need advice about newly xMM

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
need advice about newly xMM
5
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 4:23pm
My MM is now an xMM and we live over 1000 miles apart. I truly want him to be happy, and we both want to be together, but I am not yet ready to leave my M. I have a 5yo and I do not think it is the right time for me. We had talked about this timing thing in the past. My M is not bad, we just are not in love and do not communicate very well. We have been in counseling for about 6 months and it keeps things level, but nothing changes.

MM's wife asked for a D-- it took me by complete surprise. He was pretty surprised, but knew things were bad. The D took less than 5 months to finalize. He has a 7th and 11th grader. He loves his kids and is a great dad and wants to be there for them. He has had a difficult time and I have tried to be supprotive and be there for him. We talk every other day or so. I told him he needed to keep busy and to go out and have fun. I am very confident in our relationship...even though I have not seen him in 2 years.

Yesterday we talked about his weekend plans and he was going to a fundraiser- this other woman in town asked him to go. This led to the discussion about dating. He is willing to wait for me (even if it is the 6-8 years I told him it would be), but wants to go out with other women. I told him as long as he did not have sex with them I was OK with that. I guess I did not even think he would consider dating for a long time. He D was finalized a few weeks ago. I feel like I am going through alot of different emotions right now.

He is my best friend and someone I have loved for so long. He was my first love and I was his. I just feel so ....I don't even know how to put it into words...what should I do?? How do I handle this??

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 9:46pm
tb

I can maybe help put into perspective for you how he feels as I am in his situation. I was M when I met my MM but was going through a D and it was finalized before we moved our R into a physically intimate one. He has always told me he was going to leave his W but his daughters are 12 and 14 right now and the older one has deep emotional problems. These emotional problems are what has delayed him, he has told me. So I do not have a definite timeline for when he will leave, it could be a year, it could be five years, he hasn't really been specific other than he wants to make sure his daughters will be okay.

So here I sit, I have now been single for over a year and I don't REALLY know if MM is ever going to have the courage to leave his W, I have no guarantee. He does NOT want me to date other men and I could never bring it up because he says I shouldn't even want to date if he is the love of my life and if I plan to spend the rest of my life with him. I do....but....without that guarantee that that will happen I have a hard time with my decision not to date others because I do want to have a family someday (I'm now nearly 31) and that biological clock of mine is ticking. Part of me thinks I could be missing out on someone who could be great for me in a different way and give me the family I want now but I will never meet him if I don't date.

So I think your OM may be having similar feelings. He doesn't know for sure that you and him are ever going to be. Without a guarantee it's really hard to wait for someone. Afterall, technically you do belong to someone else and that may never change as far as he knows. Besides all that, he is probably just lonely. You are far far away and I know how those lonely Friday and Saturday nights feel...boy, do I know!

Hope I have shed some light,

Brin

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 10:43pm
Brin,

Thanks so much for your reply. It is such a difficult situation and it is even harder when there is no one to talk to about it. XMM (do I now call him OM??- so strange to me) and I have know each other for 20+ years. We dated when I was in college and we both made mistakes, but somehow the friendship was able to survive. Four years ago we started talking about our feelings for each other and realized that we both were still in love with the other. We have been through so much over the years and our love for each other has grown- which is so hard to even imagine since the inital ove we shared was so overwhelming to me.

He has my heart and soul- he knows that. I don't know how to reassure him anymore than that. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, and when he was married there was never the thought he would ever be with anyone but me. Now although he is just dating as friends- there is always this possibility that he may just get tired of waiting for me. We found each other after 20 years and I definitely do not want to lose that. It is such a heartache for me. I want him to be happy, but I also want him to be happy with me. I am so confused and I think how will we/I ever survive for 6-8 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 11:44pm
tb, I know exactly how you feel and I share your anxiety. Although I'm single our stories sound pretty similar and MM and I are a long distance apart to. My MM was unexpectedly kicked out of his home in Jan and his wife filed for divorce and although he's happy about that he's suffered at not seeing his children. he had to move out of state for his job but is hoping to move back again soon for a new one. And all that combined with some other legal problems have made for a pretty rough time for him and at times I was worried he'd give up the fight. Thankfully now things are starting to look up for him but we won't be able to be together for some time yet because he has other stuff he needs to deal with. He told me he'd wait for me as long as it took but like you I worry that things will change in the mean time and he'll find someone else.

I'm not sure I could ever wait the 6-8 years your looking at though, the thought of that long woudl just kill me. I'm planning to go visit him later this year but it will probably be 2 years before we can be together permanently. Although I can hold out that long if I have to, I worry that he'll find a relationship closer to home and that 2 years will turn into forever. I don't really mind if he dates casually or seeks out some physical comfort elsewhere, I just dont' want him to fall in love with anyone else. I know that makes me selfish and if he finds happiness anywhere I shoudl be happy for him but like you I want him to be happy with me.

SOmetimes life just doesn't seem fair. But what can you do about it? Sorry, I didn't have any answers for you, just wanted you to know there's someelse out here who knows exactly what you're going through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:43pm
Thanks so much. It is so hard to try to deal with all the emotions alone. It is really nice to have someone to "talk" to and someone who has had similar experiences. Right now I am just trying to get through the day. I have not heard from xMM since Friday. I was hoping he would have emailed me to tell me that he was thinking about me. I know that is not really logical, but I am just feeling very insecure. It is so hard not to close up when I am feeling like this, but I know that would be the worse thing for both of us. He says he is just going out with people, both men and women and it is not a big deal.

Twenty years ago we had this incredible relationship, but I was so young and in some ways overwhelmed by his feelings for me. I needed time away to sort things out. He was understanding. A year later we got back together and I thought things were good. He was finishing an internship (he's a doctor) and would be moving in a year to finish his training. I thought I would give him some space to work hard that year and then we would move to the new place together...so I went across the country. He saw it as me leaving again...he met someone and within the year we broke up and he was engaged. I moved back but it was too late. He just pushed me away and would not open up at all.

Somehow we remained friends and 20 years later those feelings he had buried never went away. We both had marriages that were marginal at best. He sent me a letter with the song "What I Really Meant to Say." He said I woudl always be the love of his life and he could never again live without me in it. We got together in 2001 and it was the most incredible experience. He is everything I have always wanted and needed in my life. He is my best friend and someone I am madly in love with. He loves me in spite of myself at times and he brings out the part of me that I love.

When he was married there was no way he would be with anyone except me. Now with his D- all that changes. He says he is willing to wait, but wants to date. For me, the past is a stark remainder of what can happen and it scares me. I was devastated in the past and I never saw it coming (ie the break-up). So now I am even more wary. I don't know how to handle it. Do I just ignore the dates? Do I pretend it does not hurt? What would you do in my position??

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 1:23pm
tb

Honestly, I really think I would leave my H for him. Although, I do not have any children so maybe it's easy for me to say that now because I don't know what that is like.

But I also have a lot of family and friends who are D with children and though they went through some tough times at first the kids are doing great and they are all remarried and their new M seem to be doing great. I think kids have a greater propensity to adjust than what they are given credit for. D is hard on everybody but you need to think about your own happiness too. If you have already given up on the M then I would say you owe it to your H as well, he will need time to heal and the chance to find happiness with someone else too.

You may give up your chance at happiness for your kids sake but remember, your kids soon will have their own lives, marriages, kids, and maybe even divorces and you will no longer have them to focus your life around. What will you be left with? Your H who you are unhappy with and no kids around to bring you that happiness or you could end up all alone with regrets over losing your chance to be with your soul mate?

I am a complete romantic at heart, can you tell? I generally side with following your heart wherever it leads you and letting everything else fall into place. I also know, though, that it's easy to say things when you aren't in the same position. Hope it all works out for you.

Brin