briatan - I read your post the other night),

It can be a difficult relationship, can't it? It isn't as if we can talk to our mother or best friend about it, and we don't know what to expect. It's different than an open relationship - which we've all experienced - where it progresses if it's good; wiht an affair, there might be stages, but it can only go so far.

I'm treading the same waters, should I talk with him and let him know how I feel?, what will he do with the knowledge?, should I leave it alone and trust it's in my head that he's distant?, will I be too needy if I want reassurance?, or should I just let it go, not say anything to him, tiptoe away?, or pretend it doesn't hurt and put the brave smile on and be a "friend"?

Have you seen the foreign film, The Pornographic Affair? It's not porno - it's a story of a man and woman who met thru a personal ad for reasons to fulfill some sexual fantasy they both had (which isn't disclosed!). And, they come to care for each other; but they don't tell each other, and walk away at the end.

Why? Why don't they tell each other? Why don't we talk to the men? Because we are afraid - afraid to hear what we don't want to hear, afraid of feeling vulnerable. You know, we'll hurt either way - the not knowing, or the answer we don't want to hear. Alright, I know 99 times out of 100 we will hear what we don't want to hear...but what if it is that 1 time? What if we let it go, and don't say anything?

And, it doesn't mean we've lost our pride, or self-respect (unless we are whining and clinging and sobbing, lol). Quite the opposite in fact - we know what we want and we shouldn't settle for less.

So, I'm so worn out from treading - it's either sink or swim. I'm not a strong swimmer, but I am not going to give up and drown because I'm scared...hopefully I'll reach him.

Meow



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