need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
need advice
3
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 8:37pm
i've been married to a great guy for three years but his job really requires him to stay away 24/7 for days on end. i think i do love him but do not enjoy the sex at all and do not like the fact that the onyl way we can spend time together is on a week's worth of vacation a few times a year. i think life together is more than a series of vacations couple of times a year - its about living and sharing life together - not 24/7 but being there for each other. i am happy to be supportive of his job and hold out the fort at home as best as i can but i work full time as well and frankly am begining to wonder if there is really anybody but me in this marriage and who is there to support me when i need the emotional or mental support?

meanwhile, i work closely with a guy who's two yrs older to me and have grown to like him a lot being he is really a very nice person. i think we're both attracted to each other - i don't think its in my mind since i've caught him looking at me almost everyday. he has a great sense of humor, is pretty decent looking, sensible and does give two cents about me. however, he recently moved in with a girl after knowing her for a month after being single for more than a year, coming out of a prior relationship that lasted 5 yrs. he seems to be able to talk to me very easily about his personal life, and i am able to talk to him about mine. i know i care about him a lot and i know he cares at least a little for me.

need to hear your thoughts on whether it would be better to invest some more time in my marraige and try talking to my hubby abt doing something abt our marraige again or try and see how i can safely explore the possibilty of something more than a healthy relationship with the guy from work - and what is the safe way to explore a relationship between friends or co-workers?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: happy72p
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 8:38am
Well, of course you should work on your marriage first. Anyone would advise that. Affairs can seem enticing and fun at first, but they come with a whole lot of heartache. What benefit do you see in starting up an A with this guy? If you're really determined to pursue it, do it the normal way. Talk, flirt, look at him like he looks at you. Let him know you're not happy in your marriage (as you've probably already done). These are cues someone normally looks for to start an A. I never had to worry about it because MM came after me, but I've often wondered what would have happened if he hadn't. Before he came after me, I'd started to kind of notice him. It was subtle as he wasn't really someone I'd normally be attracted to, but one day I was standing near him and I just felt drawn to him. It seemed so odd to me at the time. I think if he hadn't come after me, I would have continued to flirt and explore that magnetic pull and eventually I would have developed a crush on him but I never would have acted on it. I was happy in my marriage -- just liked to have fun fantasizing about other men. HE would have acted on it the instant he got a hint from me, though; that's just the kind of guy he is, I think. Have you played out the situation in your mind? Go through the scenario -- imagine yourself getting closer and closer to him and him responding over a series of days, weeks, whatever, then imagine maybe one of you expressing an interest in the other. Imagine what will happen if you put yourself out there and he rejects you. Will your friendship be over? If so, is it worth the risk? Imagine what will happen if he DOESN'T reject you -- the guilt you'll feel. The guilt he'll feel. The sneaking around and lying, the days he doesn't call when he's supposed to, the long, lonely nights and weekends when he's with his girlfriend. Imagine the toll it will take on your marriage...go down the whole road. Are you ready for the ride?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
In reply to: happy72p
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 10:20am
Thanks - you're right. I'm not ready for the ride cause i'm not ready to throw away my M till i've done my best to fix the problem - my "FWOB" (i guess) and I will be working together for a long time to pursue that road if and when i decide to give up on my M.

But you did help me realize that i may have been unknowingly giving out cues to him when all i really wanted to do was talk. Now i feel completely embarrased if that's what he's going to think!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: happy72p
Fri, 10-31-2003 - 11:22am
Maybe, but don't give him more credit than any member of the male species deserves. After all, men aren't exactly known for their ability to "get the hint," even when it's dropped right in their laps! He's probably still in that 'trying-to-figure-you-out' stage. He thinks you might be interested, finds you interesting, but isn't 100% sure what to make of you. There's nothing wrong with flirting and being friendly and there's no reason he should assume you're willing to jump into an affair just because of that. It's just that, if that's what you wanted, continued clues over time could eventually give him the courage to make a move or at least let you know he's interested too.